Relationship break up... thoughts needed please

**blueclouds** · 10-27-2011 04:33 PM

Hi, I've only posted here a few times months ago, I meant to come back regularly but didn't get around to it and I could do with some advice. I just glanced at my old posts and they read terrible so maybe ignore them :P.

I've had an emotional fortnight and am now sort of broken up and at my parents' house. I did live with my ex(?)-boyfriend up until yesterday, we'd been going out just under 2.5 yrs, lived together over 1.5.

I don't want to bore you with loads of details but we broke up because I finished a degree this summer and have tried to get a job (any, non-graduate included) since but haven't. He is still doing his degree. I applied for benefits help as soon as I graduated but there were delays and the confirmation only recently came through. I essentially get no benefits because my benefits application is considered joint (because we live together) and his income - student loans and grants - are high enough they meet the minimum income level for a couple.

So, I told him the news when the letter came that I couldn't get benefits so he'd have to help me out til I found a job. We have since gone on and on, but essentially he has said he won't support me because he can't afford to. I suggested going into a cheaper rented place together, making sacrifices (on takeaways, he goes out to meals with friends often, etc). He kept saying no, he needs his money, I'll have to find somewhere else to go and he wanted to go somewhere to live on his own.

In the end we have gone on this break, which I think I found really hard and he seems really casual about. He doesn't seem to care...

The issues that kept going on are these. I thought we should want to stick together, I'd support him (and have done in the past...), I thought we should struggle together because we're a team, we love each other and are committed (were). He said no, got to look after himself having enough money first. I said it's priorities, love over money. He said it's not a conflict, choosing to move out on his own and not support me isn't choosing money over love. My family were adamant and very hurt about his decision not to help me out and wanted me to get out of the relationship.

Can I ask - should a partner want to help the other out, be willing to be short of money together, live somewhere cheaply, etc?

I just can't help feeling ditched and betrayed, like he doesn't really care or support me when he's needed to. But it's worrying me in case I am seeing it wrong...

Thanks so much for posts back.

**jns** · 10-27-2011 11:41 PM

Originally Posted by blueclouds

Can I ask - should a partner want to help the other out, be willing to be short of money together, live somewhere cheaply, etc?

I think if he loved you, he would be willing to sacrifice some. It sound like he viewed your relationship as a convenience and when it wasn't so convenient, threw it aside. When he gets done his degree, he is not likely to share what he earns if he gets a good job as guys usually don't change. Don't waste your time on him. Find someone who is willing to share and compromise and share your life with that person. Then when he says he loves you, you will know he really means it.

**Found999** · 10-28-2011 03:32 AM

He is playing like your just (edit)partner but not loving partner...if he loves you, he will do everything for you and would want to spend his money for you but why still expecting some thing good from him??? there's so many fish in the sea... and that guy thought you're also using him and he tried to avoid that,maybe he had some bad past about that issue too... there were signs that tells him not to give in and he would make a lot of excuses to save his pocket... he might be testing you too if you're really there for love or for money... but if you think you'd given a lot of effort in your relationship...sweetie, close the book...find another book to start a new happy ending story! cheer up! take him as a lesson okay?

**ThatLuckyGirl** · 10-28-2011 11:07 AM

I would highly recommend getting out of there. He's not worth it. First thing you gotta do (if possible) is cut off contact completely. It will help you move on, prevent you from saying anything you regret, make him miss you and realize you are amazing, and a lot of other things. If you want him back it's possible but you need a fresh start if you make it that far. If you need a good book on the subject you should check out (edit link)Good luck!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-29-2011 03:12 PM

He had choices.

The first thought to me if two people love each other and are financially struggling due to beurocrasy is to find a way around that, that being you moving out getting your benefits, staying over, sleeping at home as well, and continuing the loving relationship until a job comes up...

He didn't choose that.

I think that the finances became too hard, or else, he became selfish and prefers to use his money for himself and doesn't care enough to support you any further...

