I need advice with my grown daughter

**staceyboo0629** · 09-30-2008 09:31 AM

Hi, I am in desperate need of some < non related > advice with my daughter, She is 26 newly divorced with 3 beautiful babies..... 1, 3, and 5.......

For some reason, of which I'm sure I know some are my fault we have the worst relationship in the world. When she was a baby, I divorced her Dad and she was raised up until she was 6 by me and my parents, we lived close enough to them that they could help me with her.

Well today she is living with me, so I can help her. Which is fine, I want to be able to be here for her, the only thing is if I suggest any thing to her....she gets furious with me....she says she needs to do things on her own...and I so respect that. But in the meantime I have to do most of the work here....I drive a school bus and I help out with the 2 older kids, by taking them to school, and picking them up....I usally fix dinner, and I do most of the laundry....I watch the babies for her to go with friends at times, after she has put them to bed....I try very hard to help her with bathing, and by cooking etc....

My husband of 18 yrs, was diagnosed last year with early onset alzhiemers! So I really thought that by her being here that it would be another adult in the house to help me deal with things....but in reality by her being here it has added a heavier load on me.....and I don't get alot of support from my husband, because he does not really have a good since of what is going on around him....I am 42 yrs old, he is 53......and I'm tired! I do honestly feel that if something does not change here, I'll be dead.....

Now for what I'm really here for......Last night we had a huge argument, because she ask me if I had any money for gas, I ask her what she had done with the money her brother and myself gave her over the weekend....she got so upset and told me I've really <cussed> her off....well I am trying not to respond to the yelling and cussing because the babies don't need to hear that.....so I just shook my head ok, and let her walk off.....Then she kept on trying to explain to me that I made her mad....and So I said, ok maybe I should have said.....I Don't have it.....then it kept esculating and she finally called me a F**kin B***h.....Well out of respect for myself and morals, I told her she needed to get the kids and find a