Sticky Situation: Take a chance?

**ren_07** · 05-28-2011 08:15 PM

I really could use some advice on a sticky situation.

I haven't had the best luck in dating, some of you may be familiar with that through my other responses/posts. So when someone comes into my life that I feel it could actually work with, I start to seek advice from people. This is one of those times.

I'm in college. I graduate in two years. There is a friend in my circle of people who was dating a man for a couple years. I met him in the fall when she brought him around. Although he was serious about her, she was not so much. She crushed on other men and a couple times crossed the line. Around Christmas she actually cheated. He saw all this coming, though was really hurt and angry. They've never been a stable couple, never had much trust, always on and off. However he didn't have the balls to end it, you know how it is to get in those cycles of putting up with stuff when we really care for someone, and they kept semi-seeing each other until a month ago. He cared for her but the relationship had turned poisonous, but it was really never that great in the first place.

We were always friends, we clicked really well. Me and this guy that is. You could feel a spark between us but he was very good about not letting on to that. Once she cheated around xmas, he became less concerned with hiding the fact that we had a connection. We would tweet at each other (initiated by him) and that's all the further it went. I would shut him down a lot bc I didn't want to get involved. Yet it escalated and we eventually were tweeting so much we didn't see why we shouldn't have each others numbers to talk. This was in April and we have talked all day every day since thru texting. Sometimes he would ask to call, since he prefers that anyways, but again I was trying to keep him at arm's distance.

The flirting obviously increased. He initiates a lot of that. I usually shake it off. He asked if we could meet up and he could take me to dinner in the city a few times, but I turned him down both times because of the mutual friend. I didn't want to see him until more time had passed from them breaking it off officially.

He tried approaching meeting up as spending time with a group of friends instead of a date. I said I could be okay with going out with him alone next weekend on a date. I've realized how much I really like him and can't imagine not seeing him. We've been building up to this since April so I feel like it's safe that he's genuinely interested in me. I've told him before I don't want to be involved with any loose ends and he said he understood. Other conversations were discussed about how he's over her.

My concerns: Is he REALLY over her? Obviously he says so, but he may just be saying that. Is it too soon? I just don't want to be a rebound as I'm looking for something more serious but I'm not sure his heart is ready. He did care for her and it was long-term and he was the one who was hurt. He never came around this past semester after the cheating except a few times bc he was hurt and I have a feeling the last time was to spend some time with me in the group. But this has been going slow as it is. And he is not trying to look for a hook-up. He's not that kind of guy.

My other concern is keeping it a secret from the girl. Although she obviously is not quite so crazy about him and will probably be with the guy she cheated with fairly soon since she's always liked this guy, she would still resent me and him being together. He hasn't told her about our conversations and talking in the last two months, so I think he's trustworthy on keeping it downplayed, otherwise it would have come out. Ideally I would like us to date in private for a few months before showing anything so that it's more acceptable and I don't get yelled at for it. She's not that good of a friend personally, it would just make the group scenarios more awkward if she doesn't like me for this. In two years, I won't see her again after I graduate...we won't even have any more classes together I don't think.

What do you all think? Sorry it was a bit long but I wanted to explain things a bit.

**Mes T** · 05-28-2011 09:17 PM

Hold up, how is it any of the girl's business who the guy dates, if they've broken up? And if she's been a ... well, a you know what, to him even while they were dating?

This sounds exactly like my boyfriend and his ex girlfriend. EXACTLY.

I too asked my boyfriend the exact same questions: are you sure you're ready to date, are you sure enough time has passed, do you need closure... And the answer was always "yes yes yes I'm fine" and "no no no don't worry about my ex".

Well in hindsight I can't help but wish I had never started dating him. I'm still healing from over a year of pain and misery associated with him not being able to let go of his ex. I don't know if I ever will get over it, to be honest.

So my advice is to not date him. At least... not for a few months. Or a couple of years. Or NEVER, really.

A girl can be awful and horrible, but if a guy loves her and she leaves him... It's a very difficult thing for a person to get over.

**ren_07** · 05-29-2011 03:59 PM

Hahaha. I like your matter-of-fact response.

I can understand why she'd care since they dated a long time and I guess it would be breaking "bro code" for me to date him (whatever the bro code version for girls is).

But I suppose you have a point some men are babies about getting over their ex they really cared for. I hate that one girl screws it up for all the future ones. Are you two still together? How is he not letting go of his ex?

I think what confuses me and makes me more inclined to pursue this is because I've been shutting him down essentially since January and even now when he's not with her and he's still so persistent. He praises and compliments and flatters and I just don't know why any man would keep doing that if they were in love with someone else and I was saying no for months? The other thing that helps is that he lives over two hours away across state and we could only see each other once a week at best and that prevents things from going quickly anyways.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-29-2011 04:23 PM

Do you know how you are going to know?

