cheating/trust problem, advice?

**verwirrung** · 08-27-2011 08:54 PM

Wondering if someone could give me some advice here, as I'm not sure what to do. I'll try to explain my situation briefly:

My boyfriend of nearly two years apparently had an account on OkCupid that he never deleted, and a few weeks ago he received a message from someone there. He told me that it was nothing and was ignoring it, and would delete the account. I found out later that he didn't; the woman started flirting with him, and he flirted right back. Here's a real kicker: apparently, this woman is going around the site "testing" guys in a relationship to see if they'll cheat and then trying to find their girlfriends to tell them to get out while they can. My boyfriend told me one morning that we had to talk, and told me what he had done.

I had already noticed that he was acting out of character; his whole demeanour was off, everything about him was guarded, and he told me he suddenly wanted (a very social man who hates doing things by himself) to go out by himself that Saturday to play pool. I asked him what was up, and he told me repeatedly that there was nothing.

There is the background. Here is my predicament:

1. He confessed all this to me in tears, telling me he was so sorry, and that he never intended to actually meet her. He told me this before she could find me, apparently afraid that he was already too late and that I would leave him. His apology seemed completely genuine.

2. On the other hand, how do I trust him again? I love this man, but I now know that he is capable of intentionally doing something he knows beyond doubt will hurt me. How do I know he won't do this to me 20 years down the line and actually go farther with somebody?

Apparently, the morning he confessed this to me, she sent him a message telling him that she would find me and tell me to get out while I could. How do I know that he wasn't just telling me to cover himself?

He told me that his want to go play pool by himself was going to be his time to think about how to tell her to go away, because up til that point he "couldn't say no to her". How do I know that he wasn't actually planning to meet her that day?

The woman did indeed email me, but I let him delete the email without me opening it, because he insisted that he just wanted it to be over, and that he had said some things in the conversation with her that were "exaggerated" in order to make the conversation "more interesting", and he didn't want me to read "lies".

The way he told me everything was ok when I asked him, even though I could still kinda see that something was up, sounded so sincere that I began doubting myself that I was seeing cues in him tipping me off to something. If he can lie to me like that, what else could be a lie?

There are just so many questions and horrible thoughts going through my head... I haven't left him, but I'm having such a hard time with everything. This has struck such a blow to my trust in him. When we go down the street, all I seem to notice is him staring at other women. It could be that he is, and it could be that he's just noticing people near us. The fact is that I'm ridiculously insecure, and I don't know what to believe anymore.

I don't want to leave him. But I have such a hard time trusting someone who has hurt me even a little, let alone betrayed me in such a way as this.

I know this is probably said here a lot, but any advice would be helpful, and sorry for ranting.

**Mes T** · 08-27-2011 09:23 PM

I'm sorry but I cannot come up with any other solution than to leave him. Of course his apology seemed "sincere." ALL men apologize like their lives depend on it when they get caught doing something. Doesn't mean he won't do it again as soon as this blows over, forget 20 years down the line! I think you deserve a lot better. I'm sorry.

**verwirrung** · 08-27-2011 09:40 PM

It's just that there's still so much of me that feels that he's "it". We've had such a happy relationship up til this point, and as long as I'm not thinking about this thing (though admittedly, as all of us know, that's hard not to do) I still smile. He makes me so happy otherwise, and there's so much about him that is good.

Is there any way someone knows to aid in the rebuilding of trust?

**Crystalblue** · 08-27-2011 11:10 PM

I know what it's like to have trust issue suddenly come up because of a situation a little different than yours, but all I can tell you is that time will be the decider. Just like it takes time to feel comfortable and trust someone you're just meeting, it'll take time to rebuild, only now there's the added problem of you knowing what they're capable of doing to you. If trust is going to be rebuilt, there has to be a change in how you're being treated, a living amends.

I've been working through this with my husband for about six months, and I still struggle with trust. I notice him noticing other women when we're out and get suspicious about what he's doing on his phone. I feel like it's gotten a lot better. I haven't been checking his accounts anymore, not so much because I trust him, but because I'm tired of doing it. I got a lot of support and great advice from friends and people here. I went out and started working on myself and had a great time doing it. Now I feel like if I'm ever treated like that by him again, I'll have all the answers I need about what I should do.

I still take time to write and think about where our relationship is at. Hopefully I can get to a point where trust isn't an issue anymore. If I can't, then I can't, and that'll be the end of it, but there's no magic answer or cure to rebuild trust. I did a lot of searching for the quick fix and there just isn't one. It can be broken down in the blink of an eye, but it doesn't work the same building it back up.

