Thread: When your healthy relationship turns into something else.

The following post may be triggering, so don't read it if it disturbs you.

For 11 months, I thought my boyfriend was the right person for me. My past relationships involved forced sex, put-downs (you're stupid, nobody likes you), and being pressured to obey my toxic parents' rules. While on those dating sites, I kept running into men that wanted casual sex. When I met my boyfriend, he wanted something serious. He patiently waited and didn't force me to have sex. He praised me and told me he was proud of me of what I overcame. He was validating and supportive when I told him about my family. He said it was good that I lived away from my family, whereas my ex boyfriends pressured me to do as my parents said. My boyfriend didn't make me feel like a bad person or a for having been sexually abused.

I move in with my boyfriend a month ago and BAM! All of these controlling and intrusive behaviors surface. He doesn't want me to be on facebook or post on these forums. He wants me to delete people off of facebook. He pressuring me to not be a part of online sexual abuse groups. Talking to other sexual abuse survivors is important to me. Why can't he respect me what I value? He says that facebook and sexual abuse groups make me too depressed. Huh? Who is he to know how I feel? When I tell him that I don't feel depressed, he says "You don't even realize that you act like a zombie." It's bizarre for someone to act as if they know everything that's going on in your head.

He has also said I act dumb, retarded and stupid. His justification is, "I'm not name-callng you. I'm just calling your actions dumb." What's the difference? I've told him that he can use a different word and react differently. He doesn't want to. He says that my depression has ruined the whole relationship, but he doesn't realize that his reactions are discouraging. He tells me to snap out of my flashbacks and panic attacks. If I'm sitting quietly, he will ask "What are you obsessing about now? Get rid of it! Come on." I have told him that humans will get upset. The emotions come and go. Who cares? It seems like he has to control my depression and PTSD to make sure that nothing negative comes in my head.

I have confronted him on all of these behaviors and have repeatedly told him that these are my limits. He doesn't listen and wants his way. He thinks I'm imagining things and that I'm brainwashed by others. He tells me to take a long look in the mirror when I tell him that his behavior is bothering me. I'm willing to accept my flaws, but can he do the same? Why is it always about me? Why can't he take responsibility for some of his actions?

Trust me, it's exhausting to keep fighting for your own voice. How hard is it to not use the words "dumb and retarded?" How hard is it to just give me my own space? How hard is it to just let me do what makes me happy, even though he disagrees with it? It's not the end of the world if I'm on facebook posting in a sexual abuse survivor group. I've felt that other sexual abuse survivors are more like a family to me than my own blood. Why is that so hard to understand?

He tells me that I'm looking for imaginary red flags. That I'm making things up. That I'm misinterpreting things. That I'm being branwashed by others. I've told him that these are my genuine feelings and this is what I want. Again, he's not listening. He's convinced that my friends and my family are talking about him, when that's not the case.


I'm aware that he isn't as bad as my exes. He does have a lot of good qualities, but these behaviors are concerning me. I can't live with this. If a man can't respect my needs, what's the point? I've lived most of my life molding myself into what other people want. I just want to be myself for once.

Last night, he was being very sweet and said we could both work on making the relationship happy and healthy. He claims that he is giving me my own space and he does respect me. But, his past actions have proven something else. I'm staying at my friend's apartment for a week, and he tried to stop me from going. I told him, "you're being pushy again. I'm going because it's what's best for me."

I'm looking for my own place, but he is also trying to stop me. It has come to the point where I have to do it behind his back. How sad is that? I think being single again is a great opportunity to work on myself and to stop attracting controlling people.

Another weird thing is he is texting me to see if my friend is saying bad things about him. If he's so worried about others saying bad things about him, it makes me wonder if he knows what he's doing.

This man has issues. I'm glad I moved in to see it! If I would have married this man without moving in, I would have been screwed.