Sick of boyfriends ex and her family!!

**Elanor-Jane** · 08-18-2011 04:40 AM

Hey all, need to know if I'm justified. I've been seeing my bf seriously for 6 months, he said the "I love you"'s first and I am genuinely sure that I'm in live with this person/ want to be with him etc but he still has major ties to his soon to be ex wife and her family and it's really starting to get to me. They own a business together, him her and her mum, but after she cheated on him she moved to the city and he runs the business himself except when they do large consultations once a month for 1-2 nights out of town. She used to help out once a fortnight and stays at his house (he's buying her out if it at the moment) has her own bedroom etc but still calls it her house and her stuff is still everywhere. I was ok with this for a while, we even became friends! I did however start to get annoyed by the fact that there were still framed photos of them in plain sight like just the two of them, and her parents wedding photo and stuff like the wedding album sitting up splayed slightly in the home office and u see it whenever u have to go in there. I finally got up the guts to tell him it got to me last week and ge said he didn't notice like that and they were gone the next day (phew!) HOWEVER I still feel as tho I'm dating a married man! He's in melb for an industry conference atm with his ex mother in law who is insisting he babysit her the whole time even tho he has family there and wanted to see them but she wanted to go with him! He's never said a nice word about this woman and she still tries to control him. So he didn't go see his mum tonight! His ex is nice to me but recently called me "Suzy home maker" when I was making dinner for everyone (shes a professional and has never cooked, employes cleaners etc) and says stuff about dan behind his back all the time. I'm sick of her snide comments I'm sick of seeing her wedding dress everytime I go to get a sweater (HE made room for my stuff, I didn't ask if I could leave anything- he bought me a loofa and a tooth brush after a week, keys to his place after two weeks, trip away after less than two months, helped me buy my car etc) so he's serious! But why does he let her and her mother treat him like they do!? He works so hard for a business that will never be his, he's so stressed all the time it sucks. So I told him I'm not staying at his when she's there two nights a month. Am I justified in being increasingly uncomfortable with this or being unrealistic? He's said he knows it's a weird situation and at the start I was ok but the more serious we get the more it's edited me off!!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-18-2011 04:49 AM

Hun, you are concerned over 6 months, you have done your best to get to know her, men don't think so he wouldn't have thought about the photos, you are new so she will cause havoc even though they are going through Divorce? And probably she has no feelings left? He was hers, there is an adjustment feeling there.

Who is there two nights a month?

Why is the wedding dress not given back to her?

She is probably "pretending to be friends" there has to be grrrr in her mind, don't trust until you know you can and there is this thing? Called "don't go behind the profanity filter? If a word does not exist you can't add *** to take thir place.... edited

**Elanor-Jane** · 08-18-2011 06:14 AM

She stays in the house when she visits or comes to town to consult in their clinic or go out of town to consult. She does so because she believes she can still treat the place like it's hers and leave everything intact. The only thing that is different is she has her own bedroom there, a whole room to herself that is packed full of clothes and shoes and then her half of their wardrobe is still full of her stuff too like she never left. Not to mention every other storage in the house contains her. What's she going to do with the dress? She doesn't give a so she's just left it all there. She even walks in, in the morning when were in bed (we sleep naked) to make sure he's awake when they have to drive two hours into the country. It's just overbearing. I mean he'll ask me over and were all hanging out like were one big happy family and I was happy with it until she started to show her true colours I guess. Now I'm seeing her better I'm pissed at how she's treating him. She has a new apartment in Syd that she's bought with her bf why does she have to lord it here too?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-18-2011 06:21 AM

Well she doesn't and you need to stand up for yourself, "am I in your life" or "does she rule because frankly she can not walk into your bedroom, it's yours together now, she can not have her wedding dress hung, or photos and she has someone else in her life and she needs to now respect and arrange to sleep there as a guest if she feels she has to without spending money or find a hotel

You need to set boundries I don't blame you for feeling like you are participating but like now you are a third person?

Even if she was a controlling person you need to "tell" him nicely how you are feeling but make it known it's not on, you are in his life now this behaviour has to stop or you will have no choice but to walk it's not acceptable.

How old is he?

Do you think he has let go?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-18-2011 06:23 AM

The question is, why does HE allow this to happen? I don't think this is about the ex and her family. They were married, they considered him a part of their family, she cheated and did him wrong and I'm sure her family still thinks of his as part of their family.

