I can't get over the past.

**staypositivexx** · 05-17-2011 08:07 PM

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost ten months (this friday will be our ten month anniversary). But, throughout our relationship i have battled with being hurt over the past.

In August, which was early in our relationship, he cheated on me. He did not to it intentionally, so it's hard because I try not to blame him.

A girl he knew from middle school, and who was his brothers girlfriends friend was over his house at a party. He was really drunk, but she was not. She is very promiscuous and has been with a lot of guys. She tried to kiss him, but he wouldn't let her and tried to tell her he was talking to someone. Of course, she didn't care. She pulled down his pants and gave him oral. She asked to have sex but he refused. He felt bad about what happened and told her to leave.

She tried to text him at random times after, possibly getting his number from his brothers girlfriend, but he always ignored her. This is his story.

It has been the same story every time, and he told the same story to his friend, who I am friends with too. His friend was upset with him, along with me. His friend told me he cried when he told him.

And his voice sounded like he was trying not to cry on the phone when he told me. Still, he kept this from me for a couple of months after it happened, saying he was afraid to lose me but every time he saw me the guilt ate him away. I didn't talk to him for a few days, but my feelings for him were over powering and we got back together.

If I never met her, I would probably get over it more, but sadly I did meet her. I don't think his brothers girlfriend liked me because she felt threatened because I was the first girl to always be at the house (I'm guessing), so when she moved in she would always invite the girl no matter how many times my boyfriend flipped out and told her to never let her over. She said sorry to me, but she lied and said she was drunk when she wasn't, and she was a very shady person.

She did tell me that my boyfriend really, really liked me (I replied back smartly saying he didn't like me he LOVED me), so I'm guessing she tried to get with him and he refused.

There was a big fight between my boyfriend vs. his brother, the girlfriend, and the girl. The brothers girlfriend was drunk and tried to fight me, and the girl wanted to stick up for her friend and try to fight me too. My boyfriend flipped out on them and got me out of there.

He has always been there for me and stuck up for me. But that night haunts me and what went down between my boyfriend and her haunts me. My boyfriend has said sorry all the time, react with anger if I rubbed it in his face when we fought, then anger would turn into tearing up, he even broke down and cried a month ago saying he would never hurt me again after I cried to him about my uncle cheating on my aunt.

He knows it hurts and he has repeatedly tried to make me feel better, but I just can't let it go. They are now out of our lives and I never see them, even if the girl tried to add me on facebook, but I can't get over it. It's not like he even meant to cheat! How can I get over this and be happy in my relationship?

**spurzzz** · 05-18-2011 12:44 AM

Hi, welcome to the forums.

People tend to overcomplicate things in life and make things harder than they are and that is what is happening here....
Why are you and your boyfriend still foucsing on what his brother and his gf AND his gf's mate is doing all the time when you should be focussing on yourselves? Why do you keep going to see these people if it is no good for you? Why are you talking about facebook and parties all the time?

If you want to sort this out, stop the contact with those toxic people who are obviously out to hurt you two and concentrate on yourselves......
Stop being in a open relationship where everyone is involved and start respecting each other as to giving each other more time and attention than losers who do not deserve it!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-18-2011 03:49 AM

You know honestly, you will never know if the friend of his is telling the truth if she is telling the truth, if he cried, if she did try, or if it was both drank and did the deed.

What you do have to do is trust your instinct, and protect your heart.

You are young, we as girls want the real thing, boys, want that too but their cake and eat it whilst they do (some boys)...

Only you know how he treats you, really treats you, smiles at you, hangs on to your words, cant wait to see you or if you are, really, just , to, gether....................

CW

**ren_07** · 05-21-2011 07:23 PM

I'm confused bc from one point, it seems you guys were just "talking" at the time it happened and then other times you seem to make it as if you guys were officially a couple and it was "cheating." I think this is critical to how upset you should be over this.

If it's the first, then I think letting go would be the best thing to do. It's something you must try to do. It should be much easier if you don't see those people involved anymore. Whatever really did happen that night you will never know fully, but what you do know is that you have an HONEST, LOVING, AND FAITHFUL boyfriend now who couldn't resist hiding something from you that didn't even occur during your REAL relationship. You could have left him for good and he still could not hide it. He beats himself up about it and breaks down over hurting you. This is an admirable man. Especially at a young age. You won't find that kind of care from just anybody. Appreciate it and move on

It's a process that takes time, but you must make a conscious effort if you don't want this to be lost. Trust me, you'll regret losing him over this much more than the actual incident.

**fiestypunkgirl** · 05-22-2011 02:48 AM

This would be really hard to get past! Afterall, the deed was done.
But sounds like hes really, truly sorry. And I think its good that you've made it very clear this behavior will not be tolerated.

Just an outsiders perspective solely based on this post, a 'forgive and forget' may be in order here. only YOU know how he truly reacts, and treats you, and seems to feel about what happened. For her, it may have been the thrill of "getting" a guy who is already in a relationship (yeah, I know, messed up huh? but I guess there are women out there who feed on that). If thats the case, she may have not even been interested in him at all anyway.

I know oral IS still sex, but honestly, its not quite on the same level as the real deal, IMO. That takes actual involvement on both ends. Sounds like she kinda pushed herself on him.

Id suggest try to move forward and focus on your future and present, not the past. I know thats not easy. But avoid this the chick as much as possible and make sure he's on board with that too. it sounds like he is...and already has. I dont believe in comparing, but i gotta say, there are SO many women out there who have cheating mates who would give almost anything if their mates acted even half as sorry as yours does!!
I think you got a good one. and I think he knows HEs got a good one so id just say try to move past this because seems like hes never gonna let it happen again

**staypositivexx** · 05-22-2011 02:10 PM

Thank you for all the great advice! It helped me a lot

.

**melsand** · 07-15-2011 04:50 PM

This is SUCH a good topic! (:
I feel the EXACT same way, except our relationship is only 9 months in a couple days.
I have been cheated on once, that I for sure know of, but we broke up after that. Then we started dating again.
Last month, he looked at porn. Which, in my mind, is cheating and disgusting.
I just can't seem to get over it all!
I feel like sh*t about myself. I did even before that, too. But now when we're having sex, I feel like I'm not good enough because I am not a size 4 with DD's. I just cannot get over all of the hurt and insecurities.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-15-2011 06:07 PM

Acceptance of what is not acceptable to you, not what you want out of life, not what you deserve in life, gives an opening to do it again and gives a point to you to consider, what you are actually worth and why it is accepted