It will be in his actions, listening to every word you speak, being a gentleman until you are ready and not being suggestive, not talking over you, or at you but with you.

If you see all of that?

Then he's over her

As for this um "friend" well, she had her chance and didn't want it, if this works, simply put, it will be months later after she cheated, it's almost 6 now, so there is no code, the code as far as I am concerned is not whilst together, and not if she was dumped by him and is still in love.

That aint the case

CW

**Mes T** · 05-29-2011 04:26 PM

Ugh I've got a couple of threads in the "relationship" forum all about my woes... Have a look at the recent one if you like, called "Continues drama with the boyfriend"... An example of what happens when a guy doesn't 100% get over what his ex did to him.

My boyfriend "chased" me in a way too, in the beginning of our relationship, and things really were great for the first 3 months or so. And then once we "settled" into the relationship, his issues with his ex cropped up again.

I realize that my posts are basically trying to talk you out of this possible relationship...

That's just because I'm still a little raw about my own issues, which your thread is reminding me of.

The truth is I don't know this guy personally. For all I know he could be fantastic... and not show the same weakness that mine did.

I think, ultimately, you should go with your heart.

But be aware of hidden baggage that could surface later.

**Maximus** · 05-30-2011 05:48 AM

Re-edit

**Maximus** · 05-30-2011 05:48 AM

I agree with what CW say, and I will add the following.
Building something together, making plans and realizing them are great ways to move on.
Every person being different, some take more time than others.
Plus from what you describe you seem quite well (still) in the honeymoon stage.

That's why trying to see through the emotions, all kinds of our personal baggage is difficult.
Making concrete plans (going on holiday together, spending quality time, ...)

And if he is not over her yet, soon enough you will see with what CW gave as clues.

**WildChild** · 05-30-2011 10:11 AM

I agree with CW and Maximus (aka Virgile) get together, see what happens. He could be a great guy for you. The older you get the more baggage everyone has. If he carries it around with him, that will become apparent. You are in your second year of college, the "group" you hang out with now may not be the same group you are with by the time you graduate. You aren't that close to the other girl and if she is a drama queen you will be better off cutting that tie anyway.

**ren_07** · 05-30-2011 02:43 PM

It will be in his actions, listening to every word you speak, being a gentleman until you are ready and not being suggestive, not talking over you, or at you but with you.

He is completely like that! That's why I'm so confused! And it's also why I realllllllllllly want to try this bc guys like that seem hard to come by in the college setting. It's this sweet nature that makes me realize he's a nice guy and probably hurting easily from what she did. He's not cold.

Technically HE is dumping HER in this scenario, bc although they've broken it off many times, he was the one who finally said I'm done. And he dumped her when she cheated as well. So he's been the one dumping, but I think he'd be an idiot not to with her behavior. He tells me how stupid he is and it's really black and white and if one of his friends was in that scenario he'd be like "what on earth are you doing?!" She's gone on "breaks" from him during the school year before school breaks so she can run into certain guys as a technically single chick at home and do what she wants without feeling as guilty. She's not particularly slutty and things may not happen with these guys so she'll get back together with him when things don't go as planned, but always sorta keeping her options open.

Last week she apparently showed up at his driveway yelling and upset. He says she needs to get it in her head that it's over. Of course, this is HIS version: the crazy psycho gf. So many guys talk about their ex like she's nuts.

Mes T, I'll have to read up on your scenario in the other threads. I'm quite interested. I would hate to get emotionally invested in him (even though I already am slightly as much as I've been fighting it) only to find out his baggage is enormous. Are things working with you and your man?

From what everyone seems to be suggesting, I should meet up with him and judge from there. Do you think I should be concerned about it being a secret since it's so soon after they "broke up" officially? Someone suggested I ask her if it's okay, but if I did she'd probably flip out on me and him as well. She's not gonna be happy AT ALL if she finds out...

I know once college is over in two years, I probably won't see her/talk to her again. You raise a valid point there. I guess I'm just nice and don't like upsetting people :/ or making things awkward for my friend circle. They went out for a year and a half or so.

**Mes T** · 05-30-2011 04:05 PM

Hi ren, just read your reply on my thread, and I've come to the conclusion that if he does end up still having ex issues then you'll be more than observant enough to catch it before you get too emotionally invested in the relationship.

I think I've had a bit of change of heart and agree with the other posters... Just try it and see what happens! Better than wondering "what if", eh?

Don't bother keeping the relationship a secret. IMO it just gives more power to the other girl... Like she's still got some control over his and your life.