Thread: Why Men Won't Ask You Out:

I couldn’t think of a better title for this, so forgive me if it’s a somewhat indirect title.

The topic is about why us men do not approach single women, specifically in public or even social events.

I was asked about this by a female friend over the weekend, and it took me a while to explain my side of things.

My friend is a very attractive, slim, desirable, single woman. She was frustrated, and almost outright angry, about the fact that she never gets approached, “hit on,” by men, even though she’s single and is looking for a mate.

The fact that she never gets approached kinda’ shocked me. But then I thought about it, and realized that the reason can in part be for the exact same reasons that *I* do not approach women. So I explained my POV:

One reason is that us men simply get “beat up” in the flirting process. You can’t understand unless you are a man; it is generally our responsibility to put in all the initial “work” in approaching a woman, and when you have no idea of either whether or not she is single, let alone would have any interest in you, a guy is taking a huge chance in an approach.

Yes, I “get” that this is part of how it works. But you have to subject yourself to constant rejection to understand how it tends to impact most people, male or female. “Extra-thick” on the skin is a must in this environment, but it’s probably the majority of people in general who find any form of rejection to be tough to take.

As a numbers game, you have to put in perspective the fact that us guys get rejected *constantly*. It can be either a form of rejection that is in no way intended to be negative, just the normal course of “I already have a boyfriend/husband,” OR it can be a much more negative rejection, all of which us men get pounded with from time to time no matter how pleasant, attractive, or desirable a mate we may be. (Perhaps another post soon on the differences between American women and foreign women...in my experience. The difference is substantial in certain cultures).

Rejection is rejection. It has an almost subconscious effect that presents a whole new hurdle, a challenge outside of the already daunting challenge of approaching a complete stranger, and trying to get to know her.

I personally am a very social person. But I realized after talking to my female friend, that I rarely make any effort any more to get to know a new female. This was not a conscious decision; I realized it has just “happened" over the course of time. It surely is due to just not wanting to deal with the stress of an approach, nor the rejection from the effort.

I talk to guys all the time, for the simple reason that there is no threat of rejection, cuz I could basically care less whether that guy wants to continue communication. I will also talk to women very readily, but very often (in fact, almost always) not ones I’m attracted to; again, for the simple reason that I can make a new friend, adding to my “acquaintance social circle” as I call it, without any of the “games” that come into play when there is a physical attraction involved...and there's no concern if she doesn't wish to continue communication.

It’s a pickle.

But it’s also a lot less stress, lol.

I pestered two of my male friends to find that they have virtually the same exact perspective, and for the same reasons.

The online dating gig has become the venue of choice to try to find a woman as the alternative. Number one, we know the lady is (likely) single, and two, there is minimal “rejection” when the lady chooses not to respond to us. We move on to the next with hardly a second thought outside of momentary disappointment when one we're attracted to doesn’t respond to our email.

Super easy.

And for the record, I’ve been told I’m a fairly appealing guy; I am fairly confident but not cocky, pleasant but not a wuss, sense of humor, and smiling. When I do go the length to try to get to know a woman I’m attracted to, I’ll make sure the eye-contact is spot-on, I engage her in both brief small talk and some engaging conversation relevant to the circumstances, incorporate in some fun neutral humor...and then of course give her a sample of MY goods, by flashing just a little bit of the top of my white butt, turning around and pulling my pants down just enough for her to see.

(I’ve been told I have a great butt, hence the butt-shot effort to impress her).

“Butt” still, I all too often get rejected.

(And for the record, everything above was serious except the butt-showing part) ;p

“Butt” again, it just boils down to the rejection factor...(And seriously now)....it happens enough over the course of a male’s life that it’s not a “giving up,” that we’re doing, we just don’t have the energy or will power to bother trying any more. Public interactions have become such that even in really friendly cities, like mine, men and women really just do not “mingle” much unless there’s a real social reason to.

And in my experience, women are taken (boyfriend or married) in exactly 99.85968% of the cases I approach a woman.

(Else they are being kind and sparing me the “uh, no thanks, you’re gross, not interested” response...and if that's the case, "thank you " for sparing my ego ladies..).

I guess single people just need to all be designated, by law, to only live in specific cities. Then everyone would know everyone else is single and available, and the effort would always be worthwhile, even with rejection. ;P

That was my answer to her, and I think she understood.

Just my perspective, in case other women were looking for a point of view on this topic.