he needs tips on "how to keep his wandering eye in check"?

**wishy0uwerehere** · 08-11-2011 05:00 PM

my boyfriend loves me and has never/will never cheat on me. however, im very UNNECESSARILY paranoid about this. i dont like to hear when he thinks another girl is pretty, so i ask him to keep that to himself (reasonable request). i have low self esteem so im constantly worried that hes comparing me to other prettier girls. i know i take this out on him (by constantly saying "do you promise you dont like anyone else?"), and im trying very hard not to, but its been difficult and for some reason its been coming to a head recently. anyway, today i saw an email he sent to his friend. he told him he may "need tips on how to keep his wandering eye in check, despite being very happy in love." what does that mean? does he just know that he needs to find a way to stop noticing other girls, because its been bugging the out of me? he doesnt mean hes going to cheat on me, i know that. but what DOES it mean?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-11-2011 05:23 PM

He's venting, about you

He's telling his friend that you keep worrying regardless that he is in love and now he's paranoid that he may look at a girl and be accused of looking at her...

Why did you snoop?

**wishy0uwerehere** · 08-11-2011 05:36 PM

you really think hes venting? and i snooped because ive just been going CRAZY recently, for no reason, and sometimes it makes me feel better to snoop and see that he is in fact not cheating on me and in love with me. i dont know why ive been going crazy, but i feel like the universe is trying to tell me something, and i feel like if i look and nothing is there, everything is ok

**wishy0uwerehere** · 08-11-2011 05:38 PM

the venting thing does make sense. i hope thats what it is. i know its stupid, he can look at whoever he wants and think whatever he wants about her, but it just would make me sad to know that im not the only girl he fantasizes about. thats my fear

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-11-2011 05:41 PM

You need to have one nice, sweet (not accusing or whining) talk to him about respect and your comfort level (EVERY woman's mileage varies on this issue... some encourage their men to look at other women, others don't want all that in their presence). For me, I find it disrespectful if my guy is gawking at another woman in front of me. I don't like any woman around us to feel like she's the apple of his eye instead of me, to me thats respect. In return when a guy stares at me when we're together, or HITS on me in front of him (which has happened) I turn my attention to him and don't play into that stuff at all... so that he is given the respect HE deserves and isn't made to feel like any guy has the upper hand with me either.

Tell your man you KNOW he's not blind, that its perfectly normal and you expect that he will see other women he is attracted to , even when you're right there on his arm... but that when you ARE right there on his arm, it would mean a lot to you if he could 1. keep his observations to himself and 2. Never take noticing a chick into creepy and or disrepectful territory by staring or rubbernecking and all that. Bottom line it makes you feel less special to him and uncomfortable.

What you don't want to do is make it so he's uncomfortable running into pretty women around you, it will cause grief in your day to day life. Don't freak out on him, don't accuse him of liking some girl just because she's pretty, don't ask him if he likes such and such girl, or any of that. Just trust him that he's with he has what he wants and let it go... just tell him the truth that you do get insecure, sometimes you need the reassurance and all you really want is to feel respected when there are other women around.

He should be able to handle that.

**wishy0uwerehere** · 08-11-2011 05:47 PM

hopeless, you are very right. and i dont mind if he notices "hey, shes cute" and moves on. i think thats what he does. and thats 10000% fine with me. ive never overheard or snooped and found him talking to a friend talking about "oh my god shes so hot i want to do everything to her." so i guess i should be happy, and i am. but his email still concerned me. he may need tips on how to control the wandering eye? why? does he think it will become so much of a problem that it might destroy the realtionship? or does he want to stop noticing women completely so that he can 100% devote him to me. im just not sure where his intentions lie, since he does admit that he may have or does already have a wandering eye. is this wandering eye harmless? or is he worried its going to get worse and worse over the years?

**wishy0uwerehere** · 08-11-2011 09:42 PM

my boyfriend is the most wonderfully caring, loving, attentive, sensitive, and sweet person ive ever met. he loves me and i love him. hes never done anything deserving of me not trusting him, but somehow i cant get 100% there. weve been together almost a year...i should probably have my stuff together by now, no? i constantly find myself checking his emails, questioning his whereabouts when he tells me he cant hang out, and generally dreaming up scenarios about him cheating on me. and it seems to be getting worse despite his and my best efforts. im going to drive this realtionship into the ground. and if i cant trust this one, the perfect one, how can i ever trust anyone else? how can i ever love anyone else? and, finally, how can i NOT end up dying alone if i keep up this pessimism?

**stressed** · 08-12-2011 12:29 AM

Do you feel attractive? Are you happy with your sex life?

**stressed** · 08-12-2011 12:37 AM

A year is not really that much of a time to know a person (if we can ever fully understand a person).

When you don't live together there will be days when either of you won't be able to see each other, it's understandable.

Have you had other relationships before him? What makes him so perfect? How old are you?

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-12-2011 06:58 AM

I completely agree with CW in regards to the email, he was just venting. You said its been an issue with you guys lately and he probably is as bothered by it as you are (even though it would be um, super easy for him to just put a lid on it when you guys are together lol... I will never, and i mean NEVER, understand why some men MUSt say OUTLOUD when they see someone hot. Like if they were to just ackknowledge it in their own head it would be somehow as irrevelent as it actually is) I mean seriously its like stating the obvious in most cases, I don't walk around going , he has red hair, wow there is a couch, look a cloud! But meh, others are a little more needing of blurting out every thought that comes across their head :P

But like Cw said hon, he was just venting. You shouldn't have read that email. No more than you would want him to read what you are typing here.... you already said you believe he is not cheating... no need to read his personal thoughts or expressions of frustration to friends. Some things people say that don't mean as much as you would think it does if you were to say something like that. Thats why reading other peoples private convo's, or listening in to them... is not good. Not good for the person you are doing it to as their privacy is being violated (everyone needs to feel like they can speak their mind to who ever they are speaking it to, without fear that someone else will later hear/read what they've said) and its not good for you, it will make you over analyze and think of things you shouldn't worry yourself with if you believe he loves you and you trust him.