What to do?

**WYLTK1** · 09-28-2011 01:45 PM

Hi all,

I've been seeing a man about 20 years older than myself for about 6 months. We're both very busy and consequently only see each other on weekends. I'll preface the rest of this post by saying he is divorced and seems to be trying to "heal" from it.The first three months of our seeing each other went by and exclusivity was never brought up until I brought it up. After 2-3 days of "discussion", basically him wavering and being reluctant on the issue and me being frustrated by his reluctance he agreed to being exclusive. Three months after that, somehow, we get into a discussion of "what are we?" And he explains that we are not bf/gf but moving in that direction. Wtf? I am annoyed because I took exclusivity to mean datin. Apparently presumptuous on my part. I feel like I'm forcing a relationship. I'm slightly hurt that after 6 months he doesn't want to call me his gf. I often spend weekends at his house, rarely my idea, more so his. We are affectionate with one another and have met each other's friends but we have not had sex (that's another frustration of mine!). I don't know if I should have patience or walk. Is this normal for a divorced man? He was separated for about 3 years but the divorced was finalized last winter. However, all the while he dated 4 other women before me so I don't think I'm a rebound; necessarily. He recently met with his ex to lay things to rest since they hadn't spoken since the separation. Thoughts? I apologize if this doesn't make sense, I fear my frustration is coming out in my typing. Feel free to ask questions!

**KMonte85** · 09-28-2011 02:07 PM

Well, I'd say your next steps should depend entirely on your expectations. Do you want to be in a relationship? Do you want to have a boyfriend, be a girlfriend?

I agree wholeheartedly with you that 6 months is plenty of time (read: overkill) in deciding if you like someone enough for sexual relations, exclusivity, and commitment. You having to force it with him shows that it is not something he is ready for, or perhaps he just doesn't want it. That is his choice and his actions have made it clear that it is what he wants out of life and his interaction with you. If he wanted more, it would have happened already.

If it is something you want in your life (a boyfriend, a growing relationship, sexual intimacy), then you must decide if you like him enough to give that all up, or move on and find someone with similar relationship ideals as you. You've spent 6 months on this man already... how much more time are you willing to spend?

**WYLTK1** · 09-28-2011 02:18 PM

Honestly, I was thinking of giving it 9 months. Why? I don't know. I'm trying to be sympathetic to his situation (healing from divorce and all). In regards to the sex thing, he tried twice earlier on, like within the first three months but I declined only to change my mind almost immediately the second time but he wasn't able to get it / keep it up so it was a no go. He hasn't tried since and I find it odd that he'd attempt to early on, with no exclusivity, but that he wouldn't try to later on once we'd had the "talk". I fear I'm overlooking the obvious and that I should move on. I know it's silly to put things into time frames but ... I don't know, I guess I'm asking for a time frame. Does a divorce warrant extra or special attention / patience? How much is too much? I've never dated someone who was divorced so I just want to make sure I'm not being irrational. I know how hard a simple break-up can be and I realize that marriage is like that multiplied by 100.

**KMonte85** · 09-28-2011 02:33 PM

Any person, divorced or not, should never enter a relationship until they are 110% over whatever previous relationship they had. They can learn from it, of course but they should not still be hurting from it. Doing so only hurts the next person.

So perhaps he is still hurting. But maybe not.. he may just have decided after his marriage dissolved that he wasn't interested in being serious with another woman, he liked being a serial dater - some people do. But that is something he needs to express to you so you know what to expect from him and act accordingly

To me, 9 months is too much time to waste on someone who so evidently doesn't want the same things you do, especially if you're looking for something more serious. But to each their own... but you need to spend some time reflecting so you don't end up in a pattern of adding 3 more months and then 3 more months and then...

What do you want to see from him in 3 months time? Where do you want your relationship (or whatever it is) with him to be? Re-evaluate in December and see if you're satisfied with where you are. If not, move on (although if it were me, I would be moseying along already).

Just remember that whatever progression that happens should happen naturally. If you have to force it, if you have to force him to call you his girlfriend, if you have to coerce him to be intimate with you, then that progress is only superficial and you're no better off.

**LanaBear** · 09-28-2011 02:44 PM

I agree with KM... I'd be moving along already. Just seems like too much, I don't know, uncertainty and/or questions, to be wasting 6 months time (already) and potentially another 3 months.

Maybe he is getting the feeling that, he's got you reeled in, so to speak and if you haven't raised too much of a stink about it yet, you won't. So, he can just string you along, while he sorts things through his own head, not giving your thoughts or wants any respect.

Let him know that although it has been great, you feel that you deserve more and need to move on from this relationship. Wish him the best and be on your way.

**WYLTK1** · 09-28-2011 03:09 PM

KM and Lana, thank you both. I really appreciate your comments.

Ugh. I know you're both right and that's part of the problem. I do have a tendency to let things drag on longer than they should. I hate being impulsive and I just want to be sure that what I'm doing is "right", meaning that I'm comfortable with it. I'd hate to look back (and I will, I always reflect), and think I effed up. Supposedly he wants to re-marry and have children, so I don't think he's trying to casually date but what people say and what people do are two different things. I'm not sure what I expected anyone to say ... I don't want to coerce him into anything, I already feel as if I did enough even bringing up exclusivity. I just wanted to give him time to get used to things, but I'm thinking now I should pulled back and maybe even out.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-28-2011 03:41 PM

Hi WYLTK1

In my opinion, no sex, no intimacy, no intimacy, no bond.

I'd ask myself, does he hate women, for what his ex did, baggage.

Does he wish really he could re-concile with her and therefore, no sex, just a "friend" comfort, emotional bonding, that's okay.

It sounds to me, that he has deep issues un-resolved, and that he is using you for emotional comfort, someone there for him, work is out the way, it's the weekend...

