Birthday Battles

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-21-2011 01:15 PM

The good thing here is you are able to voice your concerns for the way he's treating you without mentioning the computer. Him getting you NOTHING for your bday is an offense even the brokest of men/women have ZERO excuse for. He could have given you an awesome 1 hour massage for your birthday, made you breakfast in bed with whatever random staples he found in the fridge, He could have MADE you a card on the computer, heck even if he didn't have a printer he could have left it on the desktop for you to find instead of his latest anal machine download.

If he's an addict, that is likely his first love. His money, his time and attention will be focused on the addiction above all else including you, including himself. You being unhappy with his addiction will not be enough for him to quit. He'd have to organically want to for any headway to be made in that department.

But you can, and should tell him its not the money, its TRULY the thought, its the fact that he remembered or thought of you on the anniversary of the day you came into the world, something anyone that loves you should cherish; the day you were born. Focus on that more than the forbidden girl or the anal machine. Unless your sex life isn't what you want it to be and unless you honestly think he's having something going with that girl.

Is there anything he's doing to make you feel special and loved?

**cinbuns** · 08-22-2011 08:05 AM

Yes, I was shocked about the "intensity" of the porn that I found, but I'm not even going to bring it up.

As for making me feel special & loved, there's really not much there. I used to think that him occasionally buying me food or something was nice, until I found out that he does that for absolutely everyone. He spends tons of money on his friends, so I don't really feel "special" when he puts out $5 for my meal. (We never go to a real dinner or sit-down restaurant).

I think it truly bothers me about the gift thing because I know that with his ex (who we've had MAJOR issues with), he used to spend hundreds on her birthday gifts. He would order her things online, buy her Coach purses & matching wallets- you name it, she got it. She was a spoiled little rich girl, so it was expected for him to buy her things & he said he had to work tons of overtime hours to buy her gifts. Then... look at me. Nothing. All of his money magically disappears for me! I know I shouldn't dwell on the past, but sometimes I can't help it.

He is just a liar, honestly. It doesn't even have to be a big lie to bother me. Example: On Friday, he left the house at 10 am saying that he was going to a wedding rehearsal, which I knew didn't start 'til 5 pm. The whole time, he texted saying how boring the wedding stuff was. I later found out that he was actually playing golf. Why did he need to lie? I never know where he actually is.

Sorry to ramble on like that. I want to be with him because I love him, but everyone here is very convincing that I need to break up with him or at the very least talk to him about it. I'm just unsure of what to say.

**stressed** · 08-22-2011 08:18 AM

You don't mention anything positive about your relationship at all. "I love him" is not enough to stay with someone. Look at your life. Are you happy with it? Happy with living with an addicted liar? It's not about the gift, it's about everything around the gift that's the worst. Are you proud of being with him, does he give you any reason to be proud of him? Is he someone you talk to your friends about with joy?

He needs to get official help to end his addiction and deal with anger management. The relationship you describe sounds abusive to me: you can't talk to him because he'll get angry, you can't tell him what you know because he'll be upset etc. This is not a relationship, it's a prison. Go to your family for a few weeks, a relative, a friend, somewhere, and think about this.

**Elanor-Jane** · 08-22-2011 08:04 PM

if hes using a months worth in a week hes an addict. since u already know this dont let a drug addict come back with "its a prescription" as prescription drugs are just as bad. you know better, its just a case now of having the guts to leave him and concentrate on yourself. he obviously has a high level of denial and therefore is a LONG LONG way from getting better. would u want to go through all of that if he did come clean and ask for help. these are big IF's i know, but it basically comes down to three options
1. u stay with him in his state of denial, he keeps abusing prescription meds and u stay miserable forever
2. he admits he has a problem and u stay and help him through recovery (but id say he will need clinical rehabilitation) and that will be a financial burden on you
3. you leave and maybe he will wake up and u guys can patch it up in the future once he's CLEAN, but if he doesnt get well in time for that count your blessings as you got out in time to save yourself.

as far as the computer business, if u are aware that he uses a months worth in a week, tell him he is abusing his meds, "get help or im leaving" etc.

ive dealt with alot of friends and family on drugs and it only gets worse. ive been pulled down with them as i thought i would do anything it took to help them (i had a friend come back to my home town with me so i could get her away from the industry she was in, drugs etc in her case valium (from a prescription) then later cocain and alcohol, (the valium was the worst offender tho) but i just got used and turned against, and this was after months of financial support too, and all i have to show for it is no money, a cancelled trip to the USA and a mind full of visual trauma --she used to cut herself in front of me, try and hook up with my little brothers, christmas night and many others in emergency depts etc etc) and this was no little girl, this was a 40 yo woman.

so u can deal with it now or leave. cos the longer u wait the worse it will get and if it does, youll be happy he can even remember to buy milk let alone a birthday present.

be strong

**cinbuns** · 08-24-2011 10:05 AM

Honestly, I can't leave because I can't afford a place on my own right now. We decided to live together to split the bills. So it's going to be awkward to bring this up and still have to live with him. I just love him so much and I can't imagine my life without him. I've built myself on making this relationship so much that I do not have a life outside of it. I'm finishing up my last semester in college & working, but outside of that, I have no friends, life, etc. All of my family is hours away. So, I feel very alone and attached to him. I think that's why it upsets me so much as well... I have no one but him, and even he is screwing me over.

He sometimes makes me laugh and I love being around him... but then something always happens. Like yesterday we were just talking and he said we needed to clean the house. I said okay, and asked if he was planning to have anyone over. He immediately got angry and called me a psychotic nut case for even asking... that's why I can't even bring up these other issues... he'll react like that, only worse!

I'm on the verge of tears and I know that it can't go on any longer like this... but I have no place to go. I know that I need to talk to him, but once I do, it's going to be a horrible living situation.

**Little** · 08-24-2011 10:08 AM

Find a roommate! The beginning of a semester is a great time to do it, too. Check Craigslist. Somewhere in your city MUST be a poor soul whose roommate backed out on them last-minute.

**orchiddreams** · 08-26-2011 12:26 PM

The birthday gift is not even an issue at this point. It is only an indicator that something is truly wrong in your relationship.

You are not doing any favors for yourself or him by not discussing the addiction. If he doesn't want to talk about it and is in denial then that's his issue.

You however, need to face the fact that if he can't even be honest with you and you can't trust him then this relationship is lacking the fundamental base of a strong relationship.

You can help him and yourself or you can help youself and get out while things haven't escalated.

The birthday gift and lies are the facts and they speak for themselves. Don't second guess the facts. You have to ask yourself whether you will be happy about staying when things are the same years from now. If you want change you have to act.

Best of luck.

You can do whatever you put your mind to. A friend, parent, family member will have no problem putting you up if you are in a potentially harmful situation.

I would make and solidify plans to leave before exposing the truth so you have a safe place to go if things are not going to work out.