Boyfriend posted on adult sex site???

confusedsinglemom · 07-22-2008, 08:43 AM

Hi everyone...I am new here and really need advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months and everything has been fine and without incident. In my previous relationship I was cheated on and lied to continuously, so needless to say I have trust issues. With my current relationship I monitor any information that I can. He gave me his email password and from time to time I look in the email. Last week I came across some emails for registration with an adult sex finder site where he listed a profile looking for a gay threesome. There weren't any pics posted, but the information provided was accurate about him. I have always been open to various sexual experiences...way more than he has. We have had countless conversations about the importance of honesty and openness in a relationship. His marriage ended when his ex cheated on him and he vows he would never cheat on anyone, and that if he were unhappy he would just tell me and not put me and my two kids through that.

We are living together now and all of this is such a shock and so out of character for the man that I know that I just don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable confronting him right now, as I was snooping in his email. I also do not want to throw away what has been a wonderful relationship so far. There hasn't been any activity with the account on his part. Should I just wait and watch for any activity or what should I do?? Thank you for your help.

**damd** · 07-22-2008, 01:37 PM

Although what you have discovered can be disturbing there is some information that you might not know and the only way you will know is if you talk to him about it. But I think it points out the cons of snooping. You might not like what you might find. I understand that personal history makes you want to protect yourself from future hurt however, trust is an important element of any relationship. Snooping and constant checking on him shows that you are a controlling person and that may lead to more problems down the road.

neko · 07-22-2008, 01:41 PM

My ex did this too but to be honest it wasn't the fact of him posting on an adult site, is was more about what it was that he posted and after having a look around I found it and it wasn't as bad as I thought.

**rcoreyus** · 07-22-2008, 02:20 PM

It may be what it seems - but it is also possible someone stole his account. Does his account have a good password (letters, numbers and symbols)? Do you have any other reason to think he is gay or bi?

One of the real problems with spying is that it is hard to verify what you find. I think you are MUCH better off just trusting - and if you think you can't trust, find someone else. If you spy, you will eventually find something, real or not.

Does he have access to your account on this board?

confusedsinglemom · 07-22-2008, 03:33 PM

At first I thought this was a prank being played on him. At the bottom of the confirmation email is the IP address from which the request was made. I traced my IP and it was a match.

I do not have any reason whatsoever to think that he is gay or bi. Like I said...we have had countless conversations about being upfront with each other. I know that my snooping on him isn't exactly honest, but I have 2 kids to worry about. If I didn't know his email password, I would never have known about this. My gut tells me there is more than what it appears to be. This is not at all like him...but people live double lives all the time.

I feel like I need to wait to see what becomes of all of this. I pray that it is nothing at all.

**Fire(m)** · 07-22-2008, 07:06 PM

Like yourself, I pray that it is nothing for you to be concerned about.

I do have an issue however, and that is that you "should" be able to talk with this person about anything. Here is my recommendation. Don't get mad. Just sit down with him and tell him you looked on the e-mail and saw what you saw. Don't act like you were "checking up on him" or not. Just calmly say, if you didn't want (and expect) me to go on your e-mail then why did you give me your username and password?

If he gets defensive, tell him to let the defensiveness go and just calmly discuss the issue at hand. Don't go nuts or scream and holler. That won't do you any good. Remember what you're trying to decide here is if this person is fit to be with you for the rest of your life and is he fit to be around your kids. That's not yelling subject matter, that's calm, contemplative, reasoning power. You need to be able to UNDERSTAND what's going on so you can make a decision on whether or not this person is right for you.

IMHO, you have a moral and ethical obligation to protect yourself and your family. You need to be able to understand what is going on in your relationship with him, and what he is thinking from a sexual standpoint. You should be entitled to that information, in my opinion. Just do it the right way. Understand what's going on, then you can make a logical and rational decision on how it affects you and your family (if it does at all).

Good luck...be strong.
Cheers.

