Thread: I Am Pathetic.

Sorry for length!

A year ago I signed up for eHarmony. I thought it would be stupid. I didn't *want* a relationship. I was there to appease my mother. But then, a few days after I signed up...I saw a profile. It was witty, genuine, and the man was unconventionally beautiful. I had to talk to him.

I was late for our first date. I had underestimated parking, and I ran into the coffee shop a bit out of breath. There he was...just sitting there. He was more gorgeous in person, and he stood up. In his hand there was a rose, and then he gave it to me and kissed my hand. I don't think I've ever felt so smitten in my life. I have never in my life wanted someone so badly so quickly.

We got together quite a bit after that. We would explore shops, walk on the beach, watch comedies that had us both cracking up, and cuddle on his bed. While there were butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw him, no one had ever calmed my very *soul* the way he did.

For the first time in my *entire life*, I started tripping over my words. I didn't know what to say a lot of the time. I was nervous but unbelievably happy. He was everything I had ever wanted in a man...everything I had ever hoped for. I could listen to him talk forever and never grow tired of hearing his voice.

I never pushed a relationship though. I tried very hard not to seem clingy, and I usually waited for him to call.

I wonder sometimes if I was so nervous that I didn't really show enough of myself. Sometimes I wonder if I never was upfront enough about my feelings. Sometimes I think that maybe if I hadn't seemed so giddy whenever I saw him, I wouldn't have seemed desperate. A few months after we met, he took me to my car to talk to me.

He said that he had gotten into graduate school...out of state. But he also said that he thought I probably felt a lot deeper for him than he felt for me. He said he didn't think it was going to work out, and he wanted to tell me right when he knew that. He was honest with me...the one thing I always wanted. I waited until he left to break down in tears.

We had a couple of light, casual conversations over Facebook. They were so casual, I could count the sentences on my fingers. Seven months later, he was leaving for school. He shocked me by calling me for the first time since he'd told me the news, saying he really wanted to see me before he left. I agreed.

I thought I was starting to get over it...but...then I saw him. Sitting at the cafe. I heard his voice. I couldn't stop smiling...I was happy just to look at him.

I keep trying to tell myself he didn't feel anything for me...but...a few times he would pause in our conversation, give a look like he wanted to say something, but then not say it. And when he walked me to my car...the hug he gave...it wasn't friendly. He took me into his arms and just held me for almost a full minute.

When he walked away, I cried again. I feel so stupid. For all this time I haven't said anything. I haven't wanted to push. I thought he made his point clear...but...should I tell him how I feel? I have a birthday present I have yet to send...all because I can't figure out what to say. I want to write a letter with the present. Should I keep it casual? Or should I tell him where I stand?

I'm so crazy about him. I've never felt this way in my life, but I don't want to pressure him or make him uncomfortable. I don't want to be the "creepy girl" either. I know I need to get over him, but does he have a right to know how I feel? Do you think he even *wants* to know?

Sorry it's so long. I ramble when I talk about him. I think he's the only man I felt this way for just for being him...not because of how he made me feel. He's the most amazing person I've ever known...please help.