participating in emotional infidelity? dilemma!

**stella5** · 12-07-2011 06:36 AM

Hi y'all!

I will try to keep this brief - I'm afraid I might be the "other woman" in a situation of emotional infidelity and I'm not sure what my moral obligations are.

I was with this guy for about a year. We broke up because of geography (I moved to a different continent). Before dating me, he had been in a serious relationship with someone for six years. He was still in touch with her while he was with me, which bothered me but I always knew I was leaving and the relationship wouldn't last so I let it slide, especially since they were also geographically separated so I knew there couldn't be any physical cheating. It still felt bad to know about, but anyway. A year after we broke up, he moved back where she is and they got back together. Now here is my question:

He and I were always really close, we were very emotionally open about things and that didn't end after I left. he still confides in me, talks to me about deep stuff - basically he still talks to me like I'm his supportive girlfriend except I'm not. He can still be flirtatious sometimes too. He has said over and over that he always thinks about how things would have worked out if we had been in the same place. When I told him about my new guy, he straight up told me it made him too jealous to talk about. I had told him about the new guy to make boundaries clear. He always says he loves me etc. etc. I know that he and I will never get back together, and I love and value him as a friend. But i feel really really guilty because of his girlfriend. If I were her, I would be destroyed to know that my boyfriend was talking to another girl this way. It's also part of why I would never get back together with him - I'm sure he was saying the same things to her while he was with me. The question is - what is my moral obligation in this situation? Should I cut off what I otherwise consider to be a good friendship because I think it is unfair to her (although she didn't extend that same courtesy to me when he was mine)? Or is their relationship none of my business? Is it unhealthy to have this much contact with an ex? He is still such a supportive person, and mostly his messages are just friendly.

Thanks!

**KMonte85** · 12-07-2011 07:39 AM

I think it is time you set boundaries with your friend. If you truly love and value your friendship, it is time to tell him that he needs to take a step back because you're both in relationships and the "girlfriend talk" needs to stop.

You mention how destroyed you would be if you were his girlfriend and found out he was talking to another woman that way, but there's another way to look at this too. What do you think the man you are with now would think about your conversations with your ex? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be happy to know that some other man (an exboyfriend, to add insult to injury) is speaking to you in such an intimate way, and even though you may bot be reciprocating, you're letting him go too far.

You wouldn't be writing here if you didn't think it was inappropriate. So tell your ex that. Set some new boundaries with him, and keep conversations to subjects that you are comfortable with, and you think his girlfriend and your boyfriend would be comfortable with as well. If he can't do that, then it is time ti reevaluate whether your friendship with him is worth complicating your romantic relationships.

**stella5** · 12-07-2011 11:00 PM

THank you KMonte85!

You make some excellent points. My new guy definitely knows about the situation, I've been very transparent about it. He's been very understanding, especially since I've shown him my responses to emails so he knows that on my side I'm really trying not to cross into any territory of being emotionally unfaithful myself. It's a dangerous line though, I definitely don't want to put my new situation in jeopardy for the last one. I guess I needed to write this out to actually see it for what it is, thank you for your input.

In a more general sense, what do you think constitutes emotional infidelity? At what point do you have a friend/confidant of the other sex, and at what point does that become emotional infidelity?

**KMonte85** · 12-08-2011 06:49 AM

It really seems to depend on each individual person. To me, when the alarms start going off in your head that something is getting a bit weird, that is your gut telling you the friendship is veering into dangerous territory. There's also the comfort level of your significant other with your friendship (given that they are well-rounded and stable, not the crazy, insecure/jealous type).

**BabyGirl** · 12-08-2011 08:42 PM

Emotional " Infidelity " is when you can No longer Find the Connection with your S/O. Can no longer discuss ( not fight ).. No longer Ask, No longer feel you can solve problems with YOUR S/O.

And you start seeking that from others ( not including Therapists or Shrinks ). You become dependent on them , their Advice, their sensitivity, their " side ".
Having been one myself , ( Emotional Mistress ) that led to physical, but not complete Sexual, Mistress.

