Think I need a break (or breakup)

**GnR** · 11-22-2011 07:50 AM

Gosh, I don't even know where to start. Honestly, my relationship is going downhill FAST.

I'm currently 20, my boyfriend is 21. We met at college (12hrs away from home for both of us), have been dating for over 2 years now, and have lived together for about a year and a half. In retrospect we probably should not be living together, but hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it? :P

Since he has turned 21 a couple months ago it's just been a downward spiral. His mom is a severe alcoholic who has been sober for a year now, but his whole childhood he was raised by a serious drunk. This has caused many many issues in his life, and honestly I feel bad for him. At this point in his life his dad isn't talking to him at all and I can tell he's very hurt by it. I just feel awful for him. Despite seeing the effects of alcohol on him mom he has become a typical college binge drinker, which just makes him a straight up .

My boyfriend is a bully, but only to me. He is cool as a cucumber to everyone else he's around, but when it's just him and me I'm a nag, , annoying, lazy (despite the fact that I'm the only one who cleans our apartment!), etc. It's infuriating. He just called me a psycho the other day because I wanted to talk to him (wtf?).

I know that this isn't right, and obviously I don't appreciate being treated like this. Most of the time I just put up with it because I'm just not a confrontational person. I love him and care about him and put up with it for no good reason. I know it's wrong, but I still just deal with it. WHY?!

Well, I'm really starting to get sick of his . Since friday I have been staying at my parents house (like I said 12hrs away) for Thanksgiving and he has just been out of control. He has made absolutely no effort to talk to me since I've left, he hasn't attempted to call me, and when I call him he gets annoying and says I'm nagging him. Right, because calling to talk to for 5 minutes a day makes me a nag?! Come on. On top of that every time I have actually called him he has either been too busy to talk because he's with his friends, or too drunk to understand.

He made me furious on sunday night, I called him and he said he was busy and said he would call me 2hrs later. He never called me, of course. so I called him 5hrs later and asked him what was up and why he didn't call me. Why didn't he call me? Because he didn't feel like it! And then he started whining about how he was too tired to talk to me then. I really don't think that's asking for much, is it? To want my boyfriend to talk to me once a day? Shouldn't he want to do that on his own?

And of course on top of all of this he never says anything nice to me, never does anything nice for me, just generally acts like I'm worthless. He has no life goals, doesn't like to pay his bills, doesn't care about school. It's like I'm living with someone with the mental capacity of a toddler. But what makes me so sad is that when we first met, he was so goal oriented, wanted a career, smart, handsome, full of life. It's like he just gave up.

I'm just effing sick of it and really needed a rant lol. He clearly doesn't care about me at all, so what the am I sticking around for?

**Darling** · 11-22-2011 08:05 AM

Are you waiting on him to change?

Will you be able to find a new place to stay, or be able to tell him to leave?

It seems like he has faced his demons and lost. Sometimes you have to let go of the ones you love go. He seems to have let go of you.
I think you are 100 % right that he should want to talk to you, that you should be treated better, and that you are in need of a break. But remember a break in a relationship can leave you broken hearted. If you leave I would make sure he knows every reason.
Clearly you love him and you are a smart woman, you don't deserve to be treated this way. I feel it will only get worse unless you can confront him with how you feel. As you said he doesn't listen so I think the next step is to tell him your leaving or he's leaving and give him your reasons.

Good luck

**KMonte85** · 11-22-2011 08:45 AM

I find it so odd that a man who was once very motivated and goal oriented has now turned into a mean, lazy drunk. Seems as though he's fighting something internally and doesn't know how to deal with it, so he turns to booze and lashes out at you. It's sad, but that is NO justification for treating you the way he has been. Having issues and dealing with a bad childhood is not an excuse for behaving so terribly to the people you're supposed to love most. You are not a nag for wanting to chat with him for a few minutes a day while you're apart. You're absolutely right that he is bullying you.. and why? Because you're nonconfrontational so he knows he can without any backlash.

I don't know why you've stuck around as long as you have if this has been going on for a few months already. You asked a very good question: "what am I sticking around for?"

Do you have a good answer to that? Is there really any reason whatsoever to stick around with a man who treats you like you're some annoying gnat buzzing in his ear?

Hun, I know it's tough to speak up when you're not the type to do so, but it is time to stick up for yourself, get confrontational, and tell him that his behavior the last few months is completely out of line, you're sick of it, you don't deserve it, and it's time you part ways.

**GnR** · 11-22-2011 02:30 PM

Thanks ladies.

I think I am waiting for him to change, I've basically begged for change. I think if we do break up he would be more than willing to leave since he's so stubborn. He'd probably be out in a night just to try and prove something to me lol.

I am very sad about this though, I love him very much regardless of the he has put me though. I just can't help but wish I could have the old him back! He was so sweet... what the happened?

I wish I could grow some balls and tell him off, but I get the feeling that won't do anything. He hasn't listened to me when I nicely asked him to change, he's probably not going to listen to me if I freak out on him. I wish he could just realize what a pathetic person he has become, and actually want and make some changes.

So many wishes in this post that I know will never come true...

**KMonte85** · 11-22-2011 02:50 PM

I'm sure you love him, but what you are in love with is the old him. You are with a different person now. And all the wishing in the world isn't going to bring his old personality back.

At this point, all you can do is control how you react to it. Do you stay and put up with it? Put up with being nothing more than an annoyance and an emotional punching bag? Or are you going to stand up for yourself?

You say he won't listen if you get stern because he doesn't listen when you ask nicely. I doubt that. As long as you act like his behavior is no big deal by being nice, he's going to keep behaving that way because he thinks it's no big deal either. Ever see a frustrated mother ask nicely for her children to stop misbehaving after a few warnings? Ever see a drill seargent ask his recruits to kindly do a few pushups? Ever see a teacher sweetly profess their frustration to unruly, misbehaving students? No. What gets them to listen, then? Being stern. Being assertive. Knowing that you're right and that the behavior of the other person is out of line. I'm not saying you to go off on him and tell him to GTFO. I'm saying you to assert yourself, quit being a doormat, stop asking and start telling. This is your boyfriend, this is the guy who's supposed to love you and make you feel like you're an important part of his life, and he's acting like a spoiled 5 year old who goes between throwing a tantrum and ugly insults, and giving you the silent treatment.

Wishing is so passive. You can't make wishes happen, so it's time to DO something if you want change to come about.