resentment about...something?

**wishy0uwerehere** · 05-12-2011 10:18 PM

i love my boyfriend dearly. hes my first real, long-lasting, committed relationship. im 20 and hes 25, and we've been together for 8 months. hes perfect for me, and im afraid im going to mess it up. im very paranoid about what happens when im not around, even though i know deep down that he would never cheat on me or talk to another girl. i let my mind wander and create these scenarios where he goes out to the bar with his friends and talks to another girl and, although he doesnt do anything, he spends the night flirting with her. hes dated TONS of people, and hes slept with 8 other people. ive only slept with 2 other people. i think i let myself get freaked out about his past, but im not sure why. he is so genuine with me, and he tells me that hes the first girl hes wanted to marry and have kids with. he buys me flowers all the time and bought me $200 tickets to see my favorite band. he leaves me cute notes in my bag when im not looking and sends me cute texts throughout the day telling me how much he loves me. so what the is my problem? why cant i just let myself relax, trust him, and be happy?

**spurzzz** · 05-13-2011 03:51 AM

Hello Wishy0uwerehere,

even though i know deep down that he would never cheat on me or talk to another girl

The poiint you have to remember is that there should be enough trust in your relationship that your partner could talk to who he wants but you know through the core of your relationship that he loves you and knows his boundaries. Without trust there is no relationship.

Paranoia is a major cause for a lot of relationship breakup's and if I was you I would see my doctor about getting help for establishing where your insecurities stem from. Perhaps you do not trust him because you are scared of being hurt and so your mind is creating a defensive mechanism by creating all these scenarios so that if it does happen, it will soften the blow. Maybe the insecurities stem from previous failed relationships and you do not have a lot of confidence in yourself at the moment.

The point is there can be many factors that can trigger the onset of paranoia, heavy use of canabis is also a major contributor. Make an appointment with your doctor and they will be able to refer you for some professional help.
Alternatively there are support groups out there who specialise in giving help to those with relationship trauma, just do a quick online search for your nearest centre. Also, there are plenty of books and guides out there that can help you improve your confidence and self-belief.

Wish you better.

**miffed23** · 05-13-2011 04:06 AM

I would recommend starting a journal, write simple questions such as

What behavior traits signal my insecurity?
What happened in my past to make me insecure?
What are some of my beliefs that account for my insecurity?
What are some negative consequences I've experienced due to my insecurity?
What behaviour traits do I need to develop in order to overcome my insecurity?

When you've identified where your insecurity (just a posh word for worries) stem from you can then begin to handle them

What substitute behaviour traits could I develop that would indicate security in myself?
What are some positive consequences of exhibiting such secure behaviour traits in my life?
What are some rational beliefs I must develop in order to exhibit secure behaviour in my life?
How will my life change if I exhibit secure behaviour?
What is my action plan to develop security in my life?

Have a healthy and humorous belief in yourself to overlook an exaggerated need for acceptance and approval, try as much as possible to put yourself in situations where you take risks - I don't mean anything dangerous! Breaking out of your "shell" will require letting go of past hurts (real or imagined) and moving on with life. If you become secure within yourself, your relationship will blossom

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-18-2011 04:04 PM

Good one Miffed

I think you will find it's a simple thing called fear and that fear is there due to age, you feel that because he can go to bars and you can't until 21, that some other girl will try it on.

Hon, girls 20 will try it on with a guy, in a shopping centre.

Don't let the age thing frighten you, he chose you and he's definately showing you the love, I like Miffed's suggestion.

CW

**WildChild** · 05-18-2011 04:53 PM

I think the title you gave your thread is something you should think about. You gave nothing in your post that indicated any cause for resentment. What is it that you resent?

**SaharaJim** · 05-19-2011 11:55 AM

Resentment?...I don't think so .. I am hearing FEAR. He is so wonderful, so perfect so great...I need to find something WRONG so i can either "break up first" or "have a reason" why he left. You are letting that "fear" create your "reality". A resentment is an endless replaying of an emotion usually anger which is usually based in fear. ( you are afraid you will not get something you want or will lose something you think you have= anger! So you hold on to that anger and endlessly replay it at every chance - a resentment:i.e. RE...SENTIMENT.) Being "in love" means you are vunerable to being hurt by another's actions/inactions and nothing you can really do about it. My advice is to "surrender" and live it. "Better to have loved and lost- than never to have loved at all" Disgustingly cliche'

, but things become cliche' because they are true.

**shiz** · 05-20-2011 09:11 AM

I agree w/ wildchild. Where is there resentment?

I understand you're fear of him flirting/talking to someone else. ....I think everyone goes though that to some degree. Has he done something in the past that would make you think that he would go behind your back, or have you been cheated on in a past relationship? If yes, than that's probably why you're feeling the way that you are. If no, you have to let go of your negative chatterbox, and bring in the positive one.

**wishy0uwerehere** · 05-23-2011 11:41 AM

thank you, everyone, youve been very helpful. and yes, maybe i misused the word resentment. but im not sure WHAT im feeling exactly, then, because it isnt fear. i dont think he will cheat on me. (at least, my rational self doesnt) he tells me everyday that im perfect for him and that im the best girlfriend ive ever had, that he would have nothing without me. his friends tell him the same thing too. so im not worried he will cheat. it just bothers me to think about him with other women, especially since there were so many of them. it could be that im jealous, perhaps, that i didnt get as much experience as him. that being said, i have no desire to sleep around or be a . but i do think that perhaps i had experienced a little more. which is stupid, because who cares? i found the man i want to marry, nothing else matters...right?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-23-2011 02:23 PM

Here is a thought for you...

Now you can learn what ever you feel comfortable with, with him, through him and only him, now isn't that worth the fact that you didn't get that much experience?

**wishy0uwerehere** · 06-09-2011 09:05 PM

My boyfriend is really great. He's 25 and I'm 20, and we love each other dearly. He is very good to me and constantly proves how great of a boyfriend he can be. But I am sooo paranoid that he is going to cheat on me, and for no reason! He has never cheated on any other girlfriend, and he tells me he loves me so much and would never do anything to hurt me. He says I mean more to him than anyone, and I do believe it. So why am I so paranoid? He has never even shown any signs that he would even think of cheating on me. But when he tells me he's going to shower and have dinner and watch a baseball game, and doesn't text me for hours, I don't believe him. I have a constant urge to check his Facebook and email to try to catch him doing something, but I know if I did, I wouldn't find anything. But still, I have a burning desire to spy on him, and sometimes I can't stop myself. I know I'm going to dig myself into a hole and eventually ruin this relationship, but I can't stop my paranoia. Help!