Boyfriend scared because of previous relationship.

**1silinde** · 09-16-2011 01:07 AM

New to the site.
I am just going crazy because I am in love. I have been seeing the most perfect man for me for almost a year now. We share a lot of the same values and have worked together in communicating what we want out the relationship and how quickly or slowly we want to take things from the start. We have both been hurt before, and I have been married.
And that is where things get complicated.
On our first date, I told him that I was still legally married (though my ex and I had not been together for about 4 years) but that I was on pretty good terms with my ex and that the divorce would go through when he got his act together with paperwork.
A couple months passed and he revealed to me that, though he liked me a lot, he was not ready to committ to a relationship and call me his girlfriend because of how terribly he had been hurt in his previous relationship. Come to find out, she had been still legally married and kept saying that the divorce was in process and it would be done eventually. You see where this is going, maybe....
She left him, suddenly, and reconciled with her ex-hunsband. It left him devastated and after a few months of depression, he saw a doctor and was prescribed prozac.
Well, the breakup was a year before I met him and he got on the meds about 6 months before I met him.
We started dating, and took things slowly as I had also been hurt very deeply in the relationship I had previously been involved in (not my marriage, mind you).

Time wore on, I put the pressure on my ex to get our divorce paperwork right and our divorce finalized because it was negatively affecting my relationship. After we had been dating for about 5 months, the divorce was finalized. We slept together for the first time about a month after that. All the while, I was falling deeply in love with this man, though I didnt' realize it at first. I trust him with my emotions.

About 2 1/2 months after the divorce, when he had not asked me to be his girlfriend, i initiated a conversation on the topic. I told him that I was frustrated. Not angry, but impatient... pointing out that it had been close to a year since we started dating and I still could not call him my boyfriend when introducing him. The conversation went well and I gave him time to think. After a couple weeks, we saw each other again and he sweetly said that he felt terrible for making me miserable... which I pointed out was not so... and that he would like to be my boyfriend.

We have had sex twice since then and he has issues with sexual arousal due to his SSRI. It's difficult to manage, but being the victim of sexual trauma, I am patient and empathetic and I don't want to rush anything or pressure him. That won't help anything!

But I am madly in love with him and I want him in my future. I am 27 and I want to settle down and have a family in the next few years. I see him as a potential mate because of his sincerity, honesty, respect, and affection.

However, he is afraid of being loved and loving because of the heartbreak of his previous relationship.

I guess my point is... how do I tell him that I love him without putting him on the spot or putting expectations on him? I feel like I am going to explode because I love him so much but I'm afraid to say it.

**Claret** · 09-16-2011 06:45 AM

But what does he really want?

**1silinde** · 09-16-2011 09:01 AM

I don't quite understand what that is supposed to mean. In my post, I said that we have been very good about communicating what we want from the relationship and how quickly or slowly we want to take things. Communication is key.

I know that he would like to find someone to spend his future with. I know that he thinks about having children someday. I know that he wants to be with someone who is genuine and I know that he is almost as much of a feminist as I am. I know that he likes that I challenge him and we have interesting conversations.

**Claret** · 09-16-2011 12:02 PM

You have stated everything that you want.

"But I am madly in love with him and I want him in my future. I am 27 and I want to settle down and have a family in the next few years. I see him as a potential mate because of his sincerity, honesty, respect, and affection. "

But what does he really want?

"However, he is afraid of being loved and loving because of the heartbreak of his previous relationship."

Men are not so different from women. I don't think anyone is truly afraid of being loved or loving, they just may not be able to express what they need and what they want. How certain are you that you want the same things at the same time? When does he want to settle down? When does he want children?

"I guess my point is... how do I tell him that I love him without putting him on the spot or putting expectations on him? I feel like I am going to explode because I love him so much but I'm afraid to say it."

I'm not certain that if you told him how much you loved him that he wouldn't be put on the spot or of having expectations placed on him. This is a two-way conversation in which your expectations would probably be that he says he loves you too. If he's not ready for it, it could leave a big gap in the conversation and a silence that might be hard to fill.

So, my question of what does he really want, still stands.

**1silinde** · 09-16-2011 12:12 PM

Actually, yes, I believe that some people are afraid of loving others because that opens you up and makes you vulnerable to potential heartbreak. Love and loss are eternally bound. There is no love without loss, whether it's loss because of a break up, death, or emotional distance and stagnation within the relationship.

I know that he is afraid to love because he has told me. He is not certain that he is ready to open himself up to that sort of intimacy again because the last time it resulted in him being shocked and devastated and eventually going on an antidepressant.

