Help in how to get my partner to talk about our relationship

**swee2886** · 09-03-2008 05:26 AM

Hi

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 half years and i have a child by a
different father.

I have found now that my boyfriend dose not talk about our relationship anymore and that when i say to him it is good to be open and be able to talk about these types of thing he turns off.

we don't go out anymore i always have to plain things to do together myself and that might be once every 3 months i had to plan our anniversary and he know that he dose not take me out anywhere i really don't care if he takes me to a place that more a guy thing just so i can be with him.

How do you get him to open up more and want to get him to spend more time together. Please help

**Muskitos** · 09-03-2008 05:37 AM

Hi swee2886

It is not very clear to me from your mail whether your boyfriend alsways has let you organise your outs together.

Many men are like that, they just let their wife organise their social life.
My husband used to be like that, it did not upset me, it was just the way he was.
So your guy could be just prefering you taking care of this.

However, if he used to take you out and now does not anymore and also seams to be reluctant to talk to you or even go out together, I am afraid there is much more to it.

Not wanting to spend time with your partner is often the sign of serious issues.

Obviously he does not want to talk to you for the moment and the more you will insist the more he resist. So where does that leave you? Would he be willing to write to you? Talk to a friend, who then can talk to you? I guess going to a councellor is not an option either? How about his sister, brother, mother? Someone he feels free to talk to?

Now, and please do not take this the wrong way, but if the situations persists and he refuses to talk and spend time with you, I would seriously start to wonder whether he has met someone else? Just an option you might have to consider.

Take care

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-03-2008 05:49 PM

Originally Posted by swee2886

Hi

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 half years and i have a child by a
different father.

I have found now that my boyfriend dose not talk about our relationship anymore and that when i say to him it is good to be open and be able to talk about these types of thing he turns off.

we don't go out anymore i always have to plain things to do together myself and that might be once every 3 months i had to plan our anniversary and he know that he dose not take me out anywhere i really don't care if he takes me to a place that more a guy thing just so i can be with him.

How do you get him to open up more and want to get him to spend more time together. Please help

I had a look at your previous posts, as you do...

So 1 year ago there were issues you weren't wanting to get in-volved with and he stated that, that is fine, plus there's the Mother-In-Law to be of hel1...

Am I assuming correctly that he is "European"? Only reason being is they tend to be very "family" orientated and you have a child that would have been a baby when you both met.

I am asking these things because is it possible that you are chalk and cheese, that being that he is adventurous, and kinky sexually and you did not want to go down any of those paths, not should you mind you

.

I am just wondering if nothing evenuated there, that is who he is, it is not just fantasy but what he really wants, seeing as you do things to him which affords his curiosity and he also was interested in your friend's conversation had..

It could be that you both in reality want different things and he is just "there" so to speak.

Plus I assume that the "Mother-In-Law" is still interfering, getting in your face and he is still standing up for her. She probably, is very, very controlling and who knows of the conversations said to him alone constantly that may be wearing him down.

CW

**swee2886** · 09-03-2008 06:47 PM

Yes he is European and my son was only 11 months when we got together.
I also stuck to what i felt about the whole sexual thing... and he had stuck to my wishers so i made thing go a little more different eg sexy underwear,toys so on in the bedroom a so he is happy with that.

As to the mother in-law well she is still being a stuff cookie and she has just started to try and speak to me now but still holding back. But i am trying to keep the peace and as i want everyone to be happy.

Now has for him it feels like he takes our relationship day to day.
At first i thought this was fine as it is new to him having a child involved.
But now it is like what i said in the first post.
He has been in a serious relationship before and they was to get married. i don't know because of this his holding back or it's his mum or me.

He is taking holidays off from work and i said to him last night is there something that you and i want to do together in you break and he just said i don't know not really. This is what i mean i am trying to open up with him and that all i get.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-03-2008 06:55 PM

Well you seem very grounded, very understanding, accepting, but not compromising on your own morals and values and that's great..

His Mother, from what you are saying, is slowly trying to accept the whole situation that you are indeed together as she slowly comes around a bit and that's all good, as that shows that she is not really therefore getting to him, or else she would still be ignoring you, etc.

He obviously, is not communicating where as you are trying to..

That could be in his make-up ie) Mother always did everything for him, and "controlled" him so he is not used to joint decisions persay.

But, is he working heeps, like lots of hours, tired, run down as this can also be a reason why he is just there, but "not there".

And, if your sex life is good then the rest should be.

So that's the only thing I can think of, is that there are outside influences such as work or money interfering in his thoughts and he's not happy..

As, i said, your sex life seems to be great so if a guy is happy there, that's intimate, not "sex" so there are obviously feelings there...

What was your relationship like at the very beginning? Happy, fun, he'd remember those important dates, etc...

In-other words he was over the ex when he started with you, you were both real happy and bubbly towards each other.

CW

**swee2886** · 09-03-2008 07:53 PM

Yes our relationship was great he always found the time to spend with me, we use to go places, He even surprised me will flowers it was great.

He dose work a lot and he worries about money trying to fix up around the house and he has been thinking about that a lot and this why he is taking holidays off work to do these things.

Oh yes his mother is a control freak and how she fussed over him when he was a child that's what she is still doing now, so i do agree with you there.

Him and his ex was over 2 years before we started.
And the story was that she cheated on him and thats how it broke off.
I thought maybe that too was on of the reason why he is holding back because of fear and hurt. And this is the first comited relationship he has been in since then.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-03-2008 08:27 PM

I personally don't think so, regarding the ex, as that's why I asked you what he was like in the beginning.

I guess, i have a huge understanding of the European way, I was bought up with them, dated one on and off for 14 years and have a close nit Bosnian family now, as friends and Serbians.

I am not saying that they are different than Australians, I think you said you live in Australia, so do I, but they are "proud" very "proud" people, everything has to be done right, money is an issue for them, the house does have to be perfect and they are work a holics.

My guess is that this is the problem, he is working really hard, tired, doesn't want to spend money on gifts, an Anniversary well, he probably thinks if he can't buy you a gold braclet, then he can't buy you a single rose instead...

Proud.

And, so, best not to do anything at all.

I think you will find it all comes down to wanting to build that dream home, or comfortability coupled with tiredness.

You can only support him and make him feel that those things are not as important as you felt that they were, what is important is you two being together and I think you will see a shift in him, as you take that load off of his mind.

CW

**Lakerat** · 09-06-2008 12:34 AM

I dont know much about Europeans but some men do get that way when they have alot on their minds. This may not seem very wise.... but if he has alot on his mind you might try to relax him a lil,couple of drinks (NOT DRUNK) to where he loosens up a little bit. Men tend to get a lil more talkative after a couple of drinks espically if the mood is right...or maybe there are outher things that might relax him to where he will open up. In general we dont wanna be forced to talk about things...we wanna feel like were doing it because we want to.. not have to (which is usually an illusion)
Just a thought

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