I'm really not insecure, so what's wrong with me?!?!

**Newly Single** · 02-07-2012 09:23 AM

So, I'm finally truly single, and even though I've been free to date for a year, I finally have my own place and am really, truly single... so I've seen this guy who I've known for a few years - only gone out with him a handful of times, and when we are together he is great - attentive, thoughtful, fun. But in the time between dates - 1 to 2 weeks - he can disappear for days at a time. No calls, no texts, nothing. Last date we talked and he said that he's really busy between work and school and everything, and even though we aren't "exclusive" he said he's not seeing anyone else, but I know I'm teetering on being too needy. It's just that I feel like I do NEED him!!! I know it's probably just the changes that I'm going through and I need to really step back and take care of myself, but all I can think about is the next time I can see him and why isn't he calling or texting me back!?!?! I can't work, I can't eat, I can't do anything but stare at my phone waiting for the text message from him that says "what are you doing this weekend?" I'm pathetic, and I'm really not pathetic!!! I'm pretty and I'm smart and I'm funny. I have other guys asking me out, but I am not interested in them... I want the guy who seems to only want me occasionally!!! I feel like I'm going crazy!!! Help me get my head straight!!!

**Little** · 02-07-2012 09:58 AM

My best advice to you is to give up on this guy. Supposing he's not being shady or doing anything "wrong," he obviously has VERY different needs in a relationship than you do - he wants to disappear for days and have his own space, and you need more. If you hang in there and make it to an exclusive relationship with this guy, don't expect his needs to change, at least not long-term.

Search for a man who needs as much time with you as you need with him, and you'll thank yourself for it later.

**BasketCase** · 02-07-2012 10:44 AM

First I think that maybe a small part of you is enjoying what guys call "the chase". That means you want the challenge of getting the one that doesn't seem interested. So think if you really want this guy or is just seems fun. Second consider if he is actually telling the truth. I am a full time student and full time employee myself and it is difficult to make time for friends and family sometimes. Third I think that it's a bit early to be so wrapped up in this. Maybe because you have been single for so long you fell a little harder than you might have if you haven't been alone so long. Make sure this guy really is worth your time. Then after you have considered all of those things and you still feel like this is the guy that you want, call him out. Just tell him how you feel. Let him know that your ready for a commited relationship/something more serious. And he will have the opportunity to be honest with you as well. And if he's not interested it will be time to move on.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-18-2012 02:58 PM

We almost always want what we can't have.

Your heading "I'm really not in-secure" suggests that he is making you feel that way, in-secure

Don't mind this question but do you sleep with him? Because if you do, then he chooses to see you when he wants and if you do, this is why you now are emotionally attached to him as you have bonded, sexually.

And, if that's the case are you not worth more?

**JadedQueen** · 03-01-2012 07:11 AM

Chandlers Wish.... you took the words right out of my mouth. Unless you are okay with the way he's been treating you my suggestion would be to find someone else.

**acerousme** · 03-01-2012 10:37 PM

Question for the OP...Have you done anything for YOU lately? like taking yourself to a movie? it sounds like you need you. I know it sounds crazy, but it helps you find what you are tuly looking for, and it doesnt sound like this guy is it.

Please just...take my advice. Go to the mall by yourself. Go get your nails done. Or go buy yourself a new dress. Right now, you need to focus on yourself. especially because you're in your own place now. After living with someone for a while, its wierd to be on your own for even a short period of time.

Don't date. You're doing it for the wrong reasons...find yourself again first.

**cocoa** · 05-10-2012 12:10 PM

I understand this perfectly. I am in a similar situation where I find myself sometimes, just waiting for a call, that never comes or the occasional phone call. It makes me feel a little pathetic (to put it mildly). I know it's not good or healthy, and I've gone through all the lectures in my head about what's wrong with how I'm viewing myself in the relationship, and how unhealthy it is for me to continue or also why he is not worth based on the limited effort he is showing. I've gone through all the negatives in my mind about the negatives of staying in this situation. So, I know it's not as simple as, dump him because he is bad for you. If only relationships were that simple, but it isn't.

I think maybe you can look at from the perspective of what are you trying to avoid by continuing this interest? Sometimes, when we are running toward something, its because we are running away from something else. For me, it's that I've never really had much experience in relationships, so I don't want to let go when for me it feels like the one in a few chances I've had or may ever have to be with someone. So, because I think and know my options are few, I keep holding on. Again, I know this is not good or a healthy perspective. I'm working on getting myself out of thinking like this. But my point is to consider what you're getting from him, which you feel you are not getting with those men who are available. What does he have to offer? What need do you have which you think he meets? Is there the feeling that if something is too easy, it's not worth it or worth having? That could be the reason why you're still holding on because you think "if I can make this work, then I can handle anything or it will be best thing in the long term". Or is it maybe the belief that if something is hard to get that it's more valuable than something which is easier or more accessible? Do you find that if something doesn't challenge you then it has no meaning or worth for you?

Ask yourself what it is that you are getting out of this relationship? Clearly, there are pros as well as cons. But are there more pros or cons? If there are more cons, then are you really going to benefit from this relationship if you finally "catch" and keep him?

**orchiddreams** · 05-11-2012 04:17 PM

I wonder if he would be more, equally, or less available if he wasn't as busy? If he wasn't as busy then it may foreshadow what you can expect for the future in this relationship. I hate speaking in generalities, but usually in the beginning you just can't get enough of eachother. I think your frustrated because that's how you feel and it's not being reciprocated, perhaps for valid reasons. Is he coming out of a relationship where there was some kind of co-dependence? It is possible that he is just very busy and has a lot on his mind that at this point in the relationship he is not willing or ready to share.

Just enjoy him and check yourself when you get to that needy feeling. Even people in long term relationships experience the same feelings.

Just have confidence in yourself and DO NOT doubt your beautiful qualities. Especially because for some being too clingy can be a deal breaker and relationship killer.