online dating again - don't know how to react to this one!

**Amber** · 01-15-2012 08:26 AM

I know this all may sound pretty petty here but I don't know what to think. I have been online dating for close to six months now. I have dated about ten guys so far and all of them have went nowhere after one or two dates.

So I went on a first date with a guy this past Friday. And I will admit I had a good time. For a change, he was easy to talk to and he had a sense of humor, which is a must for me. We went out to dinner and after that we went to listen to a band in a bar. Well, it was pretty loud in that bar so I couldn't hear very clearly what he was saying in there.

A thing or two I know I heard right was this. His friends got him to sign up for this online dating. It wasn't his idea at all. And the way he said it, it made me question if he even was looking for a serious relationship once he found the right woman or not. Later on in an email he said he is. But something else he said within that same conversation. The thing is I'm not positive I heard him right but I want to say that I'm pretty close to sure that I heard him right. He said that he has not much spare time anyways. Between working late some times during the week night and hanging out with friends. Which he said leaves him only weekends.

Ok, if I heard that right, I'm not sure I'm very happy with that. I know right now, I have no right to ask for much time. He only met me after all. But for him to say that on the first date bothers me because that is now going on in my mind, thinking down the road. He wants to spend about two to three nights during the week with his friends. Isn't that a lot of times with his friends? To tell me that he will only make time with me during the weekend.

So he emailed me late last night about us meeting up for a second date next Saturday. The same band that we heard the other night is playing again at another place. That band was pretty loud. Do I want to hear them again, I don't really know. He said to meet for dinner beforehand. But the thing is I had a book club event on Saturday afternoon. And I don't have as many friends as he does and that is the only thing I have planned all month. Do I give that up for him, so I can make sure I meet him on time for dinner? After hearing what I think he said about having to give his time to his friends during the week, I'm not sure I want to give that up. If I hadn't heard that comment, I would have given up my only day with friends for him. But now I don't really know if I want to.

Another thing, I had been talking to more than one guy at a time online and right now he happens to be the only one. I hide my profiles for him because he thinks dating more than one guy at a time is playing the field. But I'm not sure I want to even limit myself to this guy only. Things would have been a whole lot better if I hadn't heard him say that but I did and now it is bothering me. What would you guys do? Do I ask him if I heard him right? But I'm thinking that may sound really needy. Because right now I don't expect that much attention from him. It is way too soon. But I can't help but think how he will treat things later on down the road if he can make that comment. I definitely believe in having time for friends. But all his free time during the week. Isn't that pushing it?

Would you give this guy another chance? We did have a pretty good time otherwise the other night. But still this bothers me. Would you ask him if I heard him right or do I just try to forget about what he said? Or do I say I'm not free Saturday and make him pick a week night, if he wants to see me this week? Sunday probably won't work either because I'm not missing the Patriots game. Maybe I should watch the game with him but I want to pay attention to that and not be distracted by someone. lol I love football.

And to be honest, I'm not sure I want to hear that band again. At least not that soon. It was too loud. Do I tell him this? I guess he has seen this band before and actually knows some of the people in that band. So I don't want to offend him by saying they were too loud.

I don't know what to think. I know I'm so great at blowing things out of proportions but I can't help it.

In the email he said to call him today. I haven't decided if I am or not.

**jns** · 01-15-2012 08:47 AM

As for the Patriots, he will have to show he is a fan too or it probably won't work out (how about that crushing of Denver?). He doesn't sound really serious, but it may take time for him to become so. What you are asking is for him to drop some long standing situations in his life for you. If he and you were a couple, I would say he should do that to a large degree, but leave a little for himself. As for your book club event, just like him, you should not have to drop a long standing situation and if you have only one, should continue with it even if you were a couple. Just like you having to accommodate his schedule, he should happily accommodate yours. I would test him on Sunday and see if he truly is a Patriots fan.

**Claret** · 01-15-2012 08:57 AM

Why can you not go to your book club event in the afternoon, excuse yourself and meet this person for the dinner date? My take on his situation is that he has let you know that he has a fairly active social life. You will either fit into that life or always be a separate part squeezed in whenever he feels he has time. As he has asked you to see this band a second time, and you seem to think he knows people in it, he is asking you to fit into an evening with his friends or acquaintances. He's not leaving you out, he is including you.
It is so early in the dating scheme to be proprietary of his time and his friends and outings. Take a step back, be his friend rather than a girlfriend, go out, enjoy yourself on that basis.

**Amber** · 01-15-2012 09:04 AM

JNS, he says he is a Patriots fan. But when I saw him Friday night, he told me was going to a comedy show last night with friends. They had got special tickets for it about a year ago. Ok, so they were tickets planned way in advance but to give up watching the Patriots playoff game?? Really? lol It makes me doubt if he really is a Patriots fan!!!! Well I told him to have fun but I will be glued to a TV. And I was and what a game!!!!! It was so much fun to watch.

