Step- Mom needs advise

**Aleytus** · 09-23-2008 02:52 PM

I met my now husband three years ago. He has two kids, I have none, nor can I have any. When I met him his daughter was 9 and the sweetest thing I ever met. She was fabulous. I enjoyed spending time with her and getting to know her. Two years ago we got married and she did a complete 360 over night. I can not walk into a room with her in it without her screaming at me. SHe is rude and inconciderate. She thinks only of herself and what she wants. She has thrown things at me ( bookcases ful of knickknacks, Movie racks full of movies) She blows uncontrollable temper tantrums. Screaming at the top of her lungs and Pounding her fists, head, feet, whatever body part available into the walls.. also being "careful" enough not to do any major damage so Daddy wouldn't see it. Recently my husband threatened to leave me if I didn't stop the fighting. I have offered them both to go to councilling, niether will go and me going alone won't help. I have allowed her to treat me horribly for two years and now I won't do it any more. My husband has come out and told me that she says she doesn't do the things she does and there for she doesn't. He will take her word over mine every time. He has said that if he doesn't see it, it doesn't happen. He works till 7 pm every night, she is home at 330 that is 3.5 hours of stuff he "doesn't see" and she totally denies doing anything ..."No Daddy I didn't do that she's just trying to get me into trouble". HE told me that if I don't stop the fighting then he will leave me. he told me last week that he was going to ship her off to her mothers and her bags were even packed .. BUT then the day she was to go we found out she needs surgery and he kept her here. He blames me for all the fighting because I am the adult and I should "know when to stop" and to "pick my fights" Thing is everything with her is a fight. Last week he told me I am no longer allowed to give her chores, or ask her to do anything, or tell her to do anything, set curfews, or even tell her to be home for dinner. basicallly I am here to cook and clean for her and if I want something done then I am to ask him the night before so he can have her do it the next day after school. PLEASE do not tell me this is just hormones and adulesence because I think that is Bull . He says she is only 12 and doesn't know how to manipulate anything.. I tell him she is doing a wonderful job of it for not knowing. My hubby and I ONLY fight about her. He will yell at me in front of her but he speaks to her when I am not around.. how right is that? his precious baby can do no wrong. He told me also a few weeks ago that I am just jealous beacuse he has two wonderful kids and I can't have any. His son is now 7 and we still get along good, though we do have the occasional bad day. Both children have different mothers, the daughter lives with us full time, his son on long weekends and holidays. Though I do not want to loose my husband, I also do not want the little witch any where near me any more. I have started to go into my room when she comes home from school just to stay away from her. I no longer speak to her. Right now I am barely speaking to him either. Is it right that I ahve to "hide out" in my own house to avoid conflict and save my marriage? Somehow I have to doubt that. I am waiting for the day she takes a baseball bat to my head ... maybe then he'd believe she is violent towards me.

Any advise on how to deal with this would be very welcome.

Thanks S>

**Lakerat** · 09-29-2008 06:23 PM

Aleytus...You definatly have a MAJOR problem.

Before you got married how much did yall do togather as a family...
How much do you do togather now ...It could be jealousy her thinking you are takeing her dad away. Does her mom spend much time with her?
Its also possable she may think if your not around they might get back togather

Its a shame he doesnt take the time to check into whats really going on because You (both) need to get to the root of this problem before it destroys everything that has been built between yall.

I would probably try spending some time with her doing some things she likes trying to build a bond with her ....wich wont be easy at first ....You may have already tried this.

If nothing worked....Id probably sit up some hidden cameras where he would see daddy's little angle in full flight. Ill admit that might be a lil extreem and would probably finish off the relationship but atleast he would know whats really going on.

Good luck

**SorridLives** · 09-29-2008 07:27 PM

I can empathize....and I agree with you and Lakerat that you have a big problem.
It is especially troublesome when you are a step-parent to a 10-17 year old. The step-mother or other woman in the father's life is the enemy even more than the parents most of the time, in my experience.

I think that your best bet is therapy...family therapy. However, you might have to make some hard choices here.

Good luck! It's not easy!

**Aleytus** · 10-09-2008 03:01 AM

Lakerat:
We did everything as a family togther before we got married. We tried to always include the children in whateer my hubby and I plan. It is their choice whether they attend our plans or not. we never force them to go if they don't want to.

Now?? LOL You've got to be kidding right? Now she refuses to go anywhere that I am going.The rare times that she does, she causes such a fuss and fight that it woulda just been better to leave her at home.

Her father has told her that her mother and him will NEVER get back together. Though I know that means pretty much nothing in the eyes of a child.

Her mother abandoned her at around age 3. Her father has had full custody since then. Her mother phones her about once a month. and she sees her about once every three or four months. IN the brats eyes her mother can do no wrong. When she returns home from seeing her she is angry with me because her mom didn't take her anywhere, or buy her anything, or spend alone time with her. Always i am to blame even though I barely know the women. Those are the days when the flip outs are worse then ever.

I try to take her to movies and spend "me time' with her but it always ends the same way. Once we are done what she wants the fights are as bad as ever.

