I'm not satisfied in bed so I no longer want to have sex...

**colliflower** · 09-05-2011 12:00 PM

Hello, I'll try to be as concise about this as possible.

I've been best friends with this boy for over 7 years. We've had relationships with other people the whole time and us getting together was never something I wanted to happen. I have a lot of male friendships and have never wanted to be intimate with any.

Just last year his body started changing (since he started working out) and somewhat sparked my interest (I must admit, while drunk)... So once we had sex that one time it seemed ok to do it again and again. We were best friends and we trusted one another. As long as no one found out it wouldn't turn into a big deal.

Anyway, at the beginning it wasn't all that satisfying. Due to my previous relationship I knew what I liked and had had amazing mind blowing sex. So much so that it has been hard to replicate ever since. Normally I'd blow off guys left and right but I was a little more patient with this friend because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Slowly but surely I think we both started actually falling for one another. This is not exactly something I wanted to happen because although we get along great, he's just not my definition of I what I would want from a man I'm with. I feel a little shallow when I say this but physically he's just not the type of guy that would call my attention. I tend to like very masculine men, and well... he's just not.

Anyway, putting that aside I did keep liking him. Our sexcapades increased from something that happened once a week to almost every day. I've always had an immensely huge sex drive so it was no shock to me. The sex improved and then... well it has just plummeted to the ground.

It's been a year now it's safe to say we're in a relationship. We care deeply for one another and he and I help one another in every aspect of our lives. I've been living with him for a couple of months in a different city where everything is perfect and we can both honestly see ourselves together for the rest of our lives. Our personalities flow so well with one another, we're friends, we laugh. Never fight. It would be the perfect relationship...

Except: I'm not satisfied in bed. I think he finishes too fast and he says I want more than he can give. Constantly saying that I'm used to an unnatural level of performance that he thinks no one can give me (since we were friends he knows about my past sex live- my ex being able to last up to 2 hours sometimes).

See, his sex drive is no problem. We both want to have sex every day. The problem arises in how long he is willing to last. Lately it's been 15 to 20 minutes at most. I'm realistic and don't even expect something like an hour from him. But every time I get really into it he makes me stop saying that otherwise he'll finish right then and so we have to completely shift into another (really slow) rhythm to accommodate him. So basically out of those 15 minutes, I only really get to enjoy about 5 of it.

Another complain I've addressed is that I love to be submissive in sex. I want to be thrown around and a little manhandled without reservations and he just CAN'T do it. He says he's traumatized from past relationships where the girl rejects him and he doesn't want to experience that again. Not only that, but he likes the girl being in control. That's something I wasn't used to but I started doing in order to please him. But sometimes I just feel like I'm the one with the .. male membrane.

The problem is bad because now I no longer want to have sex with him as much. I'll make up excuses and just sort of blow him off because I'm always left frustrated. I don't even care about having an orgasm myself. I normally don't while sex unless I'm the one touching myself and what not, so that I don't care about. Some people might suggest to have him go down or finger me afterwards to make me feel like it's going on longer. But that doesn't work with me. I want sex.

I can't even bring it up without him getting offended. Believe me, I've tried to sugar coat it as much as I can when I address the subject but he always gets offended. He says that now that he knows that's a problem he seems to finish even faster than before because he's self conscious. He says that it's because he's so attracted to me and because I'm so good at what I do that he's not able to hold back. I mean... What am I supposed to do? Become less attractive and suck in bed?

Other people I've been with are able to get an erection a few minutes after whereas for some reason he isn't able to. I mean.. I don't know... Am I the one being too demanding? Should I be happy with a 15 minute sex session although my body craves for more? Sometimes I tell him we're just not that sexually compatible. Problem is also since I'm extremely sexual I've always thought it is very necessary for a relationship to flourish. Some people claim that's shallow because in the long run, sex doesn't even matter. But I feel like to me it will. It always has so I don't see that changing any time soon.

I'm embarrassed to ask anyone about this since I don't want to put our sex lives out in the open so I ask you guys what you think. What should I do? I feel like by talking about it I'm trying to do my best to improve it but it hasn't really done anything in the last several months. He's obviously hurt by the implications on his sexual abilities so I don't want to keep hurting him. He also mentioned yesterday that if I lower my expectations maybe then I'll be satisfied... but... um, that's just out of my control.

Either way, thanks for reading. I hope I didn't bore you guys.

**jns** · 09-05-2011 01:02 PM

This sounds like he is out of his depth to a degree in your want for sex.

If he is staying hard until he orgasms, try stretching things out by lessening the amount of stimulation he gets. If visual stimulation turns him on to a high degree, have sex in low light unless it interferes with your stimulation. Try using a condom or two to lessen physical stimulation. Try using more lubrication. Be careful, don't go overboard on any one of these.

Is he physically fit enough for a two hour session or are you going to do most of the work at times during such a marathon?

