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Thread: Distant moody boyfriend, what to do?

  1. #1
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    Default Distant moody boyfriend, what to do?


    Hello lovely ladies,

    I understand this is a common problem, I in fact read a similar post on this forum that was quite helpful. But bear with me, I think I need to vent to feel a little better. Also, I would of course appreciate some advice as every situation is different.

    FYI we're both sensitive and emotional people. You may read this below and think "Meh, dump him" but he has been wonderful in many ways and helped me through tough times. It's just when HE has a tough time it's like there is nothing I can do right.

    So, in the past when he becomes distant I went around it all the wrong way. When I say he's distant I mean he will hardly look at me, talk to me, stomp around the house and generally act like a grump. I would ask "What's wrong?" to which he would reply, nothing. I would go away for a little while and come back to try and engage him in some way and ask again "Are you okay?"..."uh, yes" he would respond angrily. Then I would just cry and ask what it was I had done to upset him, I would pull and pull it out of him until FINALLY he would tell me what was wrong.

    Sometimes it WOULD actually be something I had done to upset him, and other times he was just generally stressed about something outside of our relationship.

    The last few times he has grown distant, I have become much better at giving him space. I will ask him (genuinely) just once if he's feeling okay and needs to talk about anything on his mind. The response is always, "no I'm fine" so I peacefully say okay and leave the room and busy myself for the rest of the day. I don't disturb him AT ALL nor do I ignore him. I just literally give him the space. But when it goes on for more than 2 days, I feel that it is completely unfair and ask him to once and for all tell me what he is upset about.

    Then it all comes out, whether it was something outside or inside the relationship. When it is inside the relationship, it usually is that I have been lazy. Which is utter bull dust because I do the majority of the housework, it's like he just wants to blame me for his problems.

    SO it happened again today, a seemingly normal morning where he was all chirpy and suggesting we go for a drive and do something together. So I go have a shower and get ready to go, to find him at his computer in his pyjamas looking very busy at work (we both run our own business so work odd hours) and I ask casually if he still wants to go out today, to which he says "yeah sure". So I go to my computer to give him some time. An hour passes and I go downstairs to tell him I will take the dog for a walk (which I do 95% of the time) to give him time to get ready to go out. I come home and he's gotten ready but he's at his computer again, working.

    I ask again, is he sure he wants to go out? I tell him it's totally fine if he needs to get work done, just to let me know. Yes yes he does want to come out. Okay I say, as I go back to my computer to give him yet again more time. Another hour goes by and I have wasted my day waiting to see when it suits him to go for a drive, HIS suggestion not mine. So I pack a book I'm reading and tell him I'm going out for a while. "Okay" he says, not bothering to ask where I'm going. I tell him I'm still happy to go out with him today, I just didn't understand what was happening, to which he says "right". I give him a kiss and tell him I will be back later, all in a cheery manner.

    I return home to find him still at the computer, but the kitchen and bathroom is all cleaned. Which is a sign he COULD be angry at me for not doing these chores. He does more hours of work than I do so it is expected of me to do more housework, yay. I say hello and receive a grumpy "Hi" so I leave him to it again. Later he calls out "Going for a walk" and he leaves for a while. Then comes home for a little while, only to leave again without even saying goodbye and hops in the car and speeds off, to come back over an hour later.

    He knows how much I hate it when he just ups and leaves without any indication of what is happening. He has a right to his own personal freedom, but we aren't just housemates who come and go as we please. We are supposed to be a team! If he just at least told me he was popping out, that would be fine. I don't have to know where, but a courtesy of "see you soon" so I don't have to wonder whether he's coming home at all.

    We've spent tonight in separate rooms watching movies etc, he came in to the room I'm in to charge his phone, I said a cheerful "Hi" to which he gave a grumpy "Hi" back.

    I just HATE it when he does this. I have given him PLENTY of space today and not been grumpy about it either. It's so unfair to act this way toward me.

    What else am I supposed to do? What is the best way to ask a man what is wrong without agitating him? I've given him space, I totally respect we both need time to ourself. It just feels like he's punishing me and I honestly don't know what I will say if it's because I had left the dishes dirty. I'm sorry but I can't always do all the cleaning, I have a job too.

    I have done so many things to improve myself, I recently regularly saw a psychologist to sort through problems in my past, I am eating healthier and trying to exercise more, I make an effort to see friends. But it's like he's stuck in a rut and wants to blame me for feeling ********.

  2. #2
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    I'm so sorry forum peeps/moderators, please delete this particular post in "dating". Something fishy was going on with my internet so I posted again in "relationships" as this post wasn't showing up here, but now it has. Please leave in "relationships". Sorry again!

  3. #3
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    Sit down with him and explain to him how you are feeling and perceiving things. At all costs do not tell him "you are doing this, you are making me feel this." Don't play the blame game, just tell him you want to get on the same page. So word things very carefully so he doesn't feel attacked or ridiculed. Keep it in an adult conversation manner. No yelling. No blaming. No cursing. No angry tones. So I suggest taking some time to sort through what you want to speak about, how you want to go about talking about it and explore it on your own. Think of how the conversation can go and how you would like to guide the conversation. If you find yourself ranting in your mind, getting riled up; then sort this out before talking to him. The key is to have a talk about things, not a fight.

    Most honestly it sounds to me like you two are having communication problems. So have a "safe environment" where things can be discussed, worked on just might be the stepping stone that you two need.

    Explain to him that you feel like you are being punished and things are not fully explained to you. That you perceive that he is upset, but it's never explained to you as to of why. You can not read minds and you don't want to assume anything, assuming isn't fair to him. It's more of an accusation and that is disrespectful. Knowing what's going on and having facts to work off of is the only way you two can get answers and grow in your relationship. If you're stuck in a rut going nowhere, how do you move forward? It's the same circle over and over again.

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