Thread: What has become of me? Tell me your story to help inspire me.

I've been on this site a few times in the past. Once for advice on moving out and the next on what to do next. Well, it's been a year and I'm still "stuck" (of my own fault, surely). Talking about it helps. But I want to hear what others have done in situations like this. Here's my long (and missing so many things) story:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 ½ years now. In that 4 ½ years, my life has gone from 60 to 0. It’s hard for me to blame anyone but myself.

He still hasn’t had a job for those 4 ½ years (subtract the 2 months 2 years ago); he’s almost 24 and he still doesn’t have a GED; he is obsessed with sex; he is constantly upset (but he always has a “reason” why he can be upset and I shouldn’t fight back. “I’m out of cigarettes; I’m hungry; I haven’t had sex in a week; I slept late…”); he’s jealous (even though I have literally 0 friends outside my mother and my sister.).

For the first 9 months we were together, he had another girlfriend (a friend of mine). I was the secret: held to him by promises. I paid for his entire life until I stopped making money a year and a half ago. When my grandmother died, she left me $1,000. I was saving it to go to Europe. A few months later, he drove me to the electronics store and spend an hour in the car park explaining how much he needed a computer. “It’ll help me fill out applications” he said. “Plus, I’ll pay you back in 2 weeks.”

He never did.

He didn’t pay me back for the $250 worth of tattoos either. Or the thousands of dollars in food and cigarettes. Though, 2 Christmas’ ago, he did buy me a computer (which I didn’t ask for or need.) He used to call me at 3am so I could take him to get fast food. Otherwise, of course, he would starve.

In the beginning, I liked sex. It was new to me and, well, I had to prove myself above his girlfriend (who he claimed he didn’t have sex with or kiss once we started together). I stopped liking it because I stopped respecting him, I think. I stopped respecting sex. Now, I have sex as little as possible. I give in because he’ll yell at me until I do. And then I want to cry. Sometimes I do.

He didn’t want me to take classes at the school. But, then again, I was already nervous around new people anyway. He convinced me I didn’t want to go join clubs or do activities for school. When I did take classes at the school, he’d want to know how many boys I talked to and if I made any friends.

I made a friend once. She took me to lunch. He said she wasn’t a good friend for me because she was dating casually—therefore she was a . I didn’t see her again. Even though she called. I didn’t answer.

My best friend from before I had even met him stuck around for a long time. He was okay with her (he was even her first kiss) until she got a boyfriend whom, even though he set them up, he didn’t like. I wasn’t allowed to go see her if he was there. It was difficult because they lived together. To avoid the 8-hour fights over me going to see her, I just stopped answering her texts and calls.

I really wish I had a friend. I sit around all day in my house and watch tv and eat. Here's a stupid story: I want to go see this film "Apollo 18" and if I take him, I'll have to pay. I just want to see it by myself. But how will I explain the 2 hours I'm not attached to my phone? If he found out, he'd get sad and ask why I didn't invite him or want to share something like that with him. "We're supposed to be a couple."

About a week ago, he sat me down and told me he was going to begin GED classes in October and then transfer to college in January. He said that since he’s starting to do things for his life, he needs to know if he’s going at it single or with me. I’ve been in college for 5 semesters now (not including the 2 I dropped out of. 1 of those because he wanted to “run away with me.”) yet we have never discussed this before.
He doesn’t think my schooling is as important. Similarly, he said I can’t study abroad, live on campus, or go to school in the city I want to. But he’s going to live in a dorm (co-ed he warns) downtown.

He said we have 3 options: 1. Become “just friends.” 2. Break up (or “take a break” whatever that means) or 2. “Fix” the relationship. Oh! Or we have the option to have an “open relationship.”

When I asked him what is entailed in “fixing” the relationship, he said that our 1 and only problem is that I don’t want to have sex with him. His original solution? “You’re just going to have to make yourself want it.” Another solution is to move back in with him. Now, I moved out of our apartment a year ago because we were constantly fighting and he hadn't showed effort to get a job. He tell me that "This time will be different! Stop thinking about the last time (which lasted 1 1/2 years) and just try again! I won't want as much sex because you'll be living with me!" The other solution is to marry him. When he isn't hinting about sex, he's hinting about marriage. When I say "no I don't want to marry you now" he doesn't become understanding or even sad. He gets mad. Can someone really get bullied in to marriage???

Then my mother visited and I haven’t really seen him but 4 times in the past 2 weeks.
He came by yesterday (I gave him a key to my house when I went on vacation with my mother about three months ago, and now he uses it to let himself in uninvited) and made me go running with him. It was 50% sweet (“You’re going to be so proud of yourself! I know you can lose this weight!”) and 50% not (“Either run with me or have sex with me. If I’m going to suffer, so are you.”)

I don’t know what to do. Write him a letter? Wait until he gets mad and pray I remember all the reasons he makes me mad? For some reason, I completely shut down during a fight. He's telling me why everything is my fault and how I don't enjoy the things he enjoys and I don't want to do the thing that makes him happiest (sex) and how I moved out and ruined his life and I forget why I even have a right to be mad. I am convinced, about 75% of the time, that I'm overreacting and if I was just a better girlfriend, he'd be more successful and less angry. Even now, I'm thinking that I must have over-exaggerated these stories. I mean, he doesn't beat me or tell me I'm disgusting or anything...


Thanks for reading (I want to apologize for the length, but I'm too needy right now). Please ladies (and gentlemen) tell me what you have done; what you would do; or what someone you know has done. Yell at me if you want. I mean, we all know the answer, but for some reason I just "can't" do it.