Thread: Boyfriend lied about his gay past

Hey,

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and 4 months. I'm 27, he's 26.

When we first started dating, he told me he was confused about his sexuality when he was younger, I never thought anything more of it. We went on holiday together after 2 months where he told me that he seen a guy for roughly 6 months, but to him it was nothing more than a friendship, again I thought fair enough and that was that. We fell deeply for each other and are each others best friends. On so many countless occasions we have discussed how amazing we are together, our future etc, and so many times we have picked up on the fact that this was so unique to the both of us - it was both out first relationships, first loves etc...everything was so perfect. When we returned from the holiday, we instantly looked to rent a flat together. A week before we were due to move in, we were drinking and I asked him something about his past, and he came out with the fact that actually it was a 3 year relationship...again, he just seen it as a friendship! The next day I got really upset, mainly at the fact he lied to me about it all, but then I know it must be so hard to tell someone that. We talked on the phone that night about it all, and he tripped himself up and it ended up coming out that they spent 2 holidays abroad together (big holidays to America both times). These holidays, he had told me before that he was there with a friend from uni (he actually showed me photos from one of the holidays and told me how amazing it was before that too!)

We met up the day after and talked things through. I made it very clear to him that I had no issue with his past (although it was of course hard to get my head around) but, due to issues I've had in my past, 100% truth and honesty is a must, so I asked, actually pleaded, for him to tell me everything then. I asked him if there were any other holidays like in the UK etc, he said it was just the 2 to the US, if it was sexual in anyway - he said the guy performed sexual acts on him, but in the 3 years, this would have happened only every few months - in fact, that's why he split it up in the end because he didn't particularly enjoy the sexual element with a guy. I also found out that he was a virgin when in fact, when we first met, he told me he had been with a girl before. He told me again he was just confused, he let the relationship go on too long, they never celebrated anniversaries, gave birthday/christmas presents or said they loved each other. He also came out with random things that they didn't do together that I never asked him about in the first place, like he never seen his friends, only seen each other every couple of weeks, never seen his family etc, The only reason they lasted so long was because they got on so well together.

Over the past year, we have had fights about this as things weren't adding up. This has been killing me and is pretty much constantly on my mind, purely just the fact that he's lied so much to me, and I had the gut feeling he was still lying. 2 months ago, I turned round to him and had to say that there are too many things and I feel like I'd be living my life always wondering what the truth was. He eventually told me that there were trips to London and Glasgow specifically to gay clubs, he was also sexual towards his boyf, met his friends a lot etc, they once celebrated New Year in a £300 a night hotel the guy took him to, romantic! So I was like ok, sounds like you guys must have been in love and done the usual presents etc thing that couples do? Yet again, he swore 100% to me that was not the case. Now after dragging it out of him, I find out they were in love, the relationship was actually 3 years 8 months, they did get each other gifts at occasions (although he 'can't remember' them - this was only 2 years ago, of course he does, so now I'm freaking out about what he's hiding now). basically it was a full blown 4 year relationship with a man, where my boyfriend was out as a fully gay man to everyone bar his parents. It worries me that when he was confused with his sexuality, he chose men first.

Apart from being extremely, extremely hurt at the constant lies, I am now a jealous person with him as I was made to believe that everything we shared was special and unique to us, and now it isn't. He is now at the stage that he refuses to talk about anything regarding his past, so I am unable to ask him anything to try and get my head around it. I am totally 100% fine with him being bisexual and realise this is something he is still coming to terms with, I'm just so so hurt that he repeatedly lied to me despite me saying that I needed the truth from him so many times. His ability to constantly lie despite knowing it hurts me, worries me as I know I'll never know the full truth. I love him, I 100% trust him in his feelings for our relationship, I'm just not sure I can forgive any more.

I'd like to know if people think his actions were forgiveable? We did have an amazing relationship, should I just try to suck it up and get over the fact he's been in love and done all the usual romantic things before? I hate the thought of it, but that's more because I was led to believe he never had that kind of past.

He tells me that he still has an attraction to men and that he realises he's bisexual now, but he didn't enjoy the sexual element of his previous relationship and if we were ever to split up, he'd only go after girls. But now I'm not even 100% sure that he broke up with his ex...as there has just been so many lies. He started going on online dating sites for girls a month after they split up, which after a 4 year relationship, I think is very quick. If he didn't enjoy the sexual element, why would he want to go round to his house, go on holiday with him when he knew the situations arise?

On a side part, I have noticed that it is only with direct sexual contact that he gets aroused - seeing me naked or dressed up, or him sexually fooling with me does not make him physically aroused...even if I start on him, he'd lose it if the scenario changes....it's only when I touch him does he become aroused....is that normal or should I worry about that? He's not much of a sexual person in nature like a lot of men and I'm not used to that, so have been losing a lot of confidence in that way too. Because of this, I am unsure why he'd split up with a man with the main reason being because he didn't enjoy the sexual element of the relationship, when I know that he's not too fussed about the sexual element of any relationship anyway!

I am a complete over analyser and have been over thinking things for far too long which has resulted in the last 2 months being a complete nightmare for the both of us. He's staying at his parents house just now to give me some time to think. It's been left that, I need to either go back to him saying I am 100% confident that I am over this and we can draw a line under it all, not ask him any more questions about his past and we can fully move on and look to our future. Either that or I need to properly split with him - which would be heartbreaking as we really are amazing together and everyone sees us as the golden couple, he's a great guy, he's romantic and tells me he loves me all the time, he'd never cheat one me, our families love each other, everything but this is perfect...but he's a complete idiot at the same time for lying so much!!! I genuinely love him a lot, I'm just worried that he's hurt me too much and because of that, we'll never be able to get 'us' back.

Sorry for such a long essay, I've kept this all to myself for far too long.

Anyone's advice would be much appreciated!! Thanks so much