Need advice...

**LSBritt** · 05-12-2008 09:39 AM

Ok so this is gonna be a somewhat long post...

My boyfriend and I started dating in July of 2005. We were soo happy for like two years. We got engaged in January of 2007. We broke up in September of the same year. We lived together after we got engaged and things were ok for a while, but then after a while I started feeling more like a roommate than his fiance. He didn't talk to me or anything. So we both talked and both admitted that we weren't happy so we broke up. Well the day after I knew it was a huge mistake because you don't just break up with your fiance because you have a few problems. Only thing is I didn't see him that whole day. He didn't come home till 2 in the morning from a cubs game so I figured he was over it. By that time I was really hurt by him so I told him I needed time away from him to heal. (BIG mistake) Well when I came back two weeks later he had already moved on and found someone else. This really hurt me.
So by that time it was late October. I was miserable without him so I decided to tell him how I felt and when I did he told me hadn't moved on and he was still in love with me so I thought I had a great chance. Well a week later he has a girlfriend...So of course I am completely confused and hurt AGAIN. He says that after we broke up when he was trying to get me back (he came to my house with flowers and did a lot to get me back but I was just so hurt) he just got too hurt.
I did everything to show him that I loved him and I would never hurt him again and eventually he came back to me. We got back together three days before Christmas. So things were good and then on New Years Eve he emails his ex from when we were broken to with her a happy birthday. Now his ex had already caused a lot of problems with us, and always talked bad about me so this really hurt me. He apologized. But then I find out later in January that he had been talking to her off and on the whole time.
Well around the same time he told me that he didn't know what he wanted anymore and that he wasn't happy. We got through that somehow and we were happy for a good two months. Things were really really good. We never fought and we just had a lot of fun together. Well this month has been completely different. He doesn't even act happy and he told me on Friday that he isn't happy, isn't in love with me anymore and needs time.
My question is if he isn't happy and isn't in love me with me why does he need time? Why doesn't he just break up with me? He tells me that he wants to figure out why he feels like he does because he says its not my fault because I have really been doing everything right with him. Anyways..I am so frustrated with this and I don't know what to do I know I need to give him his time, but should I just call it quits?

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 05-12-2008 10:39 AM

Yeah, moving in with someone is a big mistake, always, haha. Especially if you are young enough to still want to have fun.

There's also no reason in my book why he can't talk to an ex. You have to be comfortable that you aren't going to be the only person in your mans life.

He could well need some time to sort his head out, get some thinking done, and equally well he could just be waiting till he has something else sorted out to keep his "no sex period" to a minimum.

But yeah, it sounds like he's having troubles with the monotony of monogamy.

**lilbooboo** · 05-13-2008 04:25 PM

i went thru something like that with my ex...we where together and everything would be ok for a few months (sometimes just weeks) before he would get all distant and eventually we would brake up then a few weeks later hed beg me to take him back that he loved me....(and he use to talk to his ex too and she caused ALOT of problems for us...) and well anyhow my advice is just to move on...the roller coaster never ends...atleast with my ex...he wasnt even happy with himself so i know he could never be happy with someone else...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-13-2008 05:00 PM

Up and down like a rollercoaster won't get either of you anywhere.

Is he your soulmate? Are you so connected that it's not funny? I think not, so why marry someone out of "friendship", of course a lot of time together ensures us that that means we "should" be together?

Marriage is a scary thing in reality... All of a sudden you assume a different role, than just girlfriend, having fun, sex all the time, laughing at each other... All of a sudden your keeping house ( same as living together), unless you can keep all the things you had before that step, how is it going to work? Of course a friendship instead steps in, you wash, i'll wipe, you cooking tonight? I would really love it if you didn't leave your socks there, i want to watch this, not that, lol.. No but true, living together doesn't mean that you become a Mum, your mum, tending to the household. It is the biggest problems that i see so far, a role is assumed and the realtionship gets ruined.

I'd run to, did actually... my reasons...

Sounds to me that he liked the "girlfriend/boyfriend" no fuss, no stress lifestyle, fun and fantastic. And, not ready for commitment without all of the above.

The only way you can sort this is if you can really see the above and talk through it with him and become that person, that he met all the time, not saying it's your fault don't get me wrong, it's not, just saying no need to literally lose all the excitement and fun that a relationship is all about... It dies...

CW

**maggieanne** · 05-13-2008 05:34 PM

Sounds like he doesn't he sincerely doesn't know why he feels the way he feels (professing to not be in love with you anymore) and that bothers him. Maybe he still wants to love you but something is messing that up in his mind. It sounds like it really is HIS problem that he needs to sort out in his mind and, like he said, needs time.

I posted a thread about living together before marriage just to hear people's opinions a week or so ago. I had come to the conclusion that I would only move in with my boyfriend if we were engaged and had a date set. I had determined that you can live together if you're engaged because there's a commitment to marry on this date. I'm glad you shared your story because no woman wants to feel like her lovers roommate. And clearly that cannot be avoided by wearing a diamond ring. Why is it that guys insist on living together first?

My advice, give him the space/time that he needs and also distance yourself. Try and go on some dates or at least go out with the girls. Keep busy. He'll figure out whatever he needs to figure out on his own, and the quickest without you involved in it. Harsh but true.

Best wishes,

**LSBritt** · 05-16-2008 08:59 AM

Thanks for the advice everyone!

lilbooboo...sounds like i am living ur life over again haha...
Yeah I know that he sincerely doesn't know what he wants and that sincerely wants to figure out why he feels the way he does. I mean clearly he is very unhappy with the person that he is when he is with me. I truly love this guy and I just want the best for him, and I have come to a peace inside that tells me that if I am not what's best for him then it's fine.

It's been two FULL days since I have tryed to contact him...
Funny thing is on Tuesday we talked and he says that he just needs time by himself bla bla bla and that he can't think because I keep talking to him. Well that night HE gets ahold of ME. MEN!!! haha

Well anyways, I am giving him the time he needs. But also giving myself time too. It really has got me to start thing about what's best for ME. And allowing me to go out and have a good time without worrying about anyone else.

Thanks again everyone!

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