please help. he doesn't want kids

**kina033** · 09-14-2011 03:21 PM

my boyfriend and i have been together for just 8 months, however, our friendship and love life is the most magnetic loving understanding and real relationship i have ever been in. He has opened up parts of me that i wasnt able to admit to myself and shown me more of me than i knew. i am so in love it tends to be more like a high than anything else and im still not sure ive convinced myself that this is real. every aspect of our relationship is amazing, my family loves him, we talk about everything we are best friends, we acknowledge our faults and mistakes and love each other more every day.

i am 22 and he is 30 he was married for 8 years and now has 2 young boys. after living in the same city for about 5 months he moved away to be with his kids after his ex moved them home. he now has asked me to move 1000 miles away to be with him in a few months. the plan has been set, i would be in school and have my own apartment out there.

all of a sudden the weight of it all came down on him pretty hard, having had such a huge life change and supporting 2 boys while also going back to school again himself, he got a little freaked out by the move and brought up a conversation we have had in the past.

he said he doesnt think he will ever want anymore kids, in the past 8 months he has said he liked the idea of having one more with me in the future and building that life with me but now is back to not knowing that he wants anymore. i am about 50-50 on the subject, i like the idea of being a little selfish with my money and just going through life enjoying each other and our little luxuries, but i also like the idea of being a new mom and experiencing that excitement with him, in the far future. but my #1 thing is i want that option, i want that open mindedness to be able to make that decision in the future.

we both have about 4 more years of school, him in grad school and me in undergrad so it wouldnt be for at least 5 years before we were financially and physically able.

at this point we are both hurting a lot trying to figure out what the answer is, loving each other with all we have but knowing this might be the reason we dont work. should i give up the one constant in my life the one person that means everything to me, or should i take that risk, enjoy everyday and know that the possibility is out there that it could hurt more later if he or i dont change our mind?

and how do i (such an emotionally based girl) go to such a logic based man and express my reasoning?

please help.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-14-2011 03:55 PM

First, you have to decide if he does indeed feel that he truly does NOT want anymore kids, is this a dealbreaker?

Then it's important to in a calm manner discuss this with him. No ultimatums or anything like that, but just a simple "This has really been bothering me. I'm not asking you to have babies with me right now. But I'm incredibly in love with you and I can see the possibility in the future, when the boys get bigger, that I'd love to have a baby with you. I know that right now with the boys young and you going through this move and all it's hard to ever imagine being at that place, but I don't want you to make a lifelong decision based on where you are currently in your life. I just need to know if the option is there with you or if you've made up your mind that it will never be."

That's it. No crying, no rambling, no bringing up other stuff, just that...plain and simple. Then see what he says. If he says "No, no more kids, ever, period." and you've decided it's a dealbreaker, then you have only one choice. If he says "it's possible down the road..." then you know that with time and your relationship growing, if things turn out just right, it may be a possibility. If you're making a huge emotional deal of this right now (not saying you are...) then with all the other stress and pressure in his life right now, this is probably just adding to that. It's important to know where he truly stands on this.

**kina033** · 09-14-2011 04:26 PM

i hear you, we have had a few talks about this, some more emotional than others and he had come to the conclusion that not being with me would be better for me in the future, but quickly changed his mind. he says he doesn't ever see it happening, and the words that he uses are pretty definitive, however with him having already changed his mind within 8 months and also hearing a hint of insecurity on the subject i personally see this as being more of a situational insecurity. also he may be taking on the task of protecting me when i would like to make my own decision on this. i just dont know if i make the jump and take the risk if its worth it one day to find out he was not insecure and he still doesnt want them, on the other hand he may change his mind and i might have to see him with someone else fulfilling everything i wanted with him and be broken. advice? perspective?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-14-2011 06:28 PM

The way I see things, if he tells you "I do not want anymore kids. If that's important to you, you need to know that it's not going to happen with me", then you move on with your life and he meets someone else and wants to have kids with them....then what does that tell you? That she's better than you? NO... that you two weren't right for each other, weren't meant to be.

