Justified?

muse817 · 06-08-2008, 09:23 PM

The last few months, my boyfriend & my sex life radically shifted. I've been with him for four years now. Our sex life was pretty normal before, a couple of times a week. Graduatlly, It became once a month or less...and about that time I noticed the myriad of porn sites on the computer. He'd actually wait for me to leave for work, then go online and look. After trying to talk to him many times about it and how I felt it was affecting us, he got mad and he said he wouldn't look at porn anymore. That wasn't exactly what I wanted...I have no problems with porn in and of itself...I just didn't want to feel like he was WAITING for me to leave. It hurt me, and I told him so. I felt like he wanted something better than me.
Well, a few days ago, I noticed that our computer was laggy and noticed popups. Clearing out the files, I noticed a bunch of sites from a local rock stations "Hot Chick of the Day" section...featuring women in their underwear, or naked and hiding behind sheets and such. So, I then looked, and noticed that again he was waiting until I left to look at it. By waiting until I left, I mean I left for work at 8:40 this morning, and the time stamp on the files were 8:45.
I realize that men look. But I also can't help feeling constantly like I'm not good enough now. I'm angry and hurt...I just don't know if it's "justified" or not, for lack of a better word. He's not looking at porn exactly, so he hasn't lied to me. But he KNOWS this would hurt me, going so far as to delete it from his history. So it still feels like a breech of trust. I'm not sure what to do.

**talk time** · 06-09-2008, 08:14 AM

I think you hit the nail on the head with your last line that the point is it is a breach of trust. You have told him that it hurts you and he is still doing it. It's not that he is watching porn as much as he is saying he is not doing it and then doing it behind your back.

Speak to him again and make your feelings really clear.

good luck
tt

**Franny&Zooey** · 06-13-2008, 12:01 AM

It's not that he's looking, it's that he's hiding it, correct? Obviously he didn't get it the first time, so communicate with him again exactly why it hurts you. If the conversation becomes more of an argument, you can always lighten it up with, "I'm just jealous you didn't share." It may sound silly, but I've been there, done that. After that line, I was given a CD from the sock drawer of his collection. Since then, he's been honest.

However, if it is cutting into your sex life, there may be more issues that need to be hashed out. There are several posts around here, under "Sex", "Husband/Fiance" and here under "Dating". You may want to look at some of those.

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 06-13-2008, 05:25 AM

A fine looking woman is a big deal, I mean, take Athena, her beauty caused all of greece to go to war for years with Troy, causing untold deaths. The fact is, men like gorgeous women. If all it takes to look at some is typing "hot women" into google when they're bored, they're going to do it. It's sort of unavoidable, so don't take it personally, just accept it. Also, I bet Angelina Jolies partner (whoever that is now) will still be looking at other hot women, it' just the way of the world. It doesn't mean the man doesn't want you, or that he wants to cheat, it just means that he's a man that has eyes.

As for porn, run a search on this website for past threads and you'll find more information and opinions than you can shake a stick at .

If your sex life is being replaced with masturbation, then yes, a problem is there.

**damd** · 06-15-2008, 02:42 AM

....awf... it was Helen, not Athena that the Trojan War who was fought over

Sorry, OK the porn thing. If it is improtant enough for you then it is an issue, no matter what people say. I have to agree with Franny&Zooey. You need to talk to him before your sex life becomes a one woman show.

Good luck

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 06-16-2008, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by damd

....awf... it was Helen, not Athena that the Trojan War who was fought over

What the ? Of course it's helen, apparently I just had a brain sneeze.

**lovemyself1** · 06-18-2008, 02:13 AM

Sorry to hear your feeling bad....
generally i wouldn't think of it as a huge problem, but it really has damaged your sexual realationship. sex is very important in a relationship, its not the most important but it sure is right up there!!
I mean if he was lookin up porn but your sex life was just as before, you probably wouldn't be so upset.
You guys really need to sit down and talk this out, if he doesnt care how you feel, then its time to move on i think.