07-22-2008, 08:43 AM	#1
confusedsinglemom Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 2	Boyfriend posted on adult sex site??? Hi everyone...I am new here and really need advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months and everything has been fine and without incident. In my previous relationship I was cheated on and lied to continuously, so needless to say I have trust issues. With my current relationship I monitor any information that I can. He gave me his email password and from time to time I look in the email. Last week I came across some emails for registration with an adult sex finder site where he listed a profile looking for a gay threesome. There weren't any pics posted, but the information provided was accurate about him. I have always been open to various sexual experiences...way more than he has. We have had countless conversations about the importance of honesty and openness in a relationship. His marriage ended when his ex cheated on him and he vows he would never cheat on anyone, and that if he were unhappy he would just tell me and not put me and my two kids through that. We are living together now and all of this is such a shock and so out of character for the man that I know that I just don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable confronting him right now, as I was snooping in his email. I also do not want to throw away what has been a wonderful relationship so far. There hasn't been any activity with the account on his part. Should I just wait and watch for any activity or what should I do?? Thank you for your help.

07-22-2008, 01:37 PM	#2
damd Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: May 2008 Location: USA Posts: 333 Blog Entries: 2	Although what you have discovered can be disturbing there is some information that you might not know and the only way you will know is if you talk to him about it. But I think it points out the cons of snooping. You might not like what you might find. I understand that personal history makes you want to protect yourself from future hurt however, trust is an important element of any relationship. Snooping and constant checking on him shows that you are a controlling person and that may lead to more problems down the road. __________________

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07-22-2008, 01:41 PM	#3
neko Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 2	My ex did this too but to be honest it wasn't the fact of him posting on an adult site, is was more about what it was that he posted and after having a look around I found it and it wasn't as bad as I thought.

07-22-2008, 02:20 PM	#4
rcoreyus March 2008 "Poster of the Month" Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,742	It may be what it seems - but it is also possible someone stole his account. Does his account have a good password (letters, numbers and symbols)? Do you have any other reason to think he is gay or bi? One of the real problems with spying is that it is hard to verify what you find. I think you are MUCH better off just trusting - and if you think you can't trust, find someone else. If you spy, you will eventually find something, real or not. Does he have access to your account on this board?

07-22-2008, 03:33 PM	#5
confusedsinglemom Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 2	At first I thought this was a prank being played on him. At the bottom of the confirmation email is the IP address from which the request was made. I traced my IP and it was a match. I do not have any reason whatsoever to think that he is gay or bi. Like I said...we have had countless conversations about being upfront with each other. I know that my snooping on him isn't exactly honest, but I have 2 kids to worry about. If I didn't know his email password, I would never have known about this. My gut tells me there is more than what it appears to be. This is not at all like him...but people live double lives all the time. I feel like I need to wait to see what becomes of all of this. I pray that it is nothing at all.

07-22-2008, 07:06 PM	#6
Fire(m) Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 290	Like yourself, I pray that it is nothing for you to be concerned about. I do have an issue however, and that is that you "should" be able to talk with this person about anything. Here is my recommendation. Don't get mad. Just sit down with him and tell him you looked on the e-mail and saw what you saw. Don't act like you were "checking up on him" or not. Just calmly say, if you didn't want (and expect) me to go on your e-mail then why did you give me your username and password? If he gets defensive, tell him to let the defensiveness go and just calmly discuss the issue at hand. Don't go nuts or scream and holler. That won't do you any good. Remember what you're trying to decide here is if this person is fit to be with you for the rest of your life and is he fit to be around your kids. That's not yelling subject matter, that's calm, contemplative, reasoning power. You need to be able to UNDERSTAND what's going on so you can make a decision on whether or not this person is right for you. IMHO, you have a moral and ethical obligation to protect yourself and your family. You need to be able to understand what is going on in your relationship with him, and what he is thinking from a sexual standpoint. You should be entitled to that information, in my opinion. Just do it the right way. Understand what's going on, then you can make a logical and rational decision on how it affects you and your family (if it does at all). Good luck...be strong. Cheers.