Friends and more than friends...ADVICE

**ak48** · 11-09-2011 02:41 PM

Met a guy over 5 months ago and we started hanging out as friends... we have a lot of similarities and interests... such as sport and food and movies and we get along really well.

As friends, he flirted a lot and there were times i was confused but i ignored it. A month back, he asked me out on a date and he was very sweet through it. The week after that he kissed me and it became a lil more official but we decided not to tell anyone about it. everyone thought we were still just friends including my folks (i live at home).
Eventually I wanted them to know cos we live in a little town and its hard to hide thses things for long and they rather find out from me than someone else.

Other issue was that I've never been intimate with a guy before and kept pushing to take things a lil slow cos we're friends and i really like him. He likes things to happen fast if he's really into someone. I was worried it was going to jepoardise our friendship cos i had no indication of whether i was just a casual fling cos of his urgency with getting intimate or whether he genuinely wanted this. Things got a lil patchy at times as we never talked about it openly.

Unexpectedly, i had to go overseas and were apart for 3weeks... so we decided that it was better to stay friends but i did want to give it a go when i got back. he said he'd think about it... there was no talk of anything and 3 weeks later when i returned, he tells me he's dating someone else. I had my hopes up that we would give it another go.

Why do i feel so betrayed? Like i didnt matter? Its sounds like his new girl is a fling cos she's only around for a while. but he wants things to go back to normal with us like b4 we dated cos we have an awesome friendship... im not over him and dont like the idea of him with someone else..He is younger in age and is lost about what he wants in life. I feel like he didnt care about how id feel. i didnt mean anything to him while we dated and going back to being friends is hard for me while he is dating that girl. HOw do i get over this? is it smart to go back to being friends since it was just a month.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-09-2011 03:54 PM

Honey, boys will be boys but, a true friend does not try to cross the boundary, push the boundary for self gain, that being intimacy from you, when you are not ready..

The fact that he stated "I'll think about it" to me, means that he perhaps did betray you, he perhaps was keen on sleeping with you, or getting something for himself, he moved on, because he is getting that from this other girl..

So ask yourself, was it really an awesome friendship? Is this someone you can really "trust"?

I think, be assertive, know what just occured and don't go back as friends, why? He will not back you up if anything ever happened, he's young and just wants to play around, whilst he may have thought you two could have hit it off, it wasn't going to happen in his eyes unless you gave up...

Again, that's selfish, non-understanding of needs, non-understanding of relationships, so you really are better off hun.

**ak48** · 11-09-2011 06:27 PM

but it was only a month... isnt it too early to make that decision? If it was strictly freindsship limited to when at a social gatehring... cos we have a few common friends... none of them know that we were dating either.. it would seem weird if I stopped hanging out with my friends cos of him.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-09-2011 10:25 PM

Well get over him emotionally and realise that he didn't want to continue, he wanted you to be intimate but didn't like that you weren't, maybe he thinks you weren't attracted to him? Or maybe he realised you weren't going to do anything.

It' okay to be friends honey, I just don't like it when boys play a game and hurt someone, you know?

Keep your heart to your chest.

CW

**Goosey** · 11-09-2011 10:49 PM

I don't necessarily think he betrayed you, but I don't think he's the type of guy I'd want to be with long term. Sounds like he's a good friend, but not so loyal as more than that.

I actually had a great friend of mine, who was an amazing friend. Then we became a little more -- and the same thing happened. And he wasn't such a good guy to date (even though he seemed to be initially). Still is a great friend. But maybe that's all he should be.

**ak48** · 11-10-2011 02:24 PM

It was not good timing when we decided to start dating. I did want to get more intimate with him... just wanted it a lil slower since i'd never done any of it before n kinda felt like an idiot at times. I wouldnt have been with him if I wasnt attracted to him but i may not have vocalised it. He never pressured me to do anything i didnt feel ok with. He felt i wasnt ready and that we're better off being friends. I feel like he didnt wait to hear me out before dating again. and now we prolly wont have a chance to date again. I dont date much cos i cant trust guys easy... I was comfortable dating him cos we are friends and I could trust him.. Which was why i maybe wanted things to be a lil perfect when we did do it. so i feel a lil cut that he's dating someone else. i know i can get over it...but i feel like ive lost a chance and i have to put limitations to my friendship with him.. its not going to be easy wanting to just be friends...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-10-2011 02:50 PM

Well maybe that changes my thought pattern a little but not enormously..

I don't think he is ready to settle into a relationship of a "long term" effect, rather a girlfriend, boyfriend situation that he can end if he wants and move on.

I think then it's good that he didn't force anything upon you, respecting you therefore. But, he still wasn't ready to wait and that tells me, that he really wanted a relationship that was sexual as well, no teaching rather the woman doing...

The only other thing it could be is that he didn't want to take it from you, preferring to only be friends as he valued the friendship and if that's the case, that's a nice thing for him to do

If I was you? I'd actually bring it up, and ask him, pose those questions so you know the answer.

It sounds as if though that you really would love to be in a relationship, that you are ready to be in one in all aspects, but you don't want to "choose" the wrong guy the one that then walks away after.

Just do what you are doing when dating in any event, hold off because if it's you, the person, inside they love, they will wait until you are ready, then you don't have to fear okay.

**ak48** · 11-10-2011 03:18 PM

He was in a 3yr relationship and broke it off a few yrs ago.. From what i understand, it was a lil difficult as his ex was very possessive about who he hung out with, she needed to know who he was with every moment and didnt like him talking to other girls. He has dated since then but nothing's been more than a few months.

At the start, when i told him about not being experienced, he was very patient and would 'teach' me what to do. But if i hesitated, he would have this look on his face like he was thinking it thru. I had told him that i was a lil unsure and that it would help not doing it at least for the first month.. i didnt want to seem like i was too easy.

The other thing is the friendship does matter to both of us at the moment. but it isnt going to last... we're both want to move away at some stage with work. this friendship is on while we still live in the same city... after which we're most likely not going to keep in touch.. so deep down, i do wanna give it another go with him later at some stage. Cos even as friends, i felt there was always this attraction/tension of some sort... He says there wasnt... but when we'd be around each other, people would always pick on it. So i have this feeling even if we went back to being friends, its never just going to be friends.. unless he's made up his mind for good. Is it wrong to feel that? s

**ak48** · 11-13-2011 03:41 PM

we had a chat and discussed things. he felt that I was not ready for this relationship. He got the idea that I needed time and my own space at this stage. It was never about the sex and he was willing to take it at my pace. We are going to work on being friends because we both miss each other. Hard part if is seeing him with someone else and trying to look past how i feel for him. He says he's still attracted to me but this new girl is nice and he wants to give it a go with her. Im the only person he can open up to without any heistation and he doesnt want to lose that right now. I feel the same way... he takes time (like 6months or so) to decide what he wants in a realtionship and felt i needed something a lil more set to feel this was good. I just hope we're not giving up the chance for something when we have a good connection and we could be great together. We both agreed that if things are diff in the future (provided we still live in teh same town and feel the same way), we might give things another chance. Should I still wait a lil while before going back to hanging out as friends?