Try to find other ways you get excited to put more variety in your love making. This will give him something to do while waiting to get hard again.

**Elanor-Jane** · 09-05-2011 09:49 PM

I know how u feel to an extent. I want good peratration that lasts long enough for him or me to stimulate the outside at the same time and I would be frustrated also if I were you.

The only thing that will fix this is conversation and if he is going to use his insecurities as a cop out then you will both stay miserable. I'd cut him off until he wants to have an actual discussion. Alot of the time men assume it's not a need we have like them but it is. Fact of the matter is, he's getting his but u arnt getting yours. Not fair. Tell him if he can't talk about it it's going to kill the relationship and see if he sparks up.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-06-2011 07:14 AM

Several things I see here. You care about this dude alot, but you're not in love with him. You know this, right? Also, sexually incompatible. He's not sexually satisfying you, but there are ways for him to enhance his stamina. But even if he does, is it going to change the fact that you're truly not sexually attracted to him? No.. not likely.

**colliflower** · 09-06-2011 08:33 AM

Originally Posted by jns

try stretching things out by lessening the amount of stimulation he gets... Try to find other ways you get excited to put more variety in your love making. This will give him something to do while waiting to get hard again.

While this is good advice I have tried several of the options mentioned to no avail. If I lessen his stimulation then I am lessening it for myself as well. Which in turn also leaves me unsatisfied

The condom idea is something I should definitely look into but based on previous experiences the condom prevented them from finishing, but also from staying hard.

And yes, at times he does manage to get an erection afterwards but it lasts barely a minute before it gives out. It's not for his lack of wanting to. I'm sure of that....

(Also we are both physically fit enough where stamina shouldn't be any problem...)

**colliflower** · 09-06-2011 08:47 AM

Originally Posted by Elanor-Jane

I'd cut him off until he wants to have an actual discussion... Tell him if he can't talk about it it's going to kill the relationship

Well I have cut him off and we have discussed it about three times already in the past couple of months. The main problem is that we reach no conclusion. He claims he can't control it and last longer and that everything he reads online says that the average male "lasting" time is 7 minutes.

Also, in the past, I've had other guy and girl friends tell me my expectations might be a bit too high when I mention what I want as a sex life. Because of this, I feel like I also might be wrong for wanting too much? Then I end up feeling guilty and not knowing who's right or wrong...

Another thing I feel bad about is that he gives me everything and more I could ever ask for. I'm in a bit of a tough situation right now and he goes above and beyond with what he gives me, the places he takes me, and how much he has been helping me out.

I don't want to seem ungrateful and disregard everything else and focus on this problem solely...

**colliflower** · 09-06-2011 08:54 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

You care about this dude alot, but you're not in love with him.

Yes. I knew this back then. I knew I loved him as a friend and not sexually but as time progressed things started getting a bit hazy.

I've had conversations with other people about this and they seem to think I put too much emphasis on sexual attraction. That's how I started opening up to the idea of giving it a chance.

My ex boyfriend and I had incredible sexual chemistry but at the end of the day that was the main thing keeping us together. Here, I find the complete opposite. Everything else is basically perfect. We are compatible in every aspect of our lives, ideas, morals... except sexually.

Should I give all that up based on the fact that I can't replicate the amazing sex life I once had? In the past, I wouldn't even think twice about it. Sex was my priority and I would stick to it... but now, I got myself into this mess and second guessing myself...

**colliflower** · 09-06-2011 08:58 AM

And thank you guys for taking the time to read all of that. I know it might have been a bit too long... So thanks for your time

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-06-2011 09:09 AM

Are you in love with this man? Ask yourself that honestly.

I don't think you're too hung up on sex. I think you're hung up on comparing him to what you've had in the past, which is really irrelevant, because those relationships are a part of the past.

I think the point is, even if he lasted longer and you potentially had an orgasm (there's still no gaurantee...), it's not going to change the fact that you're not truly sexually/physically attracted to him. In other words, are you putting all your focus on repairing the fuel pump even though the engine is broken?

**keyboardtapper** · 10-30-2011 06:15 AM

Have you discussed the possibilty of having sex with other people but still maintaining your friendship? It sounds to me like you have become involved with him realtionship wise when you were at a low eb (and drunk) and have carried on with him so it doesn't hurt his feelings. In the long run, it may ruin your freindship if you carry on with him sexually: you will feel resentful (if you don't already) and he will feel sexually inadequate it may affect his overall confidence. You both sound like nice people who get on, so perhaps you should find other sexual partners? At the end of the day, he cannot make you happy in a way you need to be (sexually). IMO, it's no good people saying sex is not important as to you it is very important indeed. In turn, you cannot make him happy because you cannot feel that special thing for him that someone else could. Not sure if I'm making sense, I just hope you both work it out. Good luck.