I know that he is looking for someone to share his life with and that he wants to settle down in the forseeable future. He is 35. And as for knowing when you want to have children, that is a very complex issue that involves not only being in a mature relationship but also being financially stable and ready to bring a child into this world and provide for it emotionally, financially, and physically and we both agree on these points. I was a street fundraiser for Planned Parenthood when I met him... and that is how I met him and we share a lot of the same ideals about family, children, and childbearing.

**Claret** · 09-16-2011 02:39 PM

So then, if you know all this, know how he is feeling and thinking, why would you then need to put additional pressure on him by having him declare you his "girlfriend"? Why would you ask that he put the label on something that you say is there already? I'd give the guy the space he says he requires. Give him time, give him love, give him respect, honour and belief and just wait. It may be difficult buy it may prove to be the stance you need to take until he is ready.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-16-2011 03:42 PM

I have to agree with Claret's last statement totally.

When a person falls in love, fear comes into play, you dont' want to get your heart broken but that's always a risk you take, took by continuing in a relationship that you know had baggage before you entered it.

Too many people want answers today that ultimately may not come until tomorrow...Just be...and enjoy your relationship, 1 year is not a long time - and if you do end up saying "I love you" at some point, don't expect it back, or look for it back in fact I would be stating that, you say it because you mean it, you want to say it....

Claret's last two sentences of patience and just being is how you work and build on a relationship of togetherness with less fear .

**1silinde** · 09-16-2011 06:14 PM

Actually, I did not put pressure on him to call me his girlfriend without reason. He told me that it would likely be neccesary that I push him a little or things would take much longer than they should.

What bothers me about these replies is that people seem to think I have acted needy or pushy. I have indeed shown kindness, respect, and love with my actions. I happily gave him the space that he asked for when he asked for it, and I have been there for him when he wanted that as well.

I had a conversation with him about being his girlfriend because it was starting to hurt me after 9 months and I think it's important to communicate to someone what you want and need from a relationship rather than to go down a path that leaves you less than satisfied.

And he happily told me that he wanted to be my boyfriend after that conversation.

He does not ask for space so much as patience. And I have given him that, most certainly. And I will continue to be patient. But I also see the value in letting others know how you feel.

As stated in the original post, I want to tell him that I love him without putting any expectations on him to say it back. I just want him to know. Because life is short and you should tell people that you love them, regardless of the consequences.

I think that this issue could be too complex to successfully communicate via message boards and I have benefited the most from talking to my nearest and dearest friends about it who understand more about the beautiful dynamic of this relationship.

**1silinde** · 09-16-2011 06:24 PM

Specifically, what I mean by saying that I didn't put pressure on him to call me his girlfriend is that when I initiated that conversation, I clearly told him that I needed to communicate how I felt and that I did not expect an answer immediately, nor would we be over if he wasn't ready. I simply needed to get that off my chest. I do not think it's healthy to bottle things up at all. I have done this in the past, to my undoing.

The same goes with telling him that I love him. I want to tell him because I want him to know, not because I expect him to be ready to say it back. And that is what makes this situation so scary to me. But I feel that I do myself a disservice by not telling him. If something were to happen to me, I would want him to know how much I cared for him, without a doubt. And I will tell him again that we are not over if he can't say "I love you" in return. That is simply selfish.

**Mes T** · 09-16-2011 06:43 PM

1silinde, please forgive us if we've misinterpreted your words or don't have the clearest picture of your situation. Communicating online can be tough sometimes for sure.

But rest assured that everyone who responds here only wants to help, and it's likely many of us are responding because we can also relate to what you're going through.

I like the responses to this thread but I sort of hold a different view. I think it can potentially be quite a painful and time-wasting experience to wait for someone to "heal" from their past enough to give us the love we need in the present. My current boyfriend was also burned by his ex, and for about the first year of our relationship I had to suffer because of it. In the end I stayed with him, and things definitely improved, but to be honest if I could go back and make a different decision... maybe I would.

There's no reason for you to have to work so dang hard just because this guy can't move on and realize the value of what he has right in front of you. So my question is, have you considered leaving this relationship and looking for someone with less emotional baggage?

As for your original question, I'm not sure if there really is a way to say "I love you" to a guy in his position without making things a little bit difficult. If it's any consolation, it's likely that he already knows. He might not necessarily need the words spoken aloud on top of it. I think you've got a bit of a romantic notion toward that particular phrase, and I'm not sure if your boyfriend is in the same place. Words are funny things - they have an odd power to change things, even if you're speaking only to acknowledge something that's already in existence.

However, who knows, he might be really receptive to saying "I love you" if he took the whole "girlfriend" conversation so well.