06-08-2008, 09:23 PM	#1
muse817 Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 1	Justified? The last few months, my boyfriend & my sex life radically shifted. I've been with him for four years now. Our sex life was pretty normal before, a couple of times a week. Graduatlly, It became once a month or less...and about that time I noticed the myriad of porn sites on the computer. He'd actually wait for me to leave for work, then go online and look. After trying to talk to him many times about it and how I felt it was affecting us, he got mad and he said he wouldn't look at porn anymore. That wasn't exactly what I wanted...I have no problems with porn in and of itself...I just didn't want to feel like he was WAITING for me to leave. It hurt me, and I told him so. I felt like he wanted something better than me. Well, a few days ago, I noticed that our computer was laggy and noticed popups. Clearing out the files, I noticed a bunch of sites from a local rock stations "Hot Chick of the Day" section...featuring women in their underwear, or naked and hiding behind sheets and such. So, I then looked, and noticed that again he was waiting until I left to look at it. By waiting until I left, I mean I left for work at 8:40 this morning, and the time stamp on the files were 8:45. I realize that men look. But I also can't help feeling constantly like I'm not good enough now. I'm angry and hurt...I just don't know if it's "justified" or not, for lack of a better word. He's not looking at porn exactly, so he hasn't lied to me. But he KNOWS this would hurt me, going so far as to delete it from his history. So it still feels like a breech of trust. I'm not sure what to do.

06-18-2008, 02:13 AM	#7
lovemyself1 Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: May 2008 Location: wisconsin Posts: 118	Sorry to hear your feeling bad.... generally i wouldn't think of it as a huge problem, but it really has damaged your sexual realationship. sex is very important in a relationship, its not the most important but it sure is right up there!! I mean if he was lookin up porn but your sex life was just as before, you probably wouldn't be so upset. You guys really need to sit down and talk this out, if he doesnt care how you feel, then its time to move on i think. __________________ Smile...it's not so bad.

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06-09-2008, 08:14 AM	#2
talk time Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 173	I think you hit the nail on the head with your last line that the point is it is a breach of trust. You have told him that it hurts you and he is still doing it. It's not that he is watching porn as much as he is saying he is not doing it and then doing it behind your back. Speak to him again and make your feelings really clear. good luck tt

06-13-2008, 12:01 AM	#3
Franny&Zooey VIP Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Atlanta, GA, USA Posts: 74	It's not that he's looking, it's that he's hiding it, correct? Obviously he didn't get it the first time, so communicate with him again exactly why it hurts you. If the conversation becomes more of an argument, you can always lighten it up with, "I'm just jealous you didn't share." It may sound silly, but I've been there, done that. After that line, I was given a CD from the sock drawer of his collection. Since then, he's been honest. However, if it is cutting into your sex life, there may be more issues that need to be hashed out. There are several posts around here, under "Sex", "Husband/Fiance" and here under "Dating". You may want to look at some of those.

06-13-2008, 05:25 AM	#4
anonymouswhitefemale May 2008 "Poster of the Month" Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,479 Blog Entries: 2	A fine looking woman is a big deal, I mean, take Athena, her beauty caused all of greece to go to war for years with Troy, causing untold deaths. The fact is, men like gorgeous women. If all it takes to look at some is typing "hot women" into google when they're bored, they're going to do it. It's sort of unavoidable, so don't take it personally, just accept it. Also, I bet Angelina Jolies partner (whoever that is now) will still be looking at other hot women, it' just the way of the world. It doesn't mean the man doesn't want you, or that he wants to cheat, it just means that he's a man that has eyes. As for porn, run a search on this website for past threads and you'll find more information and opinions than you can shake a stick at . If your sex life is being replaced with masturbation, then yes, a problem is there.

06-15-2008, 02:42 AM	#5
damd Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: May 2008 Location: USA Posts: 333 Blog Entries: 2	....awf... it was Helen, not Athena that the Trojan War who was fought over Sorry, OK the porn thing. If it is improtant enough for you then it is an issue, no matter what people say. I have to agree with Franny&Zooey. You need to talk to him before your sex life becomes a one woman show. Good luck