To say you are not his girlfriend still after 6 months but you are getting there... WT? Be assertive, "when you know what you want, see if I am still here" and walk.

You are not someone's emotional escape you yourself, want a relationship that is loving, intimate and involves, more than 2 days a week, for someone elses needs, I think you are blessed you haven't slept with him yet.

He also could have ED, as he is 20 years older than you and you seem/sound mature...and may never get it up, so you will live in a sexless marriage in any event... And, if that is the case, he needs to see a Doctor...

You can't have guessing games, yet he is making you play them.

**WYLTK1** · 09-28-2011 09:04 PM

Hi CW,

Thank you for commenting.

I'm not sure where to go with the sex thing. There are plenty of people who have sex, without intimacy or a "bond" with very little attachment at all. With that said I feel we do have intimate moments. It's a little weird because there's sexual tension just no sex. I think after I shot him down twice maybe he's waiting for me to be ready. I get the feeling he's a somewhat proud person and wouldn't take to being shot down again.

He's very close to his sister, his best friend is a married woman, and he speaks to his mother somewhat regularly. I don't think he hates women. Baggage, oh yes, but woman hater, not so much. I think he's used to being in control of situations and since the marriage didn't end on his terms it left him a little distraught but he was in denial of how much it affected him. He began dating other women immediately ( the night he signed the divorce papers to be exact) and those relationships, "blew up in his face" -- one dumped him and the other turned out to be "incompatible" (lots of arguments, they were both lawyers).

I agree that he has unresolved issues mainly because he tried to act as if his ex and he were on such good terms what with their friendly divorce and all but I think the truth is that he was hurt by it and is a little hesitant with women now because of this. It took him until he was in his 40's to find "the one", who turned out not to be. He refers to her as his "false start". Interesting way to put it but I suppose there are worse things to call it.

I agree with the "wt?" on the gf front. It makes no sense to me, absolutely none. I literally feel as if I'm being punished for failed relationships and it's beyond unfair. I'm not sure how express this to him other than to simply say that. It's just silly to not give me the respect of calling me a gf when that's seemingly who I am, otherwise who the heck am I to him?

When we had our sit down about our status he said that he was inexplicably hesitant about being exclusive because every time (the other women after the divorce) he tried to commit to someone it ended up backfiring. Maybe I'm crazy or terribly naive but I could understand someone's reluctance after a divorce and two failed attempts at a relationship; attempts mind you that should have never been made so soon but ... It was only after I brought up exclusivity that he though to meet up with his ex (we were exclusive by the time of his trip and he told me way beforehand that he planned on seeing her for closure).

She has well moved on, to Brazil, complete with a new boyfriend and they don't have any children. Other than a few of her belongings (that he tried to give to me ... Weird! I threw them out). There isn't much of her that remains so, I don't think he's trying to reconnect with her apart from seeing her in Brazil, and I feel that was an attempt for him to show-off his "see, I'm fine" face.

I do agree that I may be his emotional escape but to what ends I'm not sure.

Don't know what to say about the ED. I've honestly had the same problem with a series of guys my age and since it only happened once and it was 2 a.m. It could've just been a fluke. Who knows. I can hardly envision a sexless marriage when I've yet to "enjoy" a sexless relationship. Would be nice to know that it's a relationship.

I'll be away from him for about a week so I guess that'll give me some time to think.

Again thank you for all of your comments thus far. I truly appreciate it!

**katherine.g.patterson** · 01-22-2012 08:40 AM

I just joined a few days ago and was lurking around when I read this post.

I know this is an old post but your story seems so much like mine and I wanted to reply anyway.
First of all, regarding the issue of ED, it could just be the manifestation of something more serious, like diabetes or something else. It may not get better, and there may be other issues. Are you sure you want to deal with it? You want to have children, don’t you think that could be an issue? Not just whether he could do it, but what about the quality of his semen for example? Have you really thought about it?

Let me tell you my story. I was also at some point dating a man 20 years older than I, like you, call him Jack. Like in your case, he had ED and we did not have real sex for a while, and his libido was also low. He had just divorced, and he was very non-committal. I thought I loved him and I would stay with him. To this day, I don’t know what I was thinking and why I loved him. Sure, he would take me out to dinner and other things, but sometimes I felt he was not making a lot of effort. For a long time he would not even want to call me his girlfriend. He said he had been hurt before and did not want to commit. What a load of !! So many times I thought I should do something to show him how great I was, but why? Why could he not see that on his own? I was doing most of the work.

All my friends told me I should move on, but I did not want to. I was stubborn and I wanted him to love me back. I guess I was also insecure. I knew another man, call him John, also 20 years older, and divorced, who thought I was very special but I would keep him at a distance. I think it was my insecurity. I was afraid of being with someone who really cared for me and wanted to be with me with no hesitation.
I wasted such a long time of my life, and now I hate myself for doing it. Sometimes things would be good, then they’d get worse, then better again, and I wanted to keep going, but it was such a mistake.
I don’t know what it was, one day it finally clicked and I left him. I sent Jack an email and have never looked back, though it was not easy.
I got together with John who really liked me, and my life changed, and things could not be any better. He loves me and tells me I am great, he is so nice, and we already have a child together and we want a second one. He was also married before, with two other children, now grown-ups, a bad divorce, but never told me he was scared or all the the other man told me.

Don’t waste your time, you can be really happy too, it is not worth it to stay. And if you are worried now, if he looks unsure now, will it really change, do you really want to deal with a divorce later? Maybe he looks like he is changing, but those men never change, a month, a year, 10 years from now, when maybe you have children, he’ll maybe think you are not what he wanted.

In short, my advice to you is: run, do not walk, to the nearest exit away from that man.

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