online dating - are these red flags or should I just ignore for now?

**Amber** · 11-05-2011 08:47 AM

I'm going to go on a first date next week with this guy. We had a conversation before hand on the phone. There were a few things he said that make me wonder. Are these stuff red flags that should make me wonder or should I just go on the date and ignore the stuff for now?

He is Asian. He asked me if I mind that he was Asian. I said no, I don't mind at all which is true. He says that when he goes into a bar or somewhere in the city, he feels sometimes uncomfortable because he is the only Asian there. I know enough Asian to make me wonder how exactly accurate that is but I said nothing. Then I told him about an online guy that I emailed for a bit a few years ago. I said he is black and my mother tried to dissuade me from emailing him. I told him I ended stopping. He said because my mother told me to. I said no, I don't listen to my mother like that. I stopped with that guy because I just didn't like him period for other reasons. i'm not prejudice. He then says how there are no black in the city. I was thinking WTF. There are plenty in the city near me and even in the bar areas. Well, I think in the bar areas. He then said he has never dated an Asian woman because he has never had an opportunity to do so.

What do you think, is he too caught up in racism?

Next thing he said that gets me to wonder. He got involved with this woman so much that they were heading towards marriage. He bought a house for them and she wanted to pay for part of the mortgage. He said no, he is too old fashion and that he would let her pay for the utilities but he was the one to pay the mortgage. She ended up moving out on him. WTF, I wonder. How I feel about that I don't know but I wonder how old fashion he is in other ways.

He is looking through my profile and he asks what do I think about guys with children. He has none. I said that is a hard one because I'm sort of on the fence with that one. I'm not sure exactly what I think, to be honest. But he said he doesn't think someone with a child should date someone who doesn't have a child. It is not fair for the child to have to see their parent dating someone else. He said that if both of the people had their own children and then started dating, that would be different. I kept my mouth shut because I didn't know what to say.

What do you think about this guy. Date is coming up. How many of those things are red flags and how many are ok to just ignore for a bit?

**Claret** · 11-05-2011 09:55 AM

All I'd like to say is, if you are uncomfortable with him just over the phone, how are you going to feel when you meet in person. If his "issues" become more to the front point when you are together, how are you going to feel? I think sometimes we need to listen to our inner voice and follow what that voice says. If you feel there are red flags now, there will probably be more down the road. Maybe just cut your losses and meet someone with whom you will be completely at ease.

**Little** · 11-05-2011 11:00 AM

Agreeing with Claret here. He's already expressing opinions that make you uncomfortable before you even meet him. He's supposed to still be putting up his "best face," but he's throwing a bunch of BIG insecurities at you. If this is his best face ... I'd run and hide!

He also seems to have some strange ideas about the roles of women and men. You could call them old fashioned or you could call them domineering. I suspect that when he says it would be unfair for children to see their PARENTS dating others, he's really thinking about the mothers.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-05-2011 03:15 PM

To me, any guy that talks about children, houses, finances "before" you've even gone on a date?

Has alot of baggage...that's not dating, that's trying to tick boxes, way, way, way, too early...You have to fit some sort of criteria? What about getting to know you? Falling for you? Then discussion likes and dis-likes, common grounds, core beliefs, like after a few dates.

Baggage ...

**Amber** · 11-05-2011 03:47 PM

Thanks for the advise. I was a little leary there but needed a second opinion to make sure I wasn't overacting. I just took the chicken way out and emailed him, canceling the date. I could have called his cell but then guys sometimes try to argue on why you are canceling.

I don't like the way he brought up the racist remarks. Something I forgot to add before, when I mentioned the black guy, he made a comment about how you see very few mix race couples in my state. Like something was wrong with it. I'm definitely not prejudice and it gets me how someone can so openly make comments like the ones he did. Especially on the first phone call.

CW, don't you just love it. lol That is what happens with online dating. They make you list too many facts about yourself and makes things so awkward at times. It makes things complicated at times also because you find yourself maybe shutting out a guy because of some stupid fact on his profile. So unnatural way of meeting.

Sometimes the guy just hangs himself. My last date, it was a first date, I ask him about his job. He turned that conversation into his ex-wife, alimony he pays, his disfunctional family, how he only tolerates cats (I have two), how he is not looking to get married any time soon and doesn't want to be rushed so he could give me a kid. How he has no real social life. I think a few other things but i forget. My mouth was practically hanging open. lol

I have on my profile that I love to laugh and want a guy who is down to earth enough to relax and just joke around. And this is the kind of boring scumbags I get. Pathetic!!

**foxdana** · 11-05-2011 05:12 PM

I think you did the right thing cancelling the date Amber, I have tried online dating too and found that listening to your gut is the best thing you can do. And I very much agree with your comment that online dating is an unnatural way of meeting, I felt that very strongly too.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-06-2011 01:23 AM

Lol's yeah well if you recall I did a thread back in 2007 about Online dating for "older women"..One of my first threads...

I'm going to say this.

When we "aren't ready" to start again we spend some time on our own..Often we don't worry about dressing up, putting make-up on, go out much...We need "me time"...What we forget though is exactly that..Feeling special, dressing up and going wow... Putting on some make up and feeling feminine....

So, in everything there is a positive...

You get to get dressed up, look at yourself and see the femininity, there is a small "hope" which is a good feeling.. You get to put lipstick on and realise your own inner/outer beauty..You get to communicate with the opposite sex, so you don't "lose the art of communication with the opposite sex", you get to go home LYAO, at the stupidity of their attempt to date, or the alternative motive to date, get ya into bed, yeah na

Where ever we go, it's a 1 off that we meet someone that is exactly what we are after, for the most part it will always be when we least expect it...

But, there is still that 1 off chance he's part of on-line dating, nieve, no baggage and is the same as you, trying...

So, embrass it, just know the percentages and use all those positives about it including coming home laughing because it means you have grown and become even more assertive as you pick up exactly what went down.

**Amber** · 11-06-2011 11:32 AM

CW, I understand what you are saying. I guess after being at this for a few months now, sometimes I find myself forcing to go on the dates because the emailing or phone call was ok but nothing exciting. But I go on the date and try to make the best of it because you never really know. And it turns out to be a dud.

It gets discouraging after a while when you go through one guy after another.

But I haven't given up yet. I'm still looking for the right one and I guess just trying look at it as you put it, could help me try to stay positive on it all. Thanks!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-06-2011 01:16 PM

Well I figured, the more you let them write, the more interesting or fun it sounds and so works up, the date...Then when you get to meet them, they are different than their photo portrayed, older than their said age, and can't talk for jack shirt as they could in writing, why wouldn't anyone be disappointed in that?

The internet people often hide behind on sites like that and can't be their true selves, they instead feel that they have to "act"...

Just never walk out the door expecting the same person you met via the written word, I wouldn't give out my number at all, no matter what, until the date was a success and turned into a second date, you don't know what crazy people are out there and you don't want a stalker breathing heavy down the phone on you waking you up at 1am every morning hun

**Little** · 11-06-2011 01:33 PM

Think of it this way: you're giving another human being a fair shot when they haven't given you fair reason not to. (But not giving them a shot if they present a good reason to skip

) Might ease your disappointment a little.