You can get caught up, in helping, being there, meeting or talking and soon you are a " Partner " with them .

With your situation, Friend, Ex, Old or new. Best thing to do is , Offer the Advice and Listening to him, From Yourself and Your New Guy. As Partners trying to help him ..
Just like on here, we have Men and Women, that give Advise or Share experiences.
And yes, some of us are " Emotionally Dependent " on this site or Members in this site.

Infidelity ? Maybe we can be defined as that. every time we take or ask another's advise instead of our Own S/O.

It is the Involvement that can trap us. It is good to try and help others, but not to the point that we can distance from those Located in our Real Life, the ones we can Hold, Hug, Love.. And hopefully talk with Honestly .

One of the easiest things you can do with your Ex, Is always say " We are here for you as a Friend " We meaning myself and My ( fill in Blank ) B/F. S/O. Lover, New Squeeze .
Share The New and wonderful things about your new Guy, not Drippy, in your face things, but smiles or how you can talk, how you found each other .

Have you & S/O ask him to share his new things, Make it a 4 some, 2 couples sharing , when problems come up.

**CRM** · 12-10-2011 01:50 PM

All I saw was emotional infidelity, and I had to reply. My family has gone through the effects of infidelity this year, because my mom had an affair on my dad. AND IT STARTED AS EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY. It doesn't matter the circumstance. It doesn't matter if you're best friends. It doesn't matter if you love them. It's not fair to anyone involved. Not trying to be mean at all. But it really is a selfish thing. ALSO, if this person you are experiencing an emotional connection with had any kind of respect for others or character, they wouldn't put another person through the kind of pain that infidelity causes. You need to draw a line, make him aware of this line, AND NEVER CROSS IT as long as both of you are not single. I'm sorry if that is difficult, but it is the most unselfish, responsible thing for a person in your situation to do. You would regret putting someone through hurt, you would never regret saving them from it.

**jns** · 12-11-2011 05:01 AM

Originally Posted by stella5

Hi y'all!

I will try to keep this brief - I'm afraid I might be the "other woman" in a situation of emotional infidelity and I'm not sure what my moral obligations are.

I was with this guy for about a year. We broke up because of geography (I moved to a different continent). Before dating me, he had been in a serious relationship with someone for six years. He was still in touch with her while he was with me, which bothered me but I always knew I was leaving and the relationship wouldn't last so I let it slide, especially since they were also geographically separated so I knew there couldn't be any physical cheating. It still felt bad to know about, but anyway. A year after we broke up, he moved back where she is and they got back together. Now here is my question:

He and I were always really close, we were very emotionally open about things and that didn't end after I left. he still confides in me, talks to me about deep stuff - basically he still talks to me like I'm his supportive girlfriend except I'm not. He can still be flirtatious sometimes too. He has said over and over that he always thinks about how things would have worked out if we had been in the same place. When I told him about my new guy, he straight up told me it made him too jealous to talk about. I had told him about the new guy to make boundaries clear. He always says he loves me etc. etc. I know that he and I will never get back together, and I love and value him as a friend. But i feel really really guilty because of his girlfriend. If I were her, I would be destroyed to know that my boyfriend was talking to another girl this way. It's also part of why I would never get back together with him - I'm sure he was saying the same things to her while he was with me. The question is - what is my moral obligation in this situation? Should I cut off what I otherwise consider to be a good friendship because I think it is unfair to her (although she didn't extend that same courtesy to me when he was mine)? Or is their relationship none of my business? Is it unhealthy to have this much contact with an ex? He is still such a supportive person, and mostly his messages are just friendly.

Thanks!

If your relationship with him is making you feel guilty, cut off the relationship. Or go to her to get her blessing to continue with your conversations so you no longer feel guilty.

**stella5** · 12-12-2011 01:39 AM

Thanks everyone for your input! Writing this out and hearing from y'all has been very helpful to me!

