Boyfriend help, please? !!!

**Nemo** · 05-20-2011 09:45 PM

Hi, I want to start by saying that sorry for this being so long. Anyways, I need relationship advice. I am 15 years old, in 9th grade, and I am completely in love with my boyfriend who is also a 15 year old in ninth grade. So I know your thinking 'Oh she's not in love, she doesn't know what love is, she's too young' but no. I am in love. I know I am. Anyways, me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 5 months, but we have been in love with each other for 11 months, and we dated once before in October off 2009, so we have a little history. Well I love him with all my heart but I feel like all we ever do is fight. He is constantly asking me to change some of the little things about myself because he wants to "make me perfect for him." I try to be open about changing things because I am doing it for the guy I love but when I end up not being able to change we fight about it. When I try to ask him to change something (be more patient, not get so mad) he always gets mad and isn't open about it. We fight about the stupidest things all the time. When we fight I try to watch what I say because he asked me to do so and when I accidentally slip up and say something "wrong" he gets mad and threatens to break up with me and I practically end up begging him not to end things because we have taken a break before and it was VERY hard on me and I wad depressed and crying all the time and I don't want that to happen again. This happens all the time. Although this happens a lot we also have times that are amazing and make me feel very happy, but it never stays that way. He also tends to always talk down to me. He never tells me what is good about me, he only criticizes me. Also, he says that I am selfish, greedy, a b(edit), and things like that all the time but when I say something like "your being an a(edit) right now" he gets mad, yells, and tells me never to say that. I feel like I am in an unhealthy relationship and I'm not sure what to do now. If you have any advice please help me. I am in love and I don't know what to do without him so I don't want to end things but I want to make them better. Please help. (Btw, he is my best friend, has helped me through self injury and a suicide issue, he is the person I lost my virginity to, and he has never physically abused me in anyway and says he never will.) Thank you so much. <3 Nemo

**WildChild** · 05-20-2011 10:02 PM

Sweetie, He sounds manipulative. He is making you feel bad about yourself and no matter how much you love someone (yes, we know that love is very really at your age and can be very intense) if they do not value, cherish and respect you, then it isn't emotionally healthy.

It's hard but the truth is YOU can't make him change. Only he can decide to change and he won't as long as he can get away with this.

I know it won't be easy but I think the bet thing you could do would be to tell him that you won't see him until he can treat you with respect. Get out and do some things you enjoy either with friends or on your own, find ways to stay busy at home too. Learn to bake or cook or sew or fix cars or garden, something that will help you keep you mind and hands busy. Let him know that just saying, "sorry", won't be good enough. He's going to have to prove himself to you now.

Right now you are setting the stage for your future life and you have to learn how to set boundaries for the treatment you expect from males.

**Katsaly** · 05-21-2011 02:43 PM

It's definitely not a healthy relationship. He's manipulating you, and you are using him to avoid your own unhappiness. I know it's hard, but you need to learn how to be happy without him.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-21-2011 03:53 PM

Nemo...

If a person gives, they give because they want to not to receive anything back.

If a person takes, they take because they are greedy and have no intentions of giving anything back.

If a person "saves someone" but wants something back, you have to question why he / she saved that person.

What I am saying there, is controlling people can only control the weak...Does that make sense? By saving someone you feel grateful, you feel loved yes? Yet, there is an agenda, this person I can control, she is weak and so I get everything my way...

All I am asking is for you to see why he saved you, look at you walking around on eggshells is this what you wanted to be saved but to live not as you but as someone expects, wants, demands and if you stuff up, threatens, and then brings you back to where you were?

No...

You wanted to be saved and loved..

You love because you were saved..

You need to work out why you were cutting and why you contemplated suicide and deal with this, you need to realise that this person through wrong intentions, (that's his nature) he isn't evil, he just likes to control you are mine, you will do everything my way, opinionated, usually charismic, a womaniser, ....did in-deed save you so what are you going to do about it?

You have a chance now to live in happiness..This isn't happiness...He just crossed you over a huge hurdle now it's your turn to jump that hurdle further, for you, only for you.

CW

**ren_07** · 05-21-2011 07:09 PM

You need to realize that if you were to change those little things for him that seem to be just parts of who you are, he still wouldn't be happy or satisfied. You may think he will, but he will find something else to get picky about. It's a lose/lose for you and it shows he's the one with the issues and needs to change. AKA he needs to change his mindset towards you and this relationship and what he sees as "not perfect." His issue. Not your's. Don't let him make you think otherwise.

We all do this with partners. But if he's threatening to leave you over it, there has to be another reason he's considering leaving bc you don't leave someone you love bc they sneeze funny or snore. You leave them bc they hurt you or make you unhappy. It seems pretty obvious that you love him and I'm sure he notices this too and tries to use that to his advantage. He likes the begging. It then becomes not about love, but like others have said, manipulation. He knows he can use your desire to be with him to mold you into whatever he thinks is perfect. Unfortunately, no one is perfect. Every partnership is about accepting some things that just don't fit your ideal mold of what you want in a lover.

He gets some sort of thrill out of this control game. I think you should put your foot down when he asks you to change, but if you don't want to risk starting a conflict, just sweetly approach him in a non-defensive way about changing things together or a compromise. If he refuses, then ask yourself why does it have to be just you that must mold to HIM?

**Nemo** · 05-21-2011 09:01 PM

Thank you all for your help, really. I appreciate it so much. This has made me realize a lot. I am going to try to talk to him calmly and rationally and try not to start anything, and if it doesn't go well then I guess we will just be done, no matter how much it hurts me. Again, thank you. -<3 Nemo

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-11-2011 01:50 AM

Honey, our hearts definately can get confused you know? Please believe me when I tell you that, you can stand tall, I hope that you stay with us and keep in touch, continue to talk with us...

It only hurts as we all need someone but don't we all need the one?

CW

**Nemo** · 06-15-2011 12:26 AM

Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you all know that I talked to him about it and about how serious I was with being done with the relationship and somehow we worked everything out. We are both completely happy and haven't gotten into an argument in quite a bit of time. He doesn't talk down on me at all, he doesn't manipulate me in any way, and I feel like now that we have fixed that I have also became a much better girlfriend and friend to him. We have both started treating each other with as much love and respect as possible and we are both very happy together all the time. Thank you very much for all of your help, I truly do appreciate it. <3

**xxredroz3xx** · 06-16-2011 08:29 AM

I'm glad you guys worked it out

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-16-2011 11:20 AM

Well a month or so is a good sign, seems maybe you did stand your ground a little and you know we are here if things go a little wrong again

CW

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