What counts as "cheating"?

**cinbuns** · 10-11-2011 11:39 PM

Sorry for the length of this post in advance!

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, and we've been living together since last December. Ever since the beginning of our relationship, we have had trouble with his exes. For a while, he was talking to one (we'll say "J") that I knew about. I thought they were just friends so I was slightly irritated by it, but never really said anything to him about it. One day, I saw a text from her on his phone that was locked and thought it was odd. I opened it and it said, "Come down, let's F." I was horrified as I thought all along that they were just being old friends, and I was completely wrong and naive the whole time.

He promised to stop contacting her, and I believed him. I didn't see anymore phone calls or texts from her for months. Then one day, I saw a picture of her on his phone that "his friend had sent". I'll never know if the guy really sent it or her, but I do know that he went through the trouble of saving it and that was enough for me to be mad. He once again "cut all contact with her".

Now, a couple of weeks ago, she started calling his phone late at night while we were sleeping. He never answered and there were just missed calls from her, leading me to think that she was pursuing him but he was ignoring her. I let it go without too much of a fight.

Now, today I was looking on the computer and saw he'd deleted a lot of things from the history. I got paranoid and looked on his facebook... I know, how very wrong of me. Well, I saw in his messages that he had started a conversation with J on Sunday while I was at work. It detailed how unhappy he is with work and how he wants to move back to FL, which is coincidentally where J moved. After going on about how strong of a girl she is to just get up and move, he ended the conversation saying that he was depressed and wants to visit FL. He said, "Seriously I'm going to call one day asking to stay for a few days!

"

Of course I flipped out. He claimed he wasn't contacting her, but he was even talking very intimately with her about his life and feelings. We got into a huge fight and he flipped my coffee table, threw my lamp and broke it, and smashed my fan into a million pieces. He claimed they're just friends and he misses talking to her because she's such a great listener. He says I don't listen to him. (LIES). He wanted to know if I would ever be ok with her, and I said no because he's clearly shown that they're not just "friends". I also feel hurt that he would talk freely about his feelings with her when I can't ever get him to open up. Also, obviously he'd been lying and talking to her throughout the relationship without me knowing.

FL is nearly 10 hours away from me, but I still feel "cheated" on. What counts as cheating these days? Am I being ridiculous and overreacting? I'm so upset.

**KMonte85** · 10-12-2011 06:52 AM

He may not have physically been able to cheat on you, but the emotional intimacy he's sharing with her is inappropriate in my opinion, and is emotional cheating.

If the friendship had remained platonic, yeah sure, no big deal. But the sweet comments, the racy texts, the calling all hours of the night - this is more than just two ex's being friendly. And his guilt is shown all over his overreaction (flipping out and breaking your stuff - red flag).

Unfortunately cin, I think it is fairly obvious your boyfriend has made his choice. In the 3 years you've been together, he has never been willing to give her up, he would rather lie to your face and still see her, than give up contact to make your relationship stronger. That speaks volumes.

**Seeker_Advice** · 10-12-2011 11:10 AM

From a male's perspective...I couldn't agree more.

Your guy is a cheater! If not physically, yet, then emotionally for sure.

He's a cheater - IMO too.

**kygirl** · 10-12-2011 02:23 PM

I'm going to agree with everyone else. You told him multiple times that you did not feel comfortable with them contacting one another (and for seemingly good reason), and he STILL chose to do so. AND he hid it from you. I think you can't trust someone who would do that and share such emotional things with her...Not to mention saying what he said about coming down and staying with her...that is beyond inappropriate in my book.

Sorry

**cinbuns** · 10-12-2011 07:23 PM

Thank you for all of your answers. I too believe that he is emotionally cheating on me. I told him that and he doesn't believe that he is "cheating" and thinks I'm crazy for thinking that. He promised to "delete the girl" and once again cut all contact because he "realized how important I am to him". Yeah, it took him three years of fighting to realize that? Also, he said he would delete her yesterday. I looked today and they're still Facebook friends. If he were so willing to change, you would think that he would do that immediately.

**ska1331** · 10-12-2011 08:39 PM

I personally would delete him. He continues to lie to you and when caught he breaks YOUR things!!! I am a guy and I have female friends from 20yrs ago that I discuss some emotional stuff with, but it is strictly friends and I am open with my emotions to my wife. Since he can seem to leave her, I would see nothing wrong with you leaving him. He doesn't open up to you beacause he has already given himself to her. Let him go.

**KMonte85** · 10-13-2011 06:53 AM

Originally Posted by cinbuns

He promised to "delete the girl" and once again cut all contact because he "realized how important I am to him". Yeah, it took him three years of fighting to realize that? Also, he said he would delete her yesterday. I looked today and they're still Facebook friends. If he were so willing to change, you would think that he would do that immediately.

Notice a pattern here, cin? Haven't you heard this line before? Haven't you seen the same results before? Read your initial post.

He's feeding you a line because he thinks he can. How much longer are you going to let him do this? Until he visits FL like he told her he wanted to and turns his cheating from emotional to physical? Will that finally cross the line?

How much are you willing to put up with? You deserve to be treated better.

**StevenR** · 10-14-2011 06:30 PM

You are not over-reacting. If it's sneaky behavior, it's dishonest. And the flipping and breaking stuff? That's too much.

**cinbuns** · 10-14-2011 10:22 PM

Thank you for all of your honest answers. I had left for a few days to visit my parents that live 2 hours away (actually to just get away) and now I'm back at my house. I'm worried because I have yet to see him since the fight and he is acting really strange towards me. I do not know exactly what to say to him when we are eventually both at home at the same time.

I know this is bad, but I looked on his computer when I got back to see if he had de-friended the girl on Facebook like he said he was going to. He actually did, but while I was "snooping" I came across a video of him jerking off. It was taken only a couple of weeks ago. I'm now worried as to why he would've done that? Honestly, do guys just casually record those things, or is it meant for someone? It may just be my paranoia talking from these recent events, though.