My mom does NOT like my boyfriend :(

chocolata1009 · 06-18-2008, 02:59 PM

I met a man who I am deeply in love with at college. He is still at college, and I got done in last month, and my mother came to help me move to where my new job is 2 hours away. I have yet to find an apartment and my job starts on June 23rd (this Monday), so I'm running out of time.

I left my college town just 2 days ago, and before I left, my boyfriend and I had a big fight. He was at his apartment, and long story short, he was feeling very threatened about our relationship because my mother thinks that he is a distraction. I was staying at the hotel with my mom (not enough room at my small college apt) and I was gonna go over to my boyfriend's place at around 11- he was going to help me look at apartments. Since my mother and I are in the same room, I told her I was going, and she said I shouldn't because I need to concentrate on finding a place for my move. I told her that's what we were going to do, and she said it's your choice, but you can just do it tomorrow and get some rest tonight. So I listened and cancelled on my boyfriend. (Note: I don't think I did the right thing, I come from a very close, conservative family).

My boyfriend then got upset, and began to feel insecure about our relationship, saying that I was an adult and could make my own decision. He kept asking me to come over and said that he needed me, not to look at apartments anymore, but that he needed to just see me, for reassurance. I never went, and my mother was awake most of the time I was speaking to my boyfriend since we were in the same room (we talked until about 5 a.m., she was awake till about 3). She knew what was happening, because ly, I told her. I shouldn't have. Anyway, she doesn't realize that going to someone's house at 3 a.m. in a safe college town is normal when you're a student, so this made her see my boyfriend in a whole new light.

He and I then had a huge emotional fight because he said I wasn't there when he needed to just see me for a few minutes for reassurance, but then a few days later we talked, and decided to keep speaking, but to just take it slow (don't think my mom was thrilled about this). Now here is the problem:

I am now in the place where my job is, staying at a hotel there, 2 hours from my college. My boyfriend's birthday is on Saturday, and it is really important to me to be there for him and drive down. My mother is still here though. She was going to leave earlier to visit my brother in California, but she might not be now because she is worried about my move since I have not yet found a place. She is here for me basically and she is still very upset with the boyfriend situation.

Here is my question: is there any way at all, that I can go see my boyfriend on Saturday, without her getting upset? I feel like if I go, it defeats the very purpose of her extending her trip, maybe in a way betrays her. But if I don't go, it will just drive my boyfriend and I further apart... I am not ready for that...

but I can't hurt my mom either... I don't know what to do. She won't have anything to do here if I leave since she knows noone, even though it will be just for the day or to spend the night...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-18-2008, 05:49 PM

Mother's will always be worried. But you are starting a new life, a job, finding an apartment of your own, your a big girl.

Why not tell your Mother you appreciate all that she has done, being with you and worrying at the same times as Mother's do.

By the way Mum, it's my boyfriends birthday on Saturday and i've already arranged of course to spend that day with him as its his birthday.

If you love this guy and you don't go, then in my opinion that's wrong...

Your Mother has to understand it's a special day and one that you can not miss regardless.

You understood her non-understanding of late night visits but this is very different.

CW

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 06-18-2008, 07:33 PM

I think you're in a relationship with this man, not your mother, and if you constantly put her and her irrationality before him then your relationship will ultimately suffer a defeat. If you care for this guy, stand up to your mother and do what you think is right. You're at an age now where you need to break free from her control. Also, the older women get the more contolling, conservative and senile they often get, if you let this continue she will be telling you what to do your whole life, directly or indirectly...

If you decide that your mother still retains this control over you, break up with him and let him find someone who will put him first, and find someone that your mother will like (very hard most likely), otherwise there will be nothing but stress and tension.

chocolata1009 · 06-19-2008, 11:25 AM

I spoke to my mother about it and told her I was going as soon as I finished setting up my furniture and so on, and she was fine with that. She then said that she might just join me and get a hotel room since she doesn't really have anything to do here.
I told my boyfriend what happened, and now he is saying don't bother coming, not to make me feel guilty, but just because if I am there and I have to be home at a certain time and we won't be free to hang out he was being honest and said he will just get aggravated and won't take it well.
I don't know how to tell my mom to butt out... I mean she is here for support while I move and settle in, she means well, but isn't this a bit too much? If I am just going for the night???

chocolata1009 · 06-19-2008, 11:28 AM

might I mention also that I planned on leaving my job location at 7 pm so that I would get there at 9 pm, spend the night and then leave at around noon the next day to be back by 2. SO ITS NOT Like I will be missing out on a lot of time, I won't be up working during those hours, and my mom goes to sleep at like MIDNIGHT anyway?

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 06-19-2008, 11:56 AM

"Sorry, I'm going on my own, bye"....

I'd be really annoyed if I was your boyfriend, and might ultimately break up with you if you can't shed the old bat. I can also see why he'd not want you to come with your mum.

She's probably being calculating and trying to mess things up between you two anyway.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-19-2008, 10:10 PM

I think your Mother is finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that your "sleeping with someone"...

I mean, by her booking "another hotel", means, you get to see him but come home to sleep in your bed, not his....

She needs to know and understand your an adult now and when she leaves, then your going to be driving there, anyway and sleeping with him.

She has to let go of "her baby" and you have to tell her that your an adult now, not a child and you would actually prefer that she waits for you until you get back, she'll be sleeping anyway and that you'd love to be with her when you get back, as usual but this is your man... it's your decision, your old enough to make your own choices now and she has to undoo the apron strings and let them fall to the ground.

