Clingy and i think its starting to push him away! advice needed badly!

**baby1010** · 10-12-2011 07:46 PM

Im 18 and have been with this guy a yr. hes 26. My last relationship lasted 3 yrs and i was always around him constantly and there was sex nonstop during the day after school, could this be why i have such a need to want to be with my current boyfriend all the time and why i have a high sex drive?
I have been the girl that just wants to spend all the time in the world with my man and be held while watching tv. I never thought it was a bad thing up till the fact that now im started to get yelled at and complained at about it. I thought it was something normal but now im believing that im starting to push him away by being so clingy. Im not sure if he knows im clingy bc i have never told him much about my past.
What do i do? How can i fix and work on being not so clingy?
I really need advice!!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-13-2011 03:31 AM

baby1010 I would firstly question why a 26 year old is with an 18 year old...By that I mean, he yells at you, doesn't understand "emotions", what has he done from 18 to 26? Is he really the right one for you?

In-security can bring on the "want" more of hugs, touches, kisses and if your sex drive was alive for three years non-stop and he is not like that, then you are not compatiable sexually. Simply put.

Perhaps you are "expecting him to be like your ex" perhaps he just mosys on in life, expecting women to give when he wants and not when he doesn't.

I do not think you two are compatible... If you said you were clingy in the last one and he dissed you too? Then it would be different, however, you had a highly chemical relationship which you don't have and with chemisty that high, comes kissing, hugging ,etc, etc, etc.

I think you need to view honestly who this man his, his past, and your future.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-13-2011 06:46 AM

There is someone for everyone. Some people are more clingy than others. I find extreme clingyness a huge turnoff. I want someone to desire to be with me, but if they're constantly with me and hanging on me then they never have a chance to miss me, or self reflect on their true feelings. I don't want to be with someone that just needs someone to be with. I want to be with someone that finds themselves doing things they've never done, wanting things they've never wanted, because they have me.

There is no sense for the yelling. He's a grown man. It's hard to imagine why he would desire to be with someone 8 years his junior at this point in life. He is at a completely different point in life (or at least he should be).

As CW said, if he's not giving you what you truly need in a relationship, then your desire to be "Accepted" by him (whether in the form of affection, sex or just being with) will be stronger. Perhaps this is partially why you're clingy. Have you ever considered that the two of you just aren't compatible?

**kygirl** · 10-13-2011 08:51 AM

I have to agree with everyone else. He's old enough that he should be able to talk to you like an adult. I am also a bit curious about why a 26 yr old is so eager to be with an 18 year old.

Either way...on the clingy, I agree with BD that some are just more clingy than others, BUT you also have to ask yourself why you are clingy. We all enjoy being around the people we care about, but sometimes we need time with our girlfriends and our hobbies and our families, etc to have a complete well-rounded life. You have so much life ahead of you! You don't want to become immersed in someone so much that you do not have your own personal things that you can without them. That doesnt' mean you don't want to be with them but sometimes having time away makes you both better people and then better lovers, friends, couple.

I would seriously watch his attitude though. Regardless, he should not be yellnig about it. Maybe some time to yourself now and then would be good for both of you. Give him some time to miss you and perhaps you some time to see what it's like when he's not around...

**BabyGirl** · 10-13-2011 03:51 PM

Im 18 and have been with this guy a yr. hes 26. My last relationship lasted 3 yrs and i was always around him constantly and there was sex nonstop during the day after school, could this be why i have such a need to want to be with my current boyfriend all the time and why i have a high sex drive?

If I am reading correctly,

You had a Boyfriend for 3 years, you are now 18 , which is a legal age for most States or Countries.
But you had Sex every day or when you could after school ?

Now you have a boyfriend that is 26 and from your words, you were 17 when you started this New Boyfriend " Relationship "

Do you feel like you are " Addicted to Sexual Pleasures " .

How did the last relationship end. Meaning the 3 year one when your were 14- 17 ? Was it bad, was it emotionally charged but kinda Fizzled after time ?

I also agree with the others here,.

Why would a 26 year old want to have a Girlfriend that is " Clingy".

Now don't take that wrong, But Women of 18 ( here in USA ) usually are More Mature and Motivated away from or of getting out of their Parents Control, Living their Life and Doing what they Can or want to do

And they Usually, not Always, Fall for the first Guy they can move in with, have sex, keep house and pretend to be the " Family " with two kids, House and Picket fence . Then again the Guy that has been through all the " Wild Girls" and may just want to settle down with one Loving Woman,

Honey , It could be You. It could be Him. Long Time Relationships.

