A really embarrassing question

**Avatar Nirvana** · 01-29-2012 01:25 PM

Before I ask this I want to say this is the main reason why I joined this forum because I wanted support from other women, but was too embarrassed to ask. I thought this is the time to ask because looking back at what I've posted before I felt like I was never judged. This is one of my deepest secrets and I've never blurted it out to a large audience like this, but I'm going crazy.
I'm going to be 23 in April and I'm still a virgin. All of the people my age have lost it already. I've been in love before, but since it was a long distance relationship, I never done anything with my ex. We talked about having sex, but I never told him I was a virgin. I don't know if my hymen is broken because I've been using tampons since I was 14. If it isn't, I'm not only scared of it hurting, but I'm scared of the guy thinking I'm a loser for still being a virgin. I don't know all of the sex positions and I hate to turn to porn to figure out what they are.
Thank you for listening to me and please don't judge me for being a loser.

**jns** · 01-29-2012 02:31 PM

There are plenty of guys out there who would love it that you are a virgin, including a small number of guys who are also virgins. The guys who are still virgins and are willing to wait would certainly love exploring this thing called sex together when the time is right. Some other guys who have already had sex in the past will be willing to wait for you. They would love showing you the ropes as they understand them. None of them would think you are a loser or get upset with your timetable. Yes, there are also the impatient ones who want everything now. Your word for the is "next".

**Aeryn Sun** · 01-29-2012 02:45 PM

You are not a loser for being a virgin.

I have talked openly about sex with friends, and don't get judged but rather praised more often than not for keeping my virginity for my husband.
People are genuinely shocked that I have only been with one person because it is rare, and a lot of people say they wish they could cut their numbers back.

You make the choice for yourself sexually(for the most part), and you will find that one person who has made the same choice with their sex life, one that you find acceptable and accepts you for yours.

Your body is your own, and you will have to figure out what works for you and him. What worked with another guy or girl, may be unrealistic with you two.
That is the fun part of sex

**jns** · 01-29-2012 03:02 PM

Originally Posted by jns

Yes, there are also the impatient ones who want everything now. Your word for the is "next".

Correction of misspelling.

Your word for them is "next".

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-29-2012 03:26 PM

Isn't it great to get out there and talk about things?

It's your body, you should never be ashamed of anything. I doubt any man will judge you poorly, he will love you for it, when the time is right and you know you want to let it go, you just tell the truth... In love, and you get to know each others bodies by learning about each other isn't that what it is meant to be like?

You don't have to watch porn sweet... Just be yourself when that time comes and learn together, don't think he knows everything either and feelings between two people make it all the heck different than just having sex

As for hurting? Don't think like that, my Mother swore that it would kill me, her way of stopping me from doing it too young but it didn't really hurt much at all... And, the feeling of being a woman over came anything anyway.

**Tim** · 01-29-2012 03:44 PM

Plenty of men will cherish the fact that you're still a virgin, goodness, that is not something to be ashamed of. Many women who remain celibate celebrate it (had to use the words together

) instead! Perhaps compare yourself to the opposite end of the spectrum...the 23 year old who has to hide from her new boyfriend the actual number of previous partners she's had, making it much lower, because of how she's afraid she'll be perceived if he knew the real number.

(I noticed your user name here, I was watching Avatar again last night on TV, what a great movie...don't know if that's what you intended when you thought the name up).

Hope the above helps from a male perspective.

**Avatar Nirvana** · 01-29-2012 04:43 PM

These are all very helpful, but I'm still so scared. I heard guys like virgins, but it's so nerve wrecking to wonder if I will please him or sound so stupid.

(Tim: I saw the movie and liked it, but it's from a different Avatar.)

**Aeryn Sun** · 01-29-2012 08:40 PM

Sex is scary.
Unwanted pregnancy, STD, AIDS and Rejection topped the list of my fears with sex.
When I found my husband, none of these were an issue. No fear, no problem.

Once you find a guy you are comfortable with, I am sure part of the fear will subside.

**lalalulu** · 01-30-2012 04:48 AM

I can fully sympathise with how you feel. I lost my virginity when I was 24 and up until that point I had kept my virginity as a deep secret from everyone I knew through fear that revealing it would make them view me differently. To everyone else I was a confident, attractive, street-wise young woman but inside, I felt like a complete fraud and a loser who was carrying this burden of virginity like a huge weight on my shoulders.
I actually lost my virginity to a guy I had only been dating for a matter of weeks. You will find that when you are with someone you like, things will get heated and one thing will just lead to another and before you know it, you'll be having sex and thinking "Why have I built this up to be such a big deal?" The guy I was with had no idea I was a virgin; I didn't tell him and he still doesn't know. Don't forget, first time sex in ANY new relationship whether it be your first time ever or just your first time with a new man is nerve wracking for both of you, you AND him. While you may be thinking, I don't know what I'm doing, he'll know I'm a virgin, he's probably thinking, "Is she enjoying this? Has she had better than this? I hope this is good for her". In my experience, both the first time ever and with partners since then, the man does generally tend to take the lead so don't worry about "not knowing all of the sex positions"; plus, generally your first time with anyone is not going to be acrobatics, in my experience you tend to stick to the basics until you get to know each other a bit better!
As for it being painful, I personally did not experience any pain during my first time whatsoever. Yes, it may feel slightly alien or maybe a bit uncomfortable, but the chances are as you have been using tampons for years (as I had) you will have broken your hymen anyway. If you are physically "ready" for sex if you know what I mean, you shouldn't feel much more than a bit of discomfort.
If you want to be less naive about what to do during sex, you don't have to turn to porn and quite frankly I think that will give you an unrealistic view of what sex is like anyway. Maybe invest in some sex books targetted at women, ones that give you tips and advice on positions and how to do things, or even look online at things like Cosmo magazine or similar which are full of sex tips, just to give you a general idea of what's what.
I know that it's really difficult when you feel as though the entire world is having sex and you're not. I've been in exactly the same boat and allowed my virginity to become a huge issue, thinking I would never ever lose it and would be a virgin for the rest of my life. Although I can't tell you when it will be, there will come a point when you meet a guy you like and feel comfortable with and things will to progress naturally to becoming sexual. The important thing is to STOP beating yourself up over it, be patient (I know that's hard) and realise that when the time comes, you will be ready for it- and make sure you are ready for it; sleeping with someone when you feel pressured or it doesn't feel 'right' is a sure fire guarantee of a bad first experience.
If there is any benefit to losing your virginity in your 20s rather than in your teens, as the majority of people do, it is that you have had a more general life experience than say a 15 or 16 year old and are able to project confidence in a way that a teenager can't. Good luck to you and you're NOT a loser, you're just someone who hasn't reached that stage in their life yet. When the time is right, you will

**lizzardb63** · 01-30-2012 10:30 AM

Virginity is precious. Don't be ashamed at all that you're a virgin. I am a bit envious of you actually. You'll get to give that gift to someone when you're 100% ready and you won't look back like many women and think "I wish I would have waited until it was more special." If a guy has a problem with you being a virgin, then he isn't the one for you. I was 20 when I lost my virginity, and it would have been later, but I was dating the wrong guy and it got out of control. I won't go into details, but I wish more than anything I could have it back and redo that moment when it would have been special. When you find that right guy, it will be special and he will respect you for respecting yourself as much as you do. It isn't something to take lightly and I am proud of you for waiting. Be proud! It's awesome!