My opinion, there is NO reason for her to be staying all night with him. She can get a hotel. Stay with a friend or family, etc. Why does he let her?

Why is he so aloof about your feelings that he doesn't even "think" about you walking in to pictures of he and his WIFE (she is that, until they are divorced)? Or that he makes room for you in the closet all the while seeing his wifes wedding dress hanging there? To me that sounds more than aloof, it sounds extremely inconsiderate.

You have mentioned that you're only happy when you're around your boyfriend. What about a life of your own?

**Elanor-Jane** · 08-18-2011 06:56 AM

He's 31. I felt bad for her at 1st their marriage broke down because she cheated on him for 6 months and it came to light that she was bulimic (she'd hidden it from him) and her mother is hitler so I understood that she wouldn't want to stay with her parents. He says to me alot that he sufferers from low self esteem and I think hes worried she'll take everything if he doesn't placate her. She's pretty nuts, she told him he was disgusting and make her sick to look at when they used to fight and I know they are not connected like they used to b but I think she did a number on him. We live in a pretty small town. He knows the guy she was seeing. He needs to be stronger I know but I have to try and do it carefully. He's worth it I don't want to lose him. U mentioned I rely on him alot as I suffer from cronic depression and when I'm feeling extra hopeless it helps to have his company. Wasn't always like this, had a bad breakup myself last year

**Crystalblue** · 08-18-2011 06:57 AM

It's his responsibility to set up new boundaries with his ex and her family. It sounds like he's trying to please everyone so no ones feelings get hurt, but yours still are. Does he know how you feel about the situation? His ex should not be staying in the house with her things all over, not when he's bringing you into his life. She should be staying at a hotel. At the very least, he could put a lock on the bedroom door so she can't just barge in. That would start to give her the message, but really he should just tell his ex that he's trying to start a new chapter of his life and needs space.

**Elanor-Jane** · 08-18-2011 07:34 AM

Talking about it with u guys has made me feel better about broaching the subject further so I spoke to him just then and he said he'd clear out the bedroom when he gets back from Melbourne. So atleast I won't have to look at her fake tan stained wedding dress everytime I go to get something lol I'll put all her old creams and in the bathroom she uses too, he doesn't notice all this stuff so he won't care if I put it in the big bathroom with all her . Thanks for your comments because I get depressed and anxious I feel as though I am apt to making drama so I let stuff go thinking it's the mature thing to do when really it bothers me and makes me worse for it in the long run. And I guess I feel as though were serious enough for me to stand my ground a little more. Were not just "dating" I practically live here :/

**Little** · 08-18-2011 09:51 AM

Are they divorced or not? You said that she's his SOON TO BE ex-wife. If that's the case, then yes you are dating a married, albeit separated, man!

I'm seeing red flag after red flag in your posts:
1. The divorce isn't final
2. She hasn't taken all her things out of his house (she even still owns the house!)
3. He's still got contractual ties to her family via the business
4. He still spends a great deal of time and effort with his wife and on making her comfortable
5. He jumped belly-first into a new relationship with you - moving you in before moving her out!

The last one is my biggest concern. Those actions don't say "ready" or "serious" to me in a man still going through a divorce. They say "immature" and "lonely." They say that he's dealing with the divorce proceedings very poorly, not giving himself time to heal.
I would suggest against moving anything in the house or getting rid of anything. Until the sale and divorce are FINAL, that is indeed her house. In fact, I suggest putting the relationship on ice until they get that paperwork in.

**Elanor-Jane** · 08-18-2011 04:53 PM

They've been separated a year, technically, they did try again from feb-June last year he said for her mother but he knew he couldn't trust her and so it wasn't the same. The house will b bought out soon he's just waiting on lawyers and I don't know what its like elsewhere but u have to be separated a year in Australia before you can file for divorce. I think he has been very lonely, he says that we are meant to be, he would spot me out over last summer and him and his friends referred to me as that rockabilly chick, he approached me twice but I was with my ex and payed only polite attention etc so I feel like it was eventually supposed to happen. I know he's worth it, he's never said a mean word to me unlike my controlling italain ex and he's so kind and has amazing friends which I think says alot about a person. I will pull back a bit until the settlement goes through and the divorce etc but if I ever mentioned a break I would break his heart and I think that would really tear him up. He's so stressed I don't want to make any more. He mentioned also last night again that she can take all her to her mums when settlement goes through. I think he's scared of being taken to the cleaners re the business, he's only a new clinician etc and new director his share isn't much