Conflict of life goals

**Gisele** · 10-27-2011 04:34 PM

I'm a city girl, and thrive on stimulation from the many interesting people and places that one encounters in a big city. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year, and have been living together for 5 months--in my hometown, a boring Midwestern town that is, quite frankly, a bottomless pit of uncultured blue-collar individuals. When he finishes school in May '13, I would LOVE to move far, far away from my hometown, to a big city, and continue our life together, maybe get married. I can't bear the thought of being stuck here, and I've always told myself that I would leave as soon as possible. I'm miserable here, and it's the source, among other things, of my anxiety and depression. I love my boyfriend, and want to stay with him here until he finishes school, but after that I want to get the heck out of town! The thing is, after saying many times that he would enjoy working somewhere far away, he finally mentioned that he wanted to look for a job in the area so he can live near his family. I think that's so childish. He is 27 years old, shouldn't he be thinking about becoming a fully independent individual, commit himself to a woman, and make his own life? I am so flustered. He is the only man I have ever loved, and I want to be happy with him. What do I do?

**LanaBear** · 10-27-2011 05:40 PM

Living near his family doesn't really make him a person that is not independent, unable to commit himself to a woman or make his own life. Unless by living near, you mean living WITH. Lots of people live near their families. I have many friends who cannot even imagine living anywhere except within close distance to their families. Most of my husbands family is like that, but they all also have their own lives and are independent people.

With that said, I lived in a town that sounds similar to yours, lol. How I hated it! However, the plus side, both my husband and I were eager to get out and moved 3000 miles across the country and away from family and friends. Honestly, it was the BEST DECISION WE HAVE EVER MADE. Getting out of the soul sucking town, lmao! We have since moved back across the country but still 7 hours (driving) from any family. We moved to another city in which it is just my husband and my kids, we did not know anybody when we moved here.

I don't think it is fair to him to think he is childish for wanting to hold family close. It would be like saying you are selfish for wanting to move away, but I don't believe that to be true either. You two are obviously destined for two different futures. Making a sacrifice on where to live can cause the other person depression and feeling stuck. You feel stuck now, he will probably feel stuck in the future and start to feel like you do if he moves to another place.

You have a lot to think about especially if you are thinking about a future together. Like you know, you both are wanting different future. Are either one of you willing to sacrifice what you want to make the other person happy? Knowing you, in the end, may be the one not happy in life which in turn will effect your relationship...

**Goosey** · 10-27-2011 10:17 PM

I won`t lie. The first moment I could move away from home I did. I was so excited to just get away. I went away for school, and now I am back near home. And am so happy.

Honestly, just because your bf wants to be close to his family doesn`t mean he is childish. In fact, he may be quite the opposite -- for me, when I have kids I want to be close to family. It doesn`t mean that he`s lacking independence and doesn`t want his own life and family. He just sees life in the future as different than you do. But that is concerning.

If you want different things for the future, you need to really think about your relationship. Could you be happy living in your home town? OR Could he be happy moving far away from his family? If neither one of those are true, the relationship won`t work out. Not saying either of you are wrong in what you want, you simply want different things.

I think you need to really think hard about this, and what both your goals in life are.

**jns** · 10-27-2011 11:26 PM

Gisele, it sounds like you want to have your bf make your dream of moving to the city a reality. May I ask how old you are? If you are about the age of your bf, why haven't you moved to the city already?

I traveled solo about 700 miles from my rural home by Greyhound Bus when I was 17 to a college summer program. I went to Annapolis through Baltimore, stayed a few days in Washington, DC and went through Richmond to North Carolina. I found I liked traveling and seeing the country. I ended up moving across the country in search of a job after college. Living in the country would be fine if I had a good paying job, but such jobs are more plentiful in the city, so that is where I am. There are benefits to living far from family and doing it on your own. But it isn't for most.

**kygirl** · 10-28-2011 08:29 AM

G,

I have to agree with everyone else. I hardly think wanting to be near your family makes you childish. There are a lot of good reasons to be close to family: support, help with future children, etc. It sounds like you two maybe just have a different idea of what direction you may want your lives to go. I've known some people that were perfectly contents to stay in the same town they grew up in their entire lives (be it a big city or small town) and others want to branch out. It's all dependent upon your priorities and what is important to you. I was you. I couldn't WAIT to get out of my town and now 4 years later, I love where I am, but there are times I miss my family too. Would I move back? Probably not because I like a larger city, but some people have different ideas of what is important to them.

I think you and your boyfriend need to have a serious conversation about this. I dont' know how old you are (you only mention his age) but you don't want to wait another year and a half to figure this out. You need to decide if you can be happy there if that is what he wants to do or if he is open to venturing elsewhere. If you both have different ideas of what you want and need to be fulfilled in your lives, then maybe it is better to know that now. You don't want to feel like he has trapped you there if you *really* want to move somewhere to make a new life, and I'm sure he doesn't want that future resentment on his shoulders either.

I had to break up with a good man to move, and I thought I might not find someone here, but I have. Either way, this is something you all should discuss and then you have to decide if his response is a dealbreaker.

Good luck!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-29-2011 03:05 PM

Maybe he feels secure where he is, is happy living with you, being close to family his life is happy...People change their ideas and ideals and sometimes they agree to pacify not being fully aware of how real your dream is, rather, for him, for love you would be happy where ever you both lay your hat.

And, really that's the bottom line.

If your dream is the big smoke, adventure, working in that environment, going out...Then are you really ready for marriage? Or have you not completed your own dreams yet.