I have thought of the camera idea but my hubby says I would just "set her up" so she flips just to prove the point. I told him I wouldn't have to set up anything she does it all on her own. *SIGH* SO even that wouldn't work.

Last night was my aniversary and she successfully ruined that too. Causing a major fight by telling her Daddy that I said mean things about the test mark she got. I told him that I congradulated her for getting a "3" ( they run on a 1-4 sysytem 3 being very good and four being excellent) and she twisted my words and told her father that i upset her by that. Needless to say I left the house after a 45 min screaming match with the hubby and never even celebrated our anniversary.

**Aleytus** · 10-09-2008 03:06 AM

Sorridlives:
I suggested therapy to work things out and both the hubby ad the kid refused it. I see no point in going alone as it won't solve or help anything.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-09-2008 03:19 AM

You are trying so so so hard, aren't you. It's like he's not listening and off course, her mother abandoned her at 3 years of age, he will not see it, he wants to protect her.

You were fine until the word "marriage" and then, she decided to get you out of their lives, "daddy's and hers" no one else is going to hurt her, she is hurt.

Camera? Well you can do it behind his back and show him so he can finally see and say i know you said no but you can't see how i feel, what it is doing to me, i am important to, we need to work on this together, i love her as well, but i am not coping.

If he walks then frankly after seeing it, he is wrong, way wrong and nothing you can do.

Your feelings for her have changed, and way rightly so... I am being a devils advocate but i am saying DO IT>

Because the mind won't see what the picture tells until the picture is presented in full sight.

If he gets upset, he will either calm down and realise or truthfully, you will never break that bond ever, and you will live the life you are living.

Councelling denial. There is nothing wrong with any situation, it's fine, denial, i can protect my baby.

The only other thing you can do is to say, "as she is young" after discussing with your husband, we have annuled our marriage, because you are important and your not happy with the situation but we are still going to live together as before, girlfriend and boyfriend. And, because regardless of what it seems we both love you.

Take the threat away until she is older, and then tell her the truth of the fact that never happened when you have grown together again, and she is mature .

I have no other ideas, to think of.

She feels threatened, you will take her daddy away.

He feels protective and can't see.

You are important and if it means you have to slightly do something you know you don't want to do, or suggest a lie in order to solve it so be it.

CW

**Joy** · 10-09-2008 04:24 PM

My first suggestion was gonna be the nanny camera but others have already suggested it. Even if you and your husband agreed to the camera thing and you set her "off" her throwing things around is still not acceptable behavior she is 12 not 3.

I think this kid is angry at her mom and she takes it out on you. You are the mother figure and well she doesn't get enough time with her own mom. She wouldn't dare get angry when she does see her cause in her mind she feels she will never see her again the mom would abdone again if she expressed these feelings.

This must be a living Hel1 each day. No you should not hide in your own home. Your husband is in denial so sorry for that.

I will think on it but you have to beat this kid at her own game.....

**SorridLives** · 10-09-2008 08:37 PM

Originally Posted by Aleytus

Sorridlives:
I suggested therapy to work things out and both the hubby ad the kid refused it. I see no point in going alone as it won't solve or help anything.

I can't see things getting much better until she grows up, unless you can get them to therapy. I do think therapy might help you for yourself- alone, though. I therapist might be able to tell you how to handle things and cope. Not saying that you aren't coping now. You seem to be doing pretty well. We all need a good vent!

**Aleytus** · 10-10-2008 03:00 AM

Joy:

I agree that she is very angry at her Mom and I am her vent.. that however doesn't make it any easier!! UGH!!! I have come right out and asked her why she always takes her anger about her own mother out on me.. of course she denies it. I already know the answer to that q anyways but it'd be nice if she at least admitted it. Your right to think that she is worried that her mother wil abandon her again.. I really wouldn't put it past the women. She has three other kids whom she barely sees and one of those three refuses to even speak to her, he is being raised by his fathers mother. The other two are in and out of trouble all the time, raised in foster care because she didn't want them either. two of them have the same father the other two have different fathers.

I have been trying to find some way to beat her at her own game and nothing works. Her Dad thinks she is just a "dumb" kid but she is much smarter then he ever gives her credit for. ... and no he never tells her that he thinks she doesn't know anything.

**Joy** · 10-10-2008 07:21 AM

Ok so what about a 3rd party coming in after she gets home from school? Do you have a friend, sister, other family, or lil old lady neighbor that could come over she wouldn't dare throw her hissy fits around someone else then she would forsure be busted. It would be great to find an on site thereapist that could come in and spend an hour with her and she not even know she was getting treatment lol.

What about an after school program like akido that teaches self disapline? I say akido cause its about controling your own body not really attacking other people you deal with enough of that lol.

What about a school counsellor? One that you can go talk to first and she can go vent say terrible things but the counsellor knows their goal is to get her to stop blaming you for the problems her mother created? The counsellor could make up some BS excuse that she was randomly chosen. she'd might do it to get outof class.

I know you are frustrated with this power struggle there is a solution other then divorce there has to be.

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