what to do?

**Pau** · 07-10-2011 10:35 AM

hi
I need your suggestion and advise..
I met a guy who became very close to me.

He helped me alot when I was in my difficult times as I splitted up wit my husband.
This guy knows my situation very well and even told me about his situation too which let us become more closer.

He told me that he's not into porns or masterbation, because he doens't feel good after he is doing it.

We had a discussion for the past few weeks as I was having stress and so does he due to changing jobs.

He told me that he doesn't want to fall out on me and he loves me very much...etc...

But one day, when I wanted to use his laptop he was first hesitant, and I wondered why. I asked if he is hiding something and he said, no.
So while I was using his laptop, just by typing the website name, most of the links you visited to, is being displayed and I saw that he visited porn sites and even found out that he got an account.
When I asked him about that, he said he is getting spam mails and he doesn't have any account on that site.

But I insisted because I saw that he got a mail and inbox. And he told me that its not true and he will never do that.

Later on I still found out that he's a member of that site. How shall I tell him about this?
I like this guy and he wanted to have a relationship with me but he is just waiting for me. And he told me that he's willing to wait.

Now when I found out that he lied to me, I am not sure anymore...

He even told me that one of his rule is honesty and trust.

I don't think I can trust this him now...Please help, I need your advise

**Little** · 07-10-2011 02:27 PM

Maybe he is lying to himself? He says he doesn't like how he feels after watching porn, so he had to have watched it to know this. It could be that he's in denial about a problem, or perhaps the email and memberships are old.
In any case, you seemed to like that he was not into porn or masturbation. How do you feel if he is? If he had told you from the beginning that he enjoyed porn, how would you have felt? Is this a deal-breaker for you?
If you want to bring this up to him, you should calmly explain to him how disappointed you are that he lied to you. If you are okay with his use of porn, you should tell him so. If you AREN'T okay with his porn usage, I would urge you to seriously reconsider this relationship, as he has already shown he lies about the habit and has a personal conflict concerning it.
If you are no longer interested in him, you should probably stop contacting him for a while too. He has shown he has a romantic connection to you that he's willing to wait over, so don't let him think his porn use is something he can "wait out" if it isn't.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-10-2011 03:06 PM

Pau,

The question is what you read, in his in-box, did that bother you, did that suggest that he does want a romantic relation with you, was it only flirting, or harmless, or was it inviting and asking for sex.

If it was the later and during the period you two have been together, and he's professing his love for you, but asking for sex from somewhere else, then is he ready for a committed relationship or does he just want someone in his life, that is there when he wants them to be there, the "good wife" style, whilst he plays on the outside and has he done that before as well...

Is it acceptable to date for a fair period of time, and whilst one person says not to sex, the other seeks it to compensate whilst waiting? Is it acceptable to you.. And, would it stop once you gave sex yourself "intimacy" to this person? Has he shown you devotion around others, made them see the love he professes, or has he shown around others that he is his own man? Single.... And you are more like a friend?

Ask yourself that question as well...

Perhaps he is not ready to exit one relationship and enter another, regardless of what he is professing to you..Perhaps he still has baggage..

**Lorelei** · 07-11-2011 11:13 AM

I don't think the issue should be the porn. Men look at porn. It happens. But, like you said, the fact that he lied to you about it should be unsettling. You should question him about it. Explain that looking at porn is not the true issue, it's that he lied. Figure out why.

The fact that you read through his email, and later went through his computer again, is an idication that you don't trust him, for whatever reason. Most likely because of what you had just recently found. Now that that trust has been broken, you need to figure out if it can be re-established or will you feel the need to continue to read through his email and texts. If that is the case, do you think you can have a relationship like that?

On the other hand, the both of you are coming out of serious relationships for whatever reasons. Trust might be an issue simply because of the situations you two were in. Speaking from experience, you might think you trust someone and may have no reason not to trust that someone, but based on past experiences you might have issues trusting them anyway.

You also have to consider that he says "he's not into porns or masterbation, because he doens't feel good after he is doing it", he never said that he didn't do it. I know it's a technicality, but it's true. If his relationship with his wife is rocky and he is not the type to cheat, he might not like to do it but he might do it as a release anyways.

If the porn itself is not the issue, you need to sit down with him and tell him. "Look, I don't care about the porn. But why did you lie about it?" And if porn *is* the issue, then you need to tell him that as well.

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