It's horrible when you are faced with a reality...But, it happened...Let him know he had choices and chose not to take them, and you are no longer available, around full stop

**blueclouds** · 10-30-2011 06:47 AM

Thanks for the replies.

I've learnt he really didn't care about me. I think I was a commodity, I was useful when it suited him. The weirdest thing to me is he was the most verbally loving person I've dated - 'couldn't be without you' 'would die without you' 'love you forever' - but since this, he has been the coldest person. He's literally ditched me, no contact or concern, just got on with being single. This tells me he wanted me out of convenience, when it suited him...

I know I probably shouldn't have been facebook stalking but, he's since gone on a night out with friends and flirted with a girl - one with the same first name as me. He's posted things to her on facebook just the same as when we first started going out, it's so weird. Him going out is unusual too - he never wanted to when we were together, only occasionally and never taking me. Now, a day after we break, he's gone out and flirted with this girl.

I've been trying to be controlled about this. Telling myself it's a good thing. Trying not to be hurt or upset. He's sailed on with his life... it's so so strange. I feel so used, so unappreciated.

He even told me by text, I contacted him about furniture, that he never sees us being together now to which I replied I knew. I'd only asked him if he wanted us to keep in touch... why did he have to say that? I get that he's ditched me, no need to point it out. Anyway, he even told me he hadn't been in touch because he thought he'd shown concern for me enough the last month when I've been job seeking. I thought... he's been thinking he needs to get rid of me ever since I've been out of a job? That he was being supportive by sticking around for a month? He only wanted me while I was worthwhile, like some sort of old-fashioned trophy girl. Not that I'm much of a trophy even with a job but you know, feels that way!

So sorry if this is rambling, I'm just kinda struggling through this and this forum really helps xx

**blueclouds** · 10-30-2011 06:49 AM

Also, jns thanks for pointing out that he wouldn't share a wage later, you're so right and that would not be a nice relationship.

**blueclouds** · 10-30-2011 06:56 AM

Thought I'd add one more thing (sorry not very good at posting), he suggested a while ago that my parents put me up somewhere close to him, then he would visit me and buy me food or take me out if he had spare money. Well, I thought that was just horrible and my parents hated it too, they said if they were putting me up they wouldn't want me seeing him. It would have been too expensive for them anyway. Well, I told him before I moved back to my parents that if I moved out he wouldn't be seeing me, if we had this break and I moved on my own or to my parents he wouldn't be able to visit me or see me either place. So, he was told that and he made his choice.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-01-2011 01:59 AM

Hey sweet, I'd say that he probably did like you when you met, maybe had a form of love but certainly has no clue what love is, but he's no winner is he? He is stupid, not prepared to wait until you gain employment I mean after all you got the Degree first, so you are pretty special and I wonder if he wants a women he can "live off of" based on your reply to JNS

Aint happening as you are all woman sweet.

It seems to me that he may be a bit of a user and is already searching for the next one to move in and pay his way...it's his turn right?

You haven't wasted a couple of years, you've learnt from it, what you don't want, won't accept and what you do want and will accept..

Be greatful imagine if you were to have married him

**kygirl** · 11-01-2011 01:46 PM

I know it seems rough right now, but your ex is obviously not in the right frame of mind to think about being in a caring relationship. Yes, he may have wanted his money (we all do right? lol) but there are times when you have to step in and share the burdens of someone when you love them. It's not always fun and games and easy. I'm sure this is why the part about "for better or for worse" is in the marriage vows...but really it should start earlier than that.

You needed him to help you out. It's not like you were being a bum in some way. You got an education and are having trouble finding a job. He should see that and be willing to help out in any way that he can. It's one thing if he truly had NO means of helping out, but to just be selfish is a good indication of what you would be looking forward to later. You should find someone who will support you and love you no matter what!

Good luck in moving on and in finding a job