It's a difficult situation because he has always been someone who was there for me when nobody else was. He stood by me in one of the most difficult years of my life, and I believe that while it would be a disaster to end up with him romantically (and it won't happen) he's an amazing friend in every way except the lingering inappropriate connection. It's one of those things where you've been through so much together that someone is like family.

CRM, I'm really sorry about what you went through. That is a terrible experience, and it must have been a really difficult thing for your whole family to go through. This case is not the same though. I have zero desire to be with him. If he called me today and said he wanted to leave her and be with me, I would tell him he'd lost his mind. There is ZERO chance of that happening. If anything, I have completely lost whatever romantic attraction I had to him because of this behavior - it holds true that what a man will do to another woman he will do with you. Call me jaded, but I really believe that the moment you start hearing yourself say "but with me he's different", you're in trouble. I would never feel safe and secure in a relationship with him. But as a FRIEND he is amazing. I love him for who he is and vice versa. You know that short list of people in your life who you know would jump up and be there for you NO MATTER WHAT? He's on that list. As a boyfriend he was not the best though. There were other elements of the relationship that wouldn't have worked out at the end. Again, I'm sorry about what happened to your family but there is zero intent on my side to get him back or be with him even if he was single. It takes two willing people to make physical infidelity happen. When I wrote the initial question, I was more in doubt about my role in it, but now I'm starting to think that as long as I make my boundaries clear and don't do anything objectionable on MY side, his behavior is HIS responsibility.

Jns...I think you've made an interesting point about getting her permission, but I don't think that's in any way feasible. The immature part of me reacts negatively to that because while he was with me, she was ACTIVELY trying to undermine our relationship (and clearly she "won" although by default - I bowed out and it had nothing to do with her) so for my pride it would be difficult to then go to her, as SHE was the "other woman" when he was mine. She has decided to hate me and I don't think there is anything I could do to convince her that I don't want her man. Her answer would most definitely be "no", and then I would REALLY feel guilty because I don't think I could cut him off. At the end of the day, is it not his responsibility to not be a jerk? To work this out with HIS girlfriend? So I can do my part not to contribute by re-drawing boundaries and refusing to respond to any of his inappropriate comments, but is it really my responsibility to make sure that their relationship is ok?

As I think this out in the process of writing in the forum, I've started to think that all I can control is my own behavior - I can make sure that I don't cross any lines (especially for the sake of my new relationship which I'm very optimistic about and would never ever want to even accidentally hurt him), but isn't his behavior his responsibility? I can tell him I think he's being a jerk and should be more thoughtful of his girlfriends' feelings etc, but at the end of the day it's never really the "other" woman is it? Just like if I mess up my new thing by being too much in contact with the old one, it's my fault, not my ex's. It's up to me to make sure that I'm on the straight and narrow with my man.

Infidelity is such a personal issue, I think we've all experienced the really painful consequences of it in our families or in our own lives. I'm not trying to statements that are 100% generalizable, but I think it's interesting in our society that we lay most of the blame on the third party, rather than on the person who is engaged in the inappropriate activity. Maybe it's easier and feels better to blame this unknown third person rather than to closely examine the person closer to us who has actually engaged in the most inappropriate activity.

**sp346** · 12-14-2011 11:12 AM

Its seems that your ex is the one committing the emotional infidelity, not you. You have no moral obligations to tell his current girlfriend.

That being said, I think you need to set clear boundaries, otherwise you are leading him on. I have found (and this is just a generalization), women are more hurt by emotional infidelity and men are more hurt by physical infidelity. Your current boyfriend and your ex may not see what is going on as a big deal, but you obviously do and there is a good chance the current girlfriend does too. You shouldn't let your ex keep telling you "I love you" without you saying that its not appropriate in your current relationsihp with him. Maybe take a break from each other for a while to let things cool off. Its difficult to get over somebody if you are constantly interacting with them.