If he is saying " No " you are Cramping My Style or Space. I would see if you both can take some time off, You can still search within each other & even Date.

But as you are saying " Clingy" he is saying No and Not Ready.
Step Out, Step Back, get Goals and Dream's in Check ..

Interpretation/ Advise .. Meaning from me ..

Just think, think about 3 years from now, Where will you Be , Where do you want to be ?
I know it is 3 years from 18, But you may have a different goal ?

Not sure if you are in school. Graduated High School, Going to an Higher Education or not. But that is a Plan you should look at.

**baby1010** · 10-13-2011 05:18 PM

We met before i turned 17 and started dating when i was 16 a couple months from being 17. I am not sure why he was interested in me and what not. we have never really talked about it. He was married and now is working on the divorce. She cheated lied and left. I am not having that fun life in a way bc i am taking care of his son, cleaning house and trying to learn new things. as in cooking bc i dont know how to yet. before i moved in and my mom passed away we got along great never fought or argued but then my mom passed away i went to texas for her funeral and things and i became and emotional wreck. Which i am still trying to get over as well. My mom was never there for me as a parent but there for me as a best friend. the first time i have seen her is at her funeral since 2008 or 09. I do realize that i have changed some since my mom passed. I am the kind of girl that falls in love fast. i hate it but it happens. My ex and i split when it was one night at 3 am. we were talking on the phone he started calling me names and stuff and i was crying most of the time i hang up right when we say goodbye but this time i didnt and he never hung up and he was talking bad about me to his sister and i over heard him saying the most awful things and i said it was over, i wasnt going to be treated like that any more. My sex life with my ex sucked it was the worst i have ever had. he was a sex freak and wanted nothing but that and would hurt me all the time. I fell for the guy i am with now bc 1 he was the absoulte sweetest guy in the world he does everything for me and treats me the best. up until it comes to my clingy ness. Im very clingy because of my ex. i was so use to being around him and he controled me and never let me see or talk to my friends. Hints why i dont have girl time anymore. I miss seeing friends and hanging with them but they are all in high school and never have time and way younger then me. I am trying to make new friends but its hard when ur not working and there is no way to meet new people.

**kygirl** · 10-14-2011 01:21 PM

Baby1010,

Are you attending college? What are your plans for life? I think that is what Babygirl was trying to get at. You're going to have to make some life goals for yourself. Maybe talk to him and let him know if he doesn't want you around all the time, it's relaly not fair for you to be cooking, cleaning and taking care of his son,.

You mentioned that he was married and going thru a divorce when you all met...let me tell you from experience that is BAD news in most situations. He probably wants some time to get out and most likely jumped into something for some security and comfort, but he also sounds like maybe he wants to not be trapped into something so soon.

Sorry about your mom. I know that's rough, but I think you have to figure out what you want to be, and I'm sure it's not someone's housewife. You have to figure out your dreams, ambitions, and get out. College is a great way to meet people. You can also find a job somewhere, waiting tables or whatever. You could also get involved in community groups, a church group, volunteer work. It's not easy to meet people when you are connected at the hip with someone but you're going to have to take the initiative to get out and do it.

It's easy to fall in love, but I can tell you one truth I've learned. Love is NOT enough. if you're not compatible or not on the same wavelength, it wont work.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-14-2011 01:56 PM

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mother, at any age it's difficult at 16 it's very hard...

I think we all, as children want that love, we need it.. You mention she was more like a best friend than a Mother, I gather that your childhood didn't consist of the warm that nurtured you as children should have, so maybe you've been searching or love ever since and in your first boyfriend and now this boyfriend.

When someone is searching for that missing emotional bonding, they do tend to fall easily. They are drawn to attention...given to them...and they tend to choose and settle..

Finally, someone to love them huh...But, it doesn't honestly work that way... To love, is to get to know the inner person and all that they are and fall in love with that person, faults, and all...To have chemistry, and someone smile at you and tell you something nice, then treat you originally nice, isn't falling in love, it's "needing" that person in your life.

You expressed so much in your post.

You showed that you aren't really happy but that you are doing everything you can to make "him" happy, it's all about him, nothing about you...

There is a pattern there, I assume you did the same for your ex, even though he treated you bad, was controlling and used you for sex daily, constantly but you weren't really happy...

Do you know you don't usually have to change a complete circle, for someone? How do I be a better, cook, a better, lover, not so clingy, good in bed.... Why? Because this guy makes "suggestions" that makes you feel that you are not good enough and your ex, really made you feel that way...

He was married when you met.