We finally won a playoff game after four years!!! I was getting greedy there and wanted more than 45 points but 45 points will do. lol

Patriot talk is getting me off course here. lol I know just after one date that I can't expect him to give up seeing his friends. I wouldn't never expect him to. But I can't help but thinking ahead and wondering if he would have the same kind of mindset down the road. But at the same time, you're right, I shouldn't give up my book club event for him. As for watching the game with him. There is no way I'm going to go to his house or let him come to mine. So that leaves the bars. I wonder if there is a way to squeeze yourself into any bar next Sunday. I would think they would be insanely crowded!!! That's New England fans for you.

I'm not sure I'm in the mood for talking on the phone with him. We have always just emailed in the past. I might just email him again.

**Amber** · 01-15-2012 09:10 AM

So Claret, you're saying with a guy like this, either see if I can fit myself into his schedule or eventually call it quits? Because men like this don't budge? While I'm in my late 30's, I'm new at relationships so I really don't know what to think with all of this. I would like to think that eventually, down the road, he would change his schedule somewhat for me but I guess that may be pushing it.

**jns** · 01-15-2012 09:35 AM

Amber, quiz him a bit on the game when you next meet. Even if he had a ticket for a year he should have recorded the game and seen it as soon as he got back or by this morning at latest. That includes every down. I have sometimes gone somewhere because of an obligation, but wanted to see something I recorded more.

As far as schedules, there is the art of compromise and in a good relationship it is not exclusive to one person.

**Claret** · 01-15-2012 11:56 AM

No, I'm not and never said this at all. What I said was - your relationship is NEW. Because it is NEW he has to make time for you without sacrificing other friends, plans and lifestyle until you are fully part of all of that.
And, as you said, you had previous plans as well "And I don't have as many friends as he does and that is the only thing I have planned all month. Do I give that up for him, so I can make sure I meet him on time for dinner? So you can question whether or not to make time for him of yourself, but not expect him to have had plans in advance also and have to make time for you.
He has decided that he can fit you into his schedule evidenced by asking you out for a second date.
As I mentioned, there is a compromise in which you can make your book club (be with your friends) and then go for dinner and the band (be with him and his friends). You are still in the stage where you are going out to even see if you really like each other -- don't expect a full blown comittment.

**Aeryn Sun** · 01-15-2012 12:54 PM

I agree with Claret. I would keep your once a month social commitment, and have dinner or watch the game with him or invite him to the book club meeting.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-15-2012 01:14 PM

Amber, you can listen on that first date, and all most certainly ascertain exactly what is proposed for the "immediate" future but not the entire future... As, neither of you know each other yet, neither of you have gotten to know the "inner" person and fallen for each other... It stands to reason that on the inset, no one is or should change who they are and how they have lived their life.

He's told you the lifestyle he has. He works hard and then plays hard, has a lot of friends and is very social... He's been up-front about that but included you as Claret stated, to go somewhere, where he knows people as well... Go, but without expectations... This is where you may be getting confused, you are judging the second date as it may turn into a relationship and trying to predict the future

Thereby, searching for this person to spend their life with you in fear also due to your age, when you should simply be dating until you find someone that you know has so much going for him with you, that it's that person you want to be exclusive with...

This guy's point of view on dating is old fashioned. It's a free world and there is a difference between dating and "dating" in -other-words, after 4 dates I'd say, you are in a relationship if it's not a friendship situation, it's starting to turn into something, sure, it's only right to stop dating others and see where it leads...But, after 1 date? No way, you want to date men and ensure you have the options in front of you to see clearly who you really like and who fits in well, not settle (you know me with that word), and accept the first one and just go with it, as the first one may not be the right one for you..

Go on the weekend, "love to go, thanks" - as the band usually plays late, if he made it for 7pm, ask for 7.30pm and tell him you have other commitments during the day, and need a bit more time... Enjoy the dinner, don't ask him a million questions about where you fit in, just talk general and about life, the more you probe I think you will find the more you will scare a man off, they do want a long term relationship but they also don't want to be pressured and also, dating is not about finding out if they will give you all the hours you want, it's about finding about, about them, their beliefs in life, morals, goals, dreams, passions, hobbies, it's from those discussions you get a really good feel as to whether you would be compatible or not...

**orchiddreams** · 01-15-2012 02:08 PM

It doesn't sound like you even want to go to the show- why don't you suggest something else? This way you can actually hear what he's saying. . I think suggesting something else to do is a good test to see if he's willing to compromise. If he's more interested in seeing the show than seeing you- then there's no need to analyze the rest.

With respect to the issue of time for you- I think even the most socially active person when in a relationship makes time for the other person. Even if it's just running errands together.

First find out if you want to spend more time with him then you can figure out exactly how much of your time your willing to give to him. Just because he's socially active doesn't mean you are sittinig around desperately waiting for his call.