The real question should be how much work are you both willing to put into the relationship. He would have to put in a lot of effort here. My suggestion to you would be to distance yourself a little and let him do the work putting it back together. Start doing things that make you happy and that you enjoy. It'll show you that your life is more than your relationship and help you to see your value. You deserve to be with someone that can see it too.

**jns** · 08-28-2011 12:21 AM

Originally Posted by verwirrung

Wondering if someone could give me some advice here, as I'm not sure what to do. I'll try to explain my situation briefly:

My boyfriend of nearly two years apparently had an account on OkCupid that he never deleted, and a few weeks ago he received a message from someone there. He told me that it was nothing and was ignoring it, and would delete the account. I found out later that he didn't; the woman started flirting with him, and he flirted right back. Here's a real kicker: apparently, this woman is going around the site "testing" guys in a relationship to see if they'll cheat and then trying to find their girlfriends to tell them to get out while they can. My boyfriend told me one morning that we had to talk, and told me what he had done.

I had already noticed that he was acting out of character; his whole demeanour was off, everything about him was guarded, and he told me he suddenly wanted (a very social man who hates doing things by himself) to go out by himself that Saturday to play pool. I asked him what was up, and he told me repeatedly that there was nothing.

There is the background. Here is my predicament:

1. He confessed all this to me in tears, telling me he was so sorry, and that he never intended to actually meet her. He told me this before she could find me, apparently afraid that he was already too late and that I would leave him. His apology seemed completely genuine.

2. On the other hand, how do I trust him again? I love this man, but I now know that he is capable of intentionally doing something he knows beyond doubt will hurt me. How do I know he won't do this to me 20 years down the line and actually go farther with somebody?

Apparently, the morning he confessed this to me, she sent him a message telling him that she would find me and tell me to get out while I could. How do I know that he wasn't just telling me to cover himself?

He told me that his want to go play pool by himself was going to be his time to think about how to tell her to go away, because up til that point he "couldn't say no to her". How do I know that he wasn't actually planning to meet her that day?

The woman did indeed email me, but I let him delete the email without me opening it, because he insisted that he just wanted it to be over, and that he had said some things in the conversation with her that were "exaggerated" in order to make the conversation "more interesting", and he didn't want me to read "lies".

The way he told me everything was ok when I asked him, even though I could still kinda see that something was up, sounded so sincere that I began doubting myself that I was seeing cues in him tipping me off to something. If he can lie to me like that, what else could be a lie?

There are just so many questions and horrible thoughts going through my head... I haven't left him, but I'm having such a hard time with everything. This has struck such a blow to my trust in him. When we go down the street, all I seem to notice is him staring at other women. It could be that he is, and it could be that he's just noticing people near us. The fact is that I'm ridiculously insecure, and I don't know what to believe anymore.

I don't want to leave him. But I have such a hard time trusting someone who has hurt me even a little, let alone betrayed me in such a way as this.

I know this is probably said here a lot, but any advice would be helpful, and sorry for ranting.

Normally I would say to leave him, but this case is different in that he does not sound like the one pursuing. He sounds like he is weak. That may be something that can be fixed. Did he have intercourse with her? Was it petting or kissing or holding hands? Or did he just show up at her beck and call? Do you want this woman that you do not know to win by stripping your bf from your life? Has your bf done similar things before but not gone so far? Rebuilding trust in any case, is going to be difficult.

**Little** · 08-28-2011 07:20 AM

Only you can decide how damaging this has been to your trust and relationship. Personally, I wouldn't support it. He had a chance to end this situation before it started, and he didn't. If she was "testing" men, he failed.

I'd want to read what she has to say. She can't be terribly hard to find or contact. The reason I'd do this is because cheaters routinely LIE. He lied about contacting this woman, he lied about seeing her, what's to stop him lying about what he did with her? Of course, take whatever she says with a grain of salt too. Just because she doesn't have a horse in this race doesn't mean she won't lie.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-28-2011 10:45 AM

To be honest, the whole story sounds a little shady. I mean, if some woman is going around ok cupid looking for men to chat up then reveal the chats to their gfs -- how does one put a plan like that into action? I'm assuming men seeking women on a dating site don't say: Hi I have a gf/wife.. here is her contact information so you can rat me out for being here. It would be 1. difficult for her to pin down which men are in relationships despite saying they are single and 2. To find these women just to send them some random email.

Sounds real squirrly hun.

