What would women think of a deaf man?

**Jackky** · 10-01-2011 03:46 PM

Well I've been going through some incredibly tough time in my life for last 6 months. I have been doing so many things I'm really not proud of, been turning into someone I really don't like, and starting to caring less and less about if I live or not (No not suicidal at all, just more willing to take massive risk for no good reason)

I'm 28, have been single for 3 years. Just moved to new city not long ago, got a big promoted at job, living on my own for firs time (not with roommates or anyone) and everything.
I've been looking for someone to share my life with on and off whole time I was single.

I just seems to have far the worst luck ever.

I'm on shorter spectrum of average height, pretty good looking (according to lot of people), due to spending many years in my sport, I'm slender but well built, have lot of scars and some tasteful tattoos.
If people make effort to communicate with me, I'm incredibly easy to talk with (it is very hard to surprise me and I don't judge or... used to) But I'm somewhat shy and socializing is really hard for me due to me being deaf and have to communicate by paper and pen or text. I also used to be a really nice person.

But... I am just starting to feel unbelievable lonely and I'm someone who prefer to be lone most of the time! I have been trying to find a companion for a while... Always get turn down on spot no matter what. If I didn't... I eventually got replaced fast.
Even when I wasn't looking at all ( I spent nearly a year not even looking after last relationship) no one really make any effort to stay in touch or anything.

Now I'm just starting to... feel like no one ever want anything to do with me. I have gave myself a really long and honest hard look. It seems like all problems just end up root in the fact I'm deaf.
I have even had one girl told me "sorry I like to be able to talk to my man and show my emotion"! I have tried online date site... Eventhough it was hard, I got fairly decent amount of replies but either they stop talk shortly afterward or just flaked on me when we were supposed to meet.

Am I just a fool for even thinking I have a hope and make a effort or what?

**Mes T** · 10-01-2011 04:45 PM

I would imagine that yes this could be a struggle for some women, especially those who have never had experience with deafness before, and those who aren't so open to learning new ways of communication. The girl who told you she wants to "show her emotion" is an example of that. She's lived with her voice being the primary source of communication with others and doesn't realize that there are other, JUST as effective ways.

My advice to you would be to try to find someone who's got some experience with deafness, whether they are deaf themselves or are close to someone who is. Do you think that could be a possibility?

**jns** · 10-01-2011 05:05 PM

I take it you sign. As Mes T said, there are some women out there who can take this in stride, and there are others who are willing to learn. Do you also lip read? Can you talk so most people understand you? You said you communicate by writing and text, so I suspect you don't do the last two, but I want to be sure. There are some women out there who will make the effort to learn how to communicate with you effectively, you just have to find them. And find someone who understands the definition of "show"; I suspect your sight is at least average.

**Jackky** · 10-01-2011 05:07 PM

My exactly fear... It just suck so bad... I can start up a conversation pretty easy if I want to but normally I don't. I just do it because if I don't... I could be going for months without talk to anybody. But my deafness would always get in the way.

I used to seriously wonder if it was because of my looks, my height, because I appear unfriendly/cold in general, and million other things. I tried explore every possible options. But after so many misfortune... I know it must be something else.
I also often wonder if being deaf make me look like I'm not a "alpha male" type and unable to "protect" someone and would sound pathetic and weak if girl say "hey my boyfriend is deaf"
I also wonder if it is just the awkwardness of it that put them off. I also wonder if my inability to interact normal with social make it hard for anyone to really want to be around me. List goes on.

What is worst is, the longer this go on... The more I lose my "humanity" and start to not care about anyone or anything. I start to do things I never thought I would (hunting which is extremely against my religion, starting a fight, ignore domestic violent when I could have stop it easily, and list goes on) and the more I dislike people in general. This is just really scaring me as I dont want to become such a person. I have even consider finding a activity with incredibly high chance of dying just so I don't have to become the person I despite.
I cannot stand the though of living my life as someone who have no emotion, enjoy hurting others, not caring about anyone feeling, etc...

As for meeting someone who is deaf... The thing with deaf is... deaf community are like a small town. I just CANNOT get into it. I cannot stand by a deaf lady and look at two or three men who have been with her then at ten other deaf people who know everything about her and stuff. There's also so much drama going on, it is almost always about gossip over trivial things which I really don't tolerate well. Plus I'm a very private person and live in a fairly small city so I don't really interact with them at all.
Person with experience with deaf people are in pretty much same shoes as I am so that make it hard.

**Jackky** · 10-01-2011 05:12 PM

Originally Posted by jns

I take it you sign. As Mes T said, there are some women out there who can take this in stride, and there are others who are willing to learn. Do you also lip read? Can you talk so most people understand you? You said you communicate by writing and text, so I suspect you don't do the last two, but I want to be sure. There are some women out there who will make the effort to learn how to communicate with you effectively, you just have to find them. And find someone who understands the definition of "show"; I suspect your sight is at least average.