It's easy for someone to say "just go with the flow and see what happens". But that's a bit harder when you're getting ready to uproot your life to be with this person. Here's the thing though, you'll start a new life there, you'll meet people and have experiences you never would've met otherwise, and I highly doubt you'll ever regret the experience you'll gain from making this move, whether you're with him long term or not.

The question is, is it a deal breaker? You have to move forward with someone based on who they are, not what you hope they'll become. I broke up with someone I loved dearly, because he was so unwilling to compromise with me. He decided where he wanted to live, (not just the city, the road, the piece of land), and it conveniently adjoined his parents, and even though I was going to be the main breadwinner, and there were NO jobs in the area to pay me anywhere near what I was qualified for, he was NOT willing to even move somewhere in between my job and his (which would've literally been half an hour from where he wanted to live). He just wasn't willing. His lack of willingness to compromise, to see me happy, is what caused me to leave that relationship. He too, was older than me.

My thoughts.... go. Make the move just like you planned, start a new life for yourself in your new town. And if things with him progress and work, great. If they don't, what have you lost? You'll figure out sooner or later what you're really dealing with here. And if you reach the point you realize "This is not going to happen. He's never going to want kids", and that's a dealbreaker for you, don't fool yourself into believing he may change.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-14-2011 08:16 PM

I agree with BD.

I was thinking though also, perhaps how long he has been out of his marriage, the known stress of raising two boys as well as school at 30, in other words in the "now"...

I knew I was with the right person this time around for instance, after a few dates really...It's been nearly 2 years together now and we are engaged and live together...

I think at 22 years of age, and at 8 months only into a relationship, you should give the relationship everything as you are, and hold off on that topic until you've reached 2 years into that relationship.

Focusing on your goals, dreams, schooling, love for each other, happiness, laughter etc, will build the bond stronger and stronger and at that point, the question should be re-cerficed because at that point you both are half way through your goals, dreams, you have had 16 months being very close, happy, just working on the two of you and the boys, just being and you will know if you both can and want to live together for the rest of your lives.

Your heart would break either of you, tomorrow if you left today, as much as it will later...

I know that fear steps in with regards to the longer you stay together the more it will hurt but I'm saying it will hurt anyway, full stop..

If we keep going over and re-hashing things then it breaks the "good feelings" which could have otherwise lead to yeah actually I do want a child with you, because your relationship is solid as a rock and a happy one.

Just something to think about I guess.

**kygirl** · 09-16-2011 08:20 AM

I agree with BD and CW. You've got to sit down and decide what's important to you. I understand being on the fence and I TOTALLY agree that sometimes it is more about having the option and being able to discuss it with the person that you love instead of just knowing it's a flat "no."

On the other hand, he's been through a lot in his life it sounds like, and he may still not even know 100% how he feels about the subject. 1,000 miles is a big move for someone if there is something that can be a dealbreaker. Only you can decide exactly how important that it is to you, and unfortunately, you have to make that decision rationally based on what you know right now. The only thing I can say for sure is that at 22, or ever in my opinion, you don't want to start sacrificing your dreams and things in life that mean something to you. There are many important things that have to be figured out, and maybe you both are not in a good place to make those kinds of decisions at the moment.

Good luck in your decision!

**Questions121** · 10-01-2011 01:01 AM

Heres some advice I understand you want kids in the future but I would wait until your done with school so you would have more free time if you do have a baby but maybehes nervous for another child id give him a break wait a little bit then ask then see if hes ready!

**jns** · 10-01-2011 09:10 AM

At 22, you are a bit young to make such a decision. Move and be with him during going to school. It is a better time to decide about having a family and children when you both have completed your education. Then you will be ready to have a baby right away if that is the decision.

**katherine.g.patterson** · 01-22-2012 08:21 AM

I know this is an old post, but I hope you are still checking replies. You are still 22. I think you will meet other men. If having children is what you want, move on. You can have children until you are in your late thirties, I know, maybe you don't want to wait that long, but really, with this man you may have to wait your whole life.