Thread: Anyone else in my boat?

Yep, I've dated quite a few guys who were in the military, only one who was deployed. The deployment literally destroyed our relationship (though to be honest, it was on a rickety, patched foundation to begin with.) I have a lot of strong and unpopular opinions about what kind of men the military attracts and how healthy it is to stay in a relationship with someone who is gone all the time and belongs to a culture dripping with machismo. In short, I'm probably not very helpful to somebody who really wants to make it work.
But I can try anyways Something that always made me feel better was knowing that the things they do that hurt those they love are usually textbook reactions that help them cope. It's not you, it's him. You may find that he has not so much changed, but shifted the focus in his personality to traits that were previously more subdued.
Though you may think you want to commiserate with other military girlfriends/wives, you should be very choosy about it. There are lots of support groups on facebook, but most of them are filled with women who want to impose their insecurities on you. If you have doubts or get angry at your boyfriend, you're not playing by their rules. If you go out with your friends or otherwise spend time not writing letters, making care packages, or wasting away in your room crying while he's gone, you're a bad girlfriend! On the flip side, there are good groups that give good information and real support. Groups that share care package ideas, songs for mix tapes, places where you'll find real friends. I still talk to girls I met in the good groups ... I still shake my head at the bad ones. Save yourself some time and heartache by interacting carefully.
If I recall correctly, there were two other women who posted recently about issues concerning their military husbands, one of whom was coming back from a deployment. So, you're not alone on your boat, even on this forum Maybe if you write more about how your boyfriend has changed and how you're currently dealing with it, I can be more specific (and positive) for you.

He's an Army Medic and has been deployed twice. Before he left the first time he was very outgoing and energetic. He joined not because he wanted to shoot people but because he wanted to go over and try to make a difference for the other boys over there (hence his MOS as a Medic).

At first I didn't believe that.... he was very much a typical boy and I figured he wanted to join for the typical boy reasons, and maybe he did.... but whether it was there from the beginning or it was part of his change, he really was only interested in helping the other guys he was deployed with. I'm sure it was a little of both.

Anyway, I digress. Since he came home the second time he was extremely closed off, which I fully expected. Having suffered from, and having been around others who have suffered from, PTSD, I had a pretty good grasp on what to expect. He found peace of mind in his computer games and pretty much wanted nothing to do with human beings as a whole.

At first I was okay with this. I know that if your mind shuts down there is a reason for it. And after 3 years of seeing what he saw I thought he deserved to shut down for a little while. About a year after he came home I convinced him to join the fire company with me. I figured a year was long enough to play hermit and since he wasn't going to do anything to try to reintegrate himself into society, I would (even though he doesn't know that's one of the reasons why I suggested it). It's been very good for him.... he's going out of the house more, doesn't latch onto his computer as much, and actually has made friends around here outside of the military that he doesn't mind going out to hang out with.

It has actually helped with his dreams as well. When he first came home after the second deployment, he had very vivid dreams/nightmares every night. He wouldn't remember them the next morning, but they were vivid enough that I could make out what was going on in his head. He would yell, toss/turn, fight, cry.... he's even attacked me once or twice in his sleep. But since he's gotten out of the house and has something else to focus on he's been dreaming a lot less and sleeping a lot better.

Despite the fact that he is starting to become more outgoing and it seems his night demons are starting to fade (I don't suspect they will ever go away, he still shoots his invisible weapon at the invisible bad guy), there are still some things that bother me. Like his inability to really laugh. He chuckles, and every now and then I get a good laugh out of him, but those don't really last long and they're few and far between. He's not open with his feelings at all. I know it's combination of being male and being in the military, but he doesn't talk to me about anything that bothers him, or makes him happy, or stresses him, or relaxes him... nothing.

Also, he still seems to have issues taking responsibility for things. That's not exactly the issue, but it's the closest way I can describe it. As an example (a small one, but an example none-the-less) is the cleanliness around the house. Everyday I have to hunt down clothes, and dishes, and trash... and put them where they belong. He never cleans up after himself. But if the house starts to get messy, he looks at me and will say things like "Someone needs to clean up around here". Granted, when he says it it's in a joking manner, but I still get frustrated because he doesn't do anything to help to keep it from getting that way. And I've asked him several times (several being an understatement) about making sure his clothes are in the laundry, or his dishes end up in the kitchen, or if he's done with something to put it back.... but he'll get distracted with something else and forget.

Forgetting is something that has been happening a lot since he came home. When he was over there the last time a vehicle he was in was hit with 2 IED's at once and he ended up with majority hearing loss in his left ear and major short term memory loss. I've done what I can to help him with the memory thing, but with a trauma like that there is only so much you can do. It upsets him when he forgets things. Which brings me to his temper.

He does a great job keeping it in check. But there are days that I feel.... nervous is the wrong word here, but close.... maybe more anxious than anything. When he is upset he shuts up like a clam and I feel that any little thing could set him off. It doesn't happen often, but enough for it to nag at me. I'm not afraid for my safety or anything like that. If I were I wouldn't still be in the same house with him.... but it really bothers me that he won't open up.

I love him, and he loves me.... we haven't straight out discussed marriage, but we're looking to buy the house we're presently living in. For me, that's close enough to marriage to know we're in this for the long haul. And I want to do everything I can to help him heal, and not rush him through things, while still keeping my sanity and not getting frustrated. He is getting better..... June was his 2 year home mark, so it's a slow process. I know this, I'm prepared for this.... And not having anyone else who has been in a similar situation to talk to I think I've done alright so far.... but I wouldn't mind having the voice of experience tell me I'm doing it right, things will be okay, and maybe give me some tips from they learned from their experience.

So I guess that's it, in a nut shell. A really large nut shell, but a nut shell. lol