A question about dating someone you're not attracted to

**Magnetism** · 10-31-2011 01:45 PM

I feel bad for asking this question and I don't want to seem as if I'm putting people down. The people that usually like me are the ones that I'm not into. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I also can't see myself getting intimate with them. A relationship without attraction and chemistry is like a friendship, IMO.

Some people say to just date someone that's not your type, because you might be passing up a good person. The people I have been wildly attracted to weren't the right ones for me as I got to know them, like the person I just broke up with.

A few years ago, I did go out on dates with people that weren't my type physically. After a few dates, I ended it because I didn't feel a spark. I know 2 guys that would marry me in a heartbeat, but the lack of attraction makes me reluctant. One of these men is 13 years older than me, which is too much for me. But, he's so nuts about me, which is flattering.

I don't know if I should wait for someone that I like both physically and emotionally, or just try to give guys that I'm not into a chance.

**angelstrawberry** · 10-31-2011 02:12 PM

I dont think you should settle. Maybe your standards shouldn't be so strict. You dont want to be so superficial because after being with a person for a while looks matter much less. But you should be atleast somewhat attracted to them. If youre still not attracted to the guy after getting to know him I would not consider a relationship

**Magnetism** · 10-31-2011 02:19 PM

Originally Posted by angelstrawberry

I dont think you should settle. Maybe your standards shouldn't be so strict. You dont want to be so superficial because after being with a person for a while looks matter much less. But you should be atleast somewhat attracted to them. If youre still not attracted to the guy after getting to know him I would not consider a relationship

What do you consider strict standards? I don't expect the guy to look like a celebrity, but I usually prefer guys around my age. A 10 year age difference (which is how old a lot of men hit on me are) makes me feel like I'm dating a dad. I also like guys that are at least taller than me (I'm 5'5). I'm fine with an average body type, as long as it's healthy and proportioned. I've liked men that looked dramatically different from each other, but the attraction was still there.

It's just like men preferring women of a certain body type, certain hair color, etc. If men can have preferences, why can't women?

Apart from looks, there obviously has to be falling in love and the emotional attraction. When I was younger, I would try to oversee looks, but realized that my relationships failed due to the lack of attraction.

**KMonte85** · 10-31-2011 02:51 PM

There has to be some amount of physical attraction. If you like a person, but can't even think about kissing them without gagging, then the chances a relationship would ever work is pretty slim. There are people in this world who's personality and company we enjoy, but we just aren't sexually attracted to them - we call these people friends.

As long as your criteria isn't SO specific that you're in danger of ruling out the vast majority of men. You know... he must be 6'2", no more than 220 lbs no less than 180, brown hair, green eyes, and no tattoos. But being attracted to someone in your age range, your height or more, with a healthy build isn't asking too much in my opinion. There are lots of men who fit this criteria.

Your older friend sounds like he is a lovely person, but if you're just not sexually attracted to him it would never work. You should never have to "force" intimacy (hugging, kissing, sex, and everything in between) with your significant other. And if you can't see that happening with him because of the lack of attraction, then you two are meant to be exactly what you are now, friends only.

**Magnetism** · 10-31-2011 02:55 PM

Kmonte-If he were my age, then I could see myself being attracted to him. I'm 28, and he's 41. My mom's in her 50's. Some young women are comfortable with dating older men, but I'm not one of them. I would prefer someone in their late 20's, or early 30's.

**Magnetism** · 10-31-2011 03:09 PM

Also, how do you tell if a guy is out of your league? Someone said that the guys that hit on you are the ones that are your level? I don't feel comfortable posting my picture on here, but my ex from 2007 said that I go for guys out of my league and that I'm going to have to accept that I'm not pretty enough for the people that I'm attracted to. My most recent partner was someone I was attracted to and he was attracted to me, but sadly there were deal breaker qualities.

**Magnetism** · 10-31-2011 04:14 PM

Please ignore my last post, because it sounds um..lame. Sorry I'm having a bad day.

**KMonte85** · 11-01-2011 06:41 AM

I'm like you Panera, I am not attracted to older men either. Are there older men whom I consider handsome? Yes, but that is different than attraction. So what? There are plenty of gent's in your age range who are single. You just have to go out there and find someone who sparks your interest, if and when you're ready for that.

And don't let anyone EVER tell you you're not pretty enough. Anyone who would say something like that is ugly on the inside, jealous, insecure... and are trying to drag you down to their level.

**Magnetism** · 11-01-2011 09:31 AM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

I'm like you Panera, I am not attracted to older men either. Are there older men whom I consider handsome? Yes, but that is different than attraction. So what? There are plenty of gent's in your age range who are single. You just have to go out there and find someone who sparks your interest, if and when you're ready for that.

And don't let anyone EVER tell you you're not pretty enough. Anyone who would say something like that is ugly on the inside, jealous, insecure... and are trying to drag you down to their level.

It's not just physical attraction, but also being realistic about health issues, common interests, common viewpoints and having kids. My parents are 11 years apart. My step-dad is already having signs of dementia, heart issues, and has slowed down in general. My mom is still in great health and very vivacious. She would joke to me "This is why you don't marry an older man".

I also would prefer someone with a similar level of education, which I don't think is unreasonable. While there's nothing wrong with not going to college or having a blue-collar job, I would see more eye-to-eye with someone that shares my work ethic values.

I'm not quite ready to start dating now, but after breaking up with someone..you feel like you're at square one.

**KMonte85** · 11-01-2011 10:00 AM

Originally Posted by PaneraBread

It's not just physical attraction, but also being realistic about health issues, common interests, common viewpoints and having kids. My parents are 11 years apart. My step-dad is already having signs of dementia, heart issues, and has slowed down in general. My mom is still in great health and very vivacious. She would joke to me "This is why you don't marry an older man".

Long term health problems down the road is not a given. My father is 13 years older than my mother, but SHE is the one who is disabled, needs to use a walker, is nearing a point where she'll have to be attached to an oxygen tank. My father can run circles around her, goes to the gym twice a week, does all the house and yardwork, etc. While a person's health does deteriorate with age, there is a lot more to it than just age alone.

Likewise, people of different generations (older and younger) can and do have similar interests, viewpoints, and opinions about children as you. Determining someone's life philosophies and viewpoints can't be made until you've really gotten to know that person. Assuming someone won't like the same things you do based on their age is ageism. Be careful of that! You could miss out on a lot of relationships (friendships and more) if your only reason for not getting to know someone is you believe because of their age, they won't share the same interests or goals in life.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date yet. I think you're making a great decision for yourself to stay single for a while. Far too many people relationship hop, and so they never take the time to look at why their relationships ended, what can be learned from it, and getting to know themselves and be comfortable with themselves before moving on and finding someone new. Taking some time off of dating for you is wonderful! It allows you to focus on yourself - what you want. Take some time to pamper yourself a bit

Originally Posted by PaneraBread

While there's nothing wrong with not going to college or having a blue-collar job, I would see more eye-to-eye with someone that shares my work ethic values.

Not quite sure what you mean by this? Work ethic values?