crafting the final message

**bob_smith** · 08-02-2011 05:06 PM

Ok, I need help on writing that final message to someone on an online dating site before I give up and move on. I found someone that seems ideally suited for me. We're both working towards a phd in very similar subjects: me, philosophy, she, theology. I'm 34, she's 33. We both like poetry and seem to have similar tastes. Also, I'm very traditional in my views towards sex, for example, I don't believe in sex before marriage, and out of the about 100 profiles I've seen on okcupid, she's the only one that shares that belief. Also she answered yes to the question that she sees herself getting married in 3 years, so she, like me, seems to be marriage minded. Also on our six things of what we want most, she ranks her faith as #4 and I rank God as #1, so that's important to us. The only problem is that while although God is both very important to us, she's a christian, whereas I'm not. I don't believe in any of the established religions, I just believe in God. I think that's why she's not responding. Anyway, here's the history, I wrote her once, then wrote her again two days later. She finally wrote back and said "I appreciate these emails but I'm too busy write now, writing my phd thesis," then she deleted her profile. Four days later she's back. I wrote her again, no reply. Now, I'm ready for my final try before I move on. Here's the letter I want to write, I need you to give me some advice on the letter:

Shannon,

I realize a phd thesis is important, but finding a good husband is even more important. As I'm sure you're aware, it is very difficult finding a man who is willing to get married. Being 33 years of age you don't have much time before it becomes very difficult before finding a husband interested in having children becomes almost impossible. You will probably meet roughly the same quality of men in the next 3 years, as you have in the last 3 years. Did any of them have everything you wanted? Probably not. Therefore, I think you should consider compromising and consider a man with whom you have a lot in common with but is not perfect, rather than holding out for the perfect man, not finding him, then ending up alone. Sorry, if this email comes across as threatening, it's not meant to be, I'm just trying to persuade you of certain facts of life, namely, that we cannot have everything want and that we must continually learn to be content with things that are less than ideal. Please consider my offer carefully.

Let me know if you have any advice on how I can make the same point but better.

Also, I suppose it should be known whether or not she's rejecting me because of my looks. I don't think so. Right now, my hot or not score is a perfect 10 after 6 votes. (edit link- not allowed it advertises site) HOT or NOT
I was surprised my pic was still on there. I put it up there like two years ago and forgot about it.

**bob_smith** · 08-02-2011 05:14 PM

actually never mind about the hotornot rating. i just looked through quite a few pics of the women and the ratings are completely out of line with reality. all ratings tend to fall between 9 and 10 and some rather ugly women will get 9.5 whereas some rather cute women will get 9.3, so it doesn't mean anything.

**bob_smith** · 08-02-2011 05:53 PM

i just talked with my mother and she told me not to write that. she said women like beggars. she also said just talk about yourself and that women already know that time is running out, so i don't need to write that. here's my new email:

Shannon,

I really want to encourage you to reconsider your initial misgivings. I used to have written on my profile that I'm passionately focused on marriage and being the best family man I can be, but I got the feeling that that might be scaring some women off. I then asked about it in a women's forum and about 6 out of 6 told me that that would scare them off. You, on the other hand, since you answered yes to the question: do you see yourself getting married in the next 3 years and because you're against premarital sex seem more interested in marriage than other women. So let me just say up front that I've been focused on marriage for the last 10 years and can offer as evidence of that fact that I have not had full sex during the whole time since I sincerely believed that sex was only for marriage.

Again, please reconsider my request. I'm really begging you. I think you're amazing and I find it rather remarkable how much the two of us have in common.

Let me know what you think.

**Claret** · 08-02-2011 07:54 PM

Trust me, women don't like beggers. Why do you have to have such a structured memo to her? She has said NO, she is not interested. Accept that and move on. You will not endear yourself treating her like a commodity and by quantifying what you have or have not been told on any forum. Yes, she may want to get married but she also may want to be with the person that she feels comfortable with. You are coming across (from what I've seen here) as needy, clingy and emotionally adolescent. At 33 years of age she still has lots of time to be a mother. She is focused on her PHD and more power to her to put that first before any type of emotional involvement at this time. She may have been looking for a friend first, lover and husband second. Why not just try to be her friend? See where that goes.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-02-2011 08:01 PM

some rather ugly women will get 9.5 whereas some rather cute women will get 9.3, so it doesn't mean anything.

Would you like to take that quote back?

Your Mother is correct, you need to purely relax and I would say "pushing someone" to speak to you, crowds their space, and no offense? Begging is not what your Mother mean't I believe. I believe she means or hope she means, let her wonder why you are not writing to her and let her approach you, you've already written to her twice, she took her details off the site, she put them back up to attract others I believe so I'm sorry.

Women like intreague. Once you "match" most things that they would like to see in a man, they like intreague... not constant bombards and certainly not telling them basically what will happen and has happened in their life when you don't even know them.

Send one liners.

Is it coffee break yet?

You know you want to say hi, I"m not that bad and you're pretty amazing.

Things like that.

**KMonte85** · 08-03-2011 07:00 AM

Bill,

I am not a fan of either of your letters. I'm not overly familiar with online datingand profiles, etc, but if I received either one of those messages in my box, the gentleman would be permanently blocked if it was at all feasible to do so.

The first letter is insulting; the message I get is "look lady, you're not getting any younger, so perhaps you should think about lowering your standards so you don't end up childless and alone. I'm available whenever you're ready to settle for less than perfect." Not a great message to convey to a woman you are interested in.

The second letter is much too needy and graphic. What I'm getting is, "I'm begging you to reconsider me! please, please, PLEASE reconsider! I want to get married! I don't care to who; I mean, I havent' had full sex in 10 years!"

How about you just write to her being you? As CW said, a friendly one-line message complimenting her would be nice, and most likely FAR more successful than the two monologues you posted here as examples.

**Fallen1** · 08-03-2011 08:27 AM

Agree with KMonte, both messages are insulting.

The one liners would come across less pushy and needy. Perhaps "Hey, I see you're back. Just wanted to say hi". If she's interested she'll reply.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-03-2011 10:32 AM

Bill, I'm sure you're a great guy. You probably have a lot to offer to the right woman. But just because you have things in common doesn't mean she's the right one for you or that you're the right one for her.

She doesn't want anything to do with you at this point and that's clear. Despite your things in common, despite previous communication, she doesn't want to pursue this with you.

In the world of love...you are not a salesman. You shouldn't have to "pitch" your product (you) to talk someone in to liking you or being interested in you. They either are, or they aren't. And she clearly isn't. Telling her that basically, she has her sights set too high is not going to change her mind. Sending the letter is going to make you look like a loon and generally will serve no purpose other than for you to come off sounding very desperate.

Cut your losses and move along.