No I cannot really read lips unless I know the person for a while and they say same word again and again for a while which could take months and forget even trying to speak in full sentence. You'd be lucky if I can understand anything more than maybe 3 words sentence being said very slowly and clearly.

My sight is just fine.

Yeah I have been trying to meeting people which is incredibly hard on me as I am naturally introvert and a loner. So that's why it is incredibly draining on me to try and meet more people. It won't be so bad if I have a bit luck here and there as it would make me feel like I'm at least getting somewhere. But with so many bad luck... I just get to point where I just think "why am I even doing this? I'm just making a fool of myself"
Plus I usually try to avoid places like bar, party, etc... But sometime I do get drag there some how which never end well for me.

**Mes T** · 10-01-2011 06:59 PM

I can sort of see what you mean about the deaf community, I had no idea it could be like that but it makes sense.

I think you're being a little bit too hard on yourself. You're only 28, that's quite young in my book, and I think time is on your side. So why not take a more relaxed approach and just see if you can work on your social skills in GENERAL. Set a goal for yourself to make some new friends, including females. A lot of people prefer to be friends with someone before dating anyway, right? So what if you make a connection with a woman, become friends, become more and more comfortable with one another... and she can become more comfortable with these news ways of communication without feeling like she's being pressured or like there's high expectations.

And then down the line one of your friendships could turn into something more?

**DSemcho** · 10-02-2011 01:24 AM

I personally don't see you being deaf as anything really. I think it would be interesting to date someone who was deaf, because then I'd get to come up with creative ways to communicate. I'm sorry you are finding shallow people! Plus they could learn sign language as well, the people you date, and then if someone freaked ya'll out (for instance a lady who looked like the "Kajigger" lady from Futurama) ya'll could actually talk about it without offending her and it would be between ya'll. I imagine sign is kind of an intimate language, because a lot of people don't understand what your saying.

For those of you who don't know the kajigger lady...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-02-2011 03:11 AM

Communication is hard in every relationship, and every relationship requires effort from both people, that is what constitutes a relationship.

In a "mixed" relationship, as you describe communicating is an even greater challenge and requires more work.

And if the hearing person refuses to give the effort it takes to learn to sign and only knows 3 words, then he/she is forcing his/her deaf partner to do ALL the work or the partner whom is deaf.

I understand that it is frustrating and tiring for you to not only go through this but to work on more knowledge to read day and night and for that of the person who enters your life but, to love someone will learn believe me.

A partner will meet in the middle.

Be amongst groups and listen to all stories and how they cope and join different groups.

In my opinion I would learn for a man I loved, and I know I am not the only one...

**Jackky** · 10-02-2011 10:18 AM

I may be 28... But it doesn't help when I look around and seems like everyone can find someone in a month if they want, and if they don't put any effort, maybe 3 to 6 months maximum. Me... like as I say, there are lot of time when I am not even looking or interested and no luck. When I am looking, it get worse.
Just kinda make me feel like this is just going to be that way for rest of my life.
It is incredibly annoying especially when I've seen a girl working two full time job to support a loser boyfriend who don't want to work and spend her money like water or a misogynist land a girl just a week after break up with other girl.

Well yeah, the problem is if I try to make friend and try to do something, it would have to be a one on one thing. That get written off as "date" I have talk to many girls who I would never consider being in relationship with and if I ask them if they want to do something they quickly make excuse up or flake.
It has got so bad that I don't even try any more because I just assume they're going to flake on me no matter how much interest they show at first.

Thanks for your input, DS and CW.
Yes it is never easy, the worst part is with most girls I have dated in past... when they learn sign, they'd assume they are so good that they don't need paper and pen any more then thing get really bad from there. For example, one time we were at restaurant and I want to write down my order, but the girl I was with was so confident she could order exactly what I want. I keep try to tell her no, but she wouldn't have it. So I told her she better get it right. When I told her what I want few times, she look lost and confused. I ask her if she understand, she reluctantly say yes then order. Guess what? Order was wrong and on top of that, it was something she know I don't like!
That's just one example of how hard communicate could be, especially in beginning so yes I'm very aware of that.
But other thing is... if we have problem, it is probably much easier and healthier because we'd just end up leave eachother note or email until we feel like we can work thing out face to face.
In one of my relationship, we communicate our feeling and stuff like that by email only then when we're together, we just enjoy our time and talk about what's going on around us and things like that. But that worked because we both were very independent and see each other maybe only once or twice a week.

So yeah it require some creativity to make things work out and may take a bit to get used to. So that can be a whole new world for them and me.
Now if I was to try tell other how this work, it is most likely they'd just not understand how it could work or feel like they cannot live that way. So I can see why that could create a major barrier.

As for group... I have tried, I don't fare too well in a group in most case. I usually get pushed out. Because of this, I always feel like everyone especially men around me are a competition. So unless they're a close friend, I don't like to be around them and am not that friendly and it is getting worse as the time goes by.