CW

06-18-2008, 02:59 PM	#1
chocolata1009 Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 3	My mom does NOT like my boyfriend :( I met a man who I am deeply in love with at college. He is still at college, and I got done in last month, and my mother came to help me move to where my new job is 2 hours away. I have yet to find an apartment and my job starts on June 23rd (this Monday), so I'm running out of time. I left my college town just 2 days ago, and before I left, my boyfriend and I had a big fight. He was at his apartment, and long story short, he was feeling very threatened about our relationship because my mother thinks that he is a distraction. I was staying at the hotel with my mom (not enough room at my small college apt) and I was gonna go over to my boyfriend's place at around 11- he was going to help me look at apartments. Since my mother and I are in the same room, I told her I was going, and she said I shouldn't because I need to concentrate on finding a place for my move. I told her that's what we were going to do, and she said it's your choice, but you can just do it tomorrow and get some rest tonight. So I listened and cancelled on my boyfriend. (Note: I don't think I did the right thing, I come from a very close, conservative family). My boyfriend then got upset, and began to feel insecure about our relationship, saying that I was an adult and could make my own decision. He kept asking me to come over and said that he needed me, not to look at apartments anymore, but that he needed to just see me, for reassurance. I never went, and my mother was awake most of the time I was speaking to my boyfriend since we were in the same room (we talked until about 5 a.m., she was awake till about 3). She knew what was happening, because ly, I told her. I shouldn't have. Anyway, she doesn't realize that going to someone's house at 3 a.m. in a safe college town is normal when you're a student, so this made her see my boyfriend in a whole new light. He and I then had a huge emotional fight because he said I wasn't there when he needed to just see me for a few minutes for reassurance, but then a few days later we talked, and decided to keep speaking, but to just take it slow (don't think my mom was thrilled about this). Now here is the problem: I am now in the place where my job is, staying at a hotel there, 2 hours from my college. My boyfriend's birthday is on Saturday, and it is really important to me to be there for him and drive down. My mother is still here though. She was going to leave earlier to visit my brother in California, but she might not be now because she is worried about my move since I have not yet found a place. She is here for me basically and she is still very upset with the boyfriend situation. Here is my question: is there any way at all, that I can go see my boyfriend on Saturday, without her getting upset? I feel like if I go, it defeats the very purpose of her extending her trip, maybe in a way betrays her. But if I don't go, it will just drive my boyfriend and I further apart... I am not ready for that... but I can't hurt my mom either... I don't know what to do. She won't have anything to do here if I leave since she knows noone, even though it will be just for the day or to spend the night...

06-18-2008, 05:49 PM	#2
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,958 Blog Entries: 7	Mother's will always be worried. But you are starting a new life, a job, finding an apartment of your own, your a big girl. Why not tell your Mother you appreciate all that she has done, being with you and worrying at the same times as Mother's do. By the way Mum, it's my boyfriends birthday on Saturday and i've already arranged of course to spend that day with him as its his birthday. If you love this guy and you don't go, then in my opinion that's wrong... Your Mother has to understand it's a special day and one that you can not miss regardless. You understood her non-understanding of late night visits but this is very different. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

06-19-2008, 10:10 PM	#7
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,958 Blog Entries: 7	I think your Mother is finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that your "sleeping with someone"... I mean, by her booking "another hotel", means, you get to see him but come home to sleep in your bed, not his.... She needs to know and understand your an adult now and when she leaves, then your going to be driving there, anyway and sleeping with him. She has to let go of "her baby" and you have to tell her that your an adult now, not a child and you would actually prefer that she waits for you until you get back, she'll be sleeping anyway and that you'd love to be with her when you get back, as usual but this is your man... it's your decision, your old enough to make your own choices now and she has to undoo the apron strings and let them fall to the ground. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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06-18-2008, 07:33 PM	#3
anonymouswhitefemale May 2008 "Poster of the Month" Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,419 Blog Entries: 2	I think you're in a relationship with this man, not your mother, and if you constantly put her and her irrationality before him then your relationship will ultimately suffer a defeat. If you care for this guy, stand up to your mother and do what you think is right. You're at an age now where you need to break free from her control. Also, the older women get the more contolling, conservative and senile they often get, if you let this continue she will be telling you what to do your whole life, directly or indirectly... If you decide that your mother still retains this control over you, break up with him and let him find someone who will put him first, and find someone that your mother will like (very hard most likely), otherwise there will be nothing but stress and tension.

06-19-2008, 11:25 AM	#4
chocolata1009 Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 3	I spoke to my mother about it and told her I was going as soon as I finished setting up my furniture and so on, and she was fine with that. She then said that she might just join me and get a hotel room since she doesn't really have anything to do here. I told my boyfriend what happened, and now he is saying don't bother coming, not to make me feel guilty, but just because if I am there and I have to be home at a certain time and we won't be free to hang out he was being honest and said he will just get aggravated and won't take it well. I don't know how to tell my mom to butt out... I mean she is here for support while I move and settle in, she means well, but isn't this a bit too much? If I am just going for the night???

06-19-2008, 11:28 AM	#5
chocolata1009 Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 3	might I mention also that I planned on leaving my job location at 7 pm so that I would get there at 9 pm, spend the night and then leave at around noon the next day to be back by 2. SO ITS NOT Like I will be missing out on a lot of time, I won't be up working during those hours, and my mom goes to sleep at like MIDNIGHT anyway?

06-19-2008, 11:56 AM	#6
anonymouswhitefemale May 2008 "Poster of the Month" Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,419 Blog Entries: 2	"Sorry, I'm going on my own, bye".... I'd be really annoyed if I was your boyfriend, and might ultimately break up with you if you can't shed the old bat. I can also see why he'd not want you to come with your mum. She's probably being calculating and trying to mess things up between you two anyway.