I want kids, he doesn't

**shiz** · 05-20-2011 02:09 PM

I've been with my current SO for about 4 years. Last week he tells me that he does not want kids (all along before this, we talked a lot about having kids of our own some day). He is asking me to choose between having kids or staying together. I straight up asked him if this was his way of breaking up with me, he said no. I asked him what he expected/wanted. He said he wanted me to be ok w/ the change in plans, and wants to be with me. We really have a great relationship, and friendship. I just don't know how to go about this. I feel like i lose either way. Thoughts?

advice?

**SaharaJim** · 05-20-2011 02:28 PM

Sorry...tough but I think you have to take him at his word. He is not "father" material. If you want children...sorry but don't waste time on him.
Nature sets a Biological Clock; fair or unfair...your time is limited. Yes he can "change his mind" even late in life. You can not.

**KMonte85** · 05-20-2011 02:40 PM

I would be VERY curious as to what changed his mind so suddenly after 4 years together discussing your future children. This should be talked about further, you two need to communicate about this clearly and make sure you're both 100% clear on where you both stand and why, and how that will impact what you decide to do from here.

He may well have made up his mind, and in that case, you need to decide if you can live your life never being a mother. If you can, okay, stay and work it out. If being a mother was/is a dream of yours that you are unwilling to give up, then it will be time to move on. And he must recognize that his decision to not be a dad can not impact your decision to be a Mom someday - so you have to part.

Or he may just be freaking out about being a parent. Lord knows I've done the same. I've said I want kids, and now that they're starting to fall into the 5 year plan with my fiance.. I'm scared and thinking "yeah, maybe I don't want to be responsible for the surivial of another human being! That's really heavy!" But I know as soon as I talk it out with my fiance again, all the reasons we wanted to have kids in the first place.

This is why you must talk it out, and understand where each of you is coming from.

It may not be a winning situation right now, but please don't consider it a total loss, if you decide you should no longer be together. It is better to have found this out early enough, while you still have lots of opportunities ahead of you to be and do whatever it is that you would like.

**lizzardb63** · 05-20-2011 02:58 PM

I almost wonder if he never wanted kids and only told you he did. I was with someone also for 4 years and they suddenly came out and said they didn't want to get married when the whole time they said they did before that. We broke up and it was the best thing that's happened. I was able to find someone else who was more compatible with me and had the same wants and interests as me. I'd believe him. Don't fool yourself or pretend things will change.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-20-2011 04:52 PM

4 years..... usually is serious and in that, he can't hide any more of what the future will hold..

4 years and you should be able to communicate over everything. Did you ask him why the change of plans and if so, what was his response?

I can tell you from personal experience, it's not a change of plans often it's hiding the truth until that truth has to come out.

My ex husband was fine with 1 child until we married and from that day, "changed my mind".... you can imagine how stuck you are then, unless you deliberately go behind his back on it, but then his suspicious leads to no sex

So, dont' go down this road, if he has lied to you all this time, then there will and has been other lies as well it's selfish to do this and carry it on for years and hope that love is enough for you to stay.... Lying is enough for you to leave.

CW

**jns** · 05-20-2011 10:00 PM

Having children or not is often a deal breaker. I'm sorry you invested so much time in this relationship, but I think you are not going to be happy staying in it without having children. Try to find out why he has changed his mind and if he is willing to change it back.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-21-2011 12:20 AM

This could be the dealbreaker.

1. If you decide to forgo your dreams of kids and stay with him... you may resent him for years to come, everything he does wrong you will think -- I SACRAFICED HAVING CHILDREN FOR YOU!! It would be something hard for him to earn balance with in your eyes.

2. If he decides to have kids to keep YOU in his life... he may resent you for years to come, and worse -- he may resent the children you have together... which they will surely feel.

So unless he changes his mind GENUINLY because its what he truly wants, or unless you change your mind GENUINLY because its what you truly want -- there is so much to risk as far as resentment down the road goes. So if you decide to stay and not have kids, you have to be comfortable with that decision... whatever happens. If he ends the relationship with you right after your childbearing years have passed... would you feel you wasted that time on him... see what I mean? You have to be confident in the fact that YOU don't want kids either, that way no matter what happens... you did what YOU wanted to do... anything short of that will put so much pressure on the relationship... it would be hard for it to not collapse.

There are somethings relationships can survive and somethings they can't. And I think a relationship could survive an affair much easier than it could survive a difference of opinion when it comes to having children.

Take some time and think on it, really think on it. Don't make it about choosing kids or choosing him. Make it about what do you want most in your life... if its kids, and he doesn't want them -- you have your answer.

If its love and you have that with him, then you have your answer as well. He needs to do the same soul searching as well so that you guys can come to a decision on how to proceed.

**rcoreyus** · 05-21-2011 12:09 PM

I'm sorry, but if he doesn't want kids, he absolutely shouldn't be pressured into it - terrible think to do for him AND the kids. If you want kids, you shouldn't be denied something that is so important to you, you will regret it all your life. There may be no solution to this one except to end the relationship on good terms - no one has done anything wrong, you just want different things.

One last thing to try though - take in a foster child for 6 months (shelter care). You will be doing a good deed and will see how you both feel about actually having kids in the house. My wife and I were in a similar situation and after doing this she decided that she didn't want kids either.

**Katsaly** · 05-21-2011 02:37 PM

Definitely a deal breaker.

BUT that doesn't mean you have to lose him entirely. Maybe you can keep the friendship going (although you should spend some time apart to cool things down first). If he was as upfront with you as he could be about the kid thing, maybe the two of you can manage an amicable parting.

**Mes T** · 05-21-2011 05:04 PM

rcoreyus... that is a lovely idea and one that I wouldn't have thought of myself. Although I would guess that foster children who are used to going from place to place every few months may have a difficult to handle temperament, so maybe not the clearest picture of what your own child would be like. Still, having the experience of caring for a child, together, if only for a few months, must be extremely educational.