He therefore, had baggage, his wife cheated, he would have to not trust women, maybe even dislike women to a degree, she left him with the baby, he can't work and take care of a 3 year old but you can... You can live there for nothing, waste your life away, not have friends, no further education, no goals, no dreams, learn to cook, be better in bed, not so needy, and care for his baby, his house, his needs, a perfect "book wife" you know? The one that just goes and does, so he can earn a living and have someone for free, take care of his home and child.

What I am saying, is what is he saying to you?

Is he telling you to study on line, that he'll get more work so you can get an education?

Is he telling you it's not fair for you to look after his child, when you are only 18 and not get out there and live?

Is he thanking you for all who you are and all that you do, for him and his child?

Does he tell you he loves you, and hold you, kiss you?

Sounds to me that you really, honestly want a "normal" life, one that belongs to a teenager but you are stuck, have no one, and instead, you are trying to be a better person...but not for you, for him...You do have someone, the most important person in the world, YOU..

Have a think, a deep think...What does this lady want out of life? Really want.

**baby1010** · 10-14-2011 06:05 PM

I am a high school drop out. I quite last yr when my mother passed away which was the end of 10th grade. I am planning to get a GED. and go to a college and become a nurse of some sort.
CW;
He tells me he loves me all the time, hugs and kisses come too. We are great together but we do fight over point less stuff that shouldnt even be worried about. He works and trys to support us 3 but him working alone isnt getting anything paid or done. We are 3k behind in rent. Him and his ex have been separated for almost 2yrs that i know of. I have never had a parent figure till i was put in foster care when i was 14. My dad beat me and my mother lived in texas. Dad abandoned me and moved back to texas. I dont get along with my adopted parents because of all the issues i have i just dont like them even though they have done everything for me. I have been through a lot. I do keep trying to settle fast when i should really be having fun. he has told me thank you a few times but not as often that i would love him too. Theres alot he doesnt understand about me and im not sure how to talk to him about it all. I would love to do counseling even couples counseling but i am so broke and i have no insurance to cover it. so its hard. My adopted parents just moved to michigan i live in ohio. I dont have family around where i live so its all hard to get out and go exspecially when there is no one around that cares for me or about me. Hes all that i have left and i think thats why i havent stood up for myself bc i dont want to be left on the streets with nothing. Some ways i am not happy at all. but sometimes i am, I am more depressed about alot of things then unhappy.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-15-2011 03:34 AM

I am glad that you have goals and dreams.

You know what? We can not choose our parents, the way in which we were bought up, the pain and sorrow, hurt and feeling of being un-loved...We CAN choose our future...We CAN plan, have goals and work towards them...If we do, people believe in us, they take us on, give us a chance and give us the rope which we can climb because even the successful people of this World started somewhere, had nothing...And, mostly, if you look at alot of celebrities, they too had bad and hard childhoods and believed....

Your boyfriend...is having it tough but he can not afford his child or you...You are feeling the strains of financials, with him, of is this your home are you safe? $3k is a heck of a lot to owe, here where I live you would be evicted... And, you have to consider that, that may occur soon, there is only one person to look after at this point and that is you.... I don't know what he does for a living or even if he could work somewhere at a second job to "support" his family and what he was like in his marriage, there may have been a reason why she cheated, maybe she didn't feel safe, loved herself.

I understand why you settled...And why you are with him, "a parent figure" older...Guidance, love the want of both. Remember though like I said, you can CHOOSE what you become in life....

Your adopted parents were there for you, they are now... They have done everything for you, they will now.. I think it's time to look at them as "friends" people to turn to, to let them finally in and to talk to them... They know what you have been through and it seems they are giving you space to find yourself but you know? If you had nowhere, they would be there.

They are the people that took a chance to help you...You are the person whom can't / won't let them in... Yet, you let a man in that is in debt, talks about threesomes, disrespectful regardless of the hugs which lead to sex mostly right... A few times thank you to an 18 year old that took a chance, that is trying to work out how to have better sex, a threesome for HIM, is not enough, you should be his all...Like I said, he has baggage and you don't know why she cheated on him....seems he is a tad irresponsible and told you what you need to hear.. I have been there with my ex husband, felt sorry, tried and then the wake up call, it wasn't his ex-wife, it was him....

Go talk to your "parents" those that chose you, wanted you... would do anything for you, you are about to embark on a different journey and you are maturing...

I am sorry, you are depressed because you are NOT happy and you know deep down that the small amounts of love are okay, you just need love but you don't sell your soul and do everything he wants when he can't give the same back, let alone make you safe, you are doing too much for an 18 year old, this is not your responsibility go and be a Nurse, study, re-gain friends, find new ones be happy and again, talk to your "parents" you will be suprised.