Why do I always want to back out?

**hpex** · 09-20-2011 02:39 PM

Back story: I'm 19 and have only had one real relationship before my current one. The last one lasted a year and was with a guy I was head-over-heels for, years before we even dated. When he started to return the feelings, I lost all my attraction and had to tell him I needed space, but eventually the feelings returned just as strong and never left after that.

This is happening with this new guy. Everyone I know likes him and thinks he's a gem. We have a lot in common and he's genuine and treats me exactly how I want a guy to. But now that he is reciprocating the interest, the withdrawal feelings are here big time. (I don't think it's because I like the chase) Based on my last relationship, I want to brush them off and wait till they're over, but I'm afraid with my inexperience that they are not linked and that I may be stringing this guy on. It's possible that everything's there except the attraction, which is the most important.

(To add to the back story: my last bf broke up with me but strung me on 6 months after our relationship and then found someone else and really hurt me. Not long after these news, I felt like I was totally not attracted to him based on his behavior and didn't think my current bf was rebound. Thing is, the ex broke the news to me a month ago and I don't know if these withdrawals are because new-guy really is subconsciously rebound.)

Any insight from experience? Too soon to date or can any of you relate to the withdrawal feelings/find them normal?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-20-2011 03:30 PM

So your ex strung you along for six months, then a month ago told you he found someone else, and you since, have entered into a relationship approximately 3 weeks ago? And are not sure if you are attracted to this guy?

Your heart hasn't left the ex yet, although it should have, given he didnt care rather used you until he found someone else.

I take it this guy isn't like that, he actually likes you for you? Give him a chance...It takes time for a heart to heal but it also takes a great guy to work with that and form a proper relationship...

**seansylva2000** · 09-21-2011 09:20 AM

Please give yourself time with this new guy and completely let go of your ex cos it seems you've not let go.What other proof do you need to know he has moved on?Although, it might not be easy but you just have to concentrate on your new relationship now and do your part to make it work.

**hpex** · 09-21-2011 11:57 PM

Originally Posted by seansylva2000

Please give yourself time with this new guy and completely let go of your ex cos it seems you've not let go.What other proof do you need to know he has moved on?Although, it might not be easy but you just have to concentrate on your new relationship now and do your part to make it work.

I appreciate the feedback. I talked to my ex yesterday and told him I needed him to admit somethings and apologize for us to be friends again, which he wanted. He agreed and wants to start doing somethings that we used to do (we are both musicians and gamers). I thought about it and realized that, while the rest of me wants to be cold to him, the part of me that wants to do those things is the same part that was hopeful for getting back together while he strung me along. So, clearly the old longing that I had is still here somewhere. If I let my guard down, I think I could start to obsess over him again.

With that said, I don't want to torture myself over my ex, but I don't want to damage someone else if my heart's not in it. Is it really healthy to use someone to get over someone else? I would think it's sick, but everyone seems to think it's the cure.

I know this forum topic is evolving, but to address my initial concern, the attraction with this guy has gone from intense to a zero.... uh-oh. I want to be truthful with him, but I'm afraid it will end up a mistake. How can I say I want a "break" without really hurting him? Is a break a good idea? If you count the realization I've had over not being over my ex, what do I do in all of this??

**jns** · 09-26-2011 09:14 PM

It sounds like you may be afraid of commitment or loss of freedom. Or maybe internally you don't really think you are good enough for the relationships.

**ordun'girl** · 09-27-2011 09:50 AM

i understand how u feel cos ive been there before. the truth is, u cant eat ur cake and still have it. u cant keep in touch with ur ex when u are obviously still in love with him and at the same time, be in another relationship, cos before u know it, u will get ur heart broken all over again and also hurt ur new boyfriend. my advice is that u should let go of ur ex completely and focus on ur new guy cos he deserve u more or u let go of ur ex and the new guy and give urself time to heal and get completely over ur ex.