Secondly, him demanding you delete the email site unseen, him wanting to go play pool to THINK about how to say goodbye to her? Really? Couldn't he work that one out in the shower or on the way to work? She's some random chick on a dating site, why would going to play pool be what he needs to deliver the blow that he was lying and is in a committed relationship? something she apparently already knows if she emailed you?

The whole thing just sounds off. If you love this man and want to move foward with him, i can certainly not blame you for that. But I think he's going about starting over wrong by being all weird and confusing. In order to go forward with trust you need honesty, you need to know why he felt the need to start talking to any random chick that would inniciate. Is he bored in the relationship? Is he just using you til he finds something else or is he really feeling like he has the one in you? Did he just enjoy the ego boost from hearing from someone? Is there something he needs from you that he isn't getting? Are you getting what you need from him?

I think basically you guys have to come to the conclusion of what lead him astray in order to learn to talk about when those same feelings hit and how he can deal with them (like coming to you and telling you what he needs or how he is feeling) rather than just dealing with them artifically by talking to random girls.

**Elanor-Jane** · 08-28-2011 06:31 PM

His whole story sounds like a cover up. More likely he met someone else, online or whatever, and she found out he has a gf and he is putting the blame on her (making him look like a victim also). She wants u to know the truth and somehow found a way to contact you. If she has found a way, more likely than not she may know ppl u know and have accessed your email. Or that could be a lie too. Did u see the email bfr u opened it. I worked in an industry that made me a very good liar. I wasn't cheating on my partner per say but my work needed to be covered up (unfair but a reality in the particular industry) I can spot lie a mile off and this reeks. I wouldn't trust him as far as u can throw him as frankly there are two types, men that think about cheating and will eventually do it, and men that leave their partners if they are unhappy as they wouldn't dream of hurting a person with infidelity. Unfortunatly alot of men (and women) think they can live the dream and not get caugh. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Basically I would call his bluff. Tell him you know everything and u are going to stay at a friends place until he can admit the REAL story not just his shiney "I'm a victim too"
story. If he continues to stammer on with bull, I'd leave as he's not actually sorry he did it, just that he got caught.
U can do better, I don't believe in the "one" I thought I had that person but now I've met someone who treats me a whole lot better but if he did that to me I wouldn't be trying to make amends.

**stressed** · 08-29-2011 10:57 AM

Recover the e-mail she sent and read it (there are many easy-to-use programs that recover deleted e-mails out there), or ask her to send it again (it should be easy to find her). Even if he told the truth about her, like Little said, he failed. It doesn't matter how you learnt about this or via who, he had an emotional affair going on and he "couldn't say no to her". Men who 'can't say no' tend to cause a lot of pain to their partners because they want to be 'nice to everyone', usually due to insecurities, and this can lead to emotional affairs, bonding, but not always a physical connection. It's also hard to be with such men because on the one hand they can be honest about "not wanting to do it" but on the other hand they do it anyway because they are weak.

I don't know if you can trust your life on such an insecure man who lies. Everyone begs, cries and lies even more when caught, always. It takes a lot of time to rebuild trust and it doesn't always happen.

**verwirrung** · 08-29-2011 01:59 PM

jns, he claims he only talked to her online, and never met her in person or ever intended to meet her in person. The part about him not meeting her, I believe. We live together, and have been using only one car, so I would have noticed him going out without me. I am afraid that he might have intended to meet her, though. What Hopeless Dork said about him wanting to go out to "play pool" to "think about it" did sound so fishy to me, and I have a feeling that there was more to it than just him "thinking".

Hopeless Dork, he claims that the reason he kept the conversation going with her is that it felt good that someone would want to flirt with him. That's a statement I don't know how I feel about. On the one hand, I know my self-esteem certainly isn't the greatest, so I can understand enjoying a boost. But on the other hand, I'm also fiercely loyal. The few times anyone has ever approached me while I've been with my man, I've promptly told them I'm taken and to please go away.

To everyone who suggested it, I honestly don't know if I want to try contacting her, or recovering the email. I'm naturally curious about what went on in that conversation, but I just wouldn't know what to believe, and I'm worried that it might create more problems than provide answers.

I'm really hoping that the two of us can manage to work through this. I do still love him, and I believe him when he says that he doesn't want to lose me. I think I need to work up the courage to lay some things out for him so that he understands. I wish he would stop watching porn, and at least try to make some sort of an effort to make me the only woman he sees. I've tried to tell myself over and over that everyone says it's normal for men to still be attracted to other women, but it's honestly not helping my insecurity right now, and it's always hurt me. Until now I had been prepared to just deal with it as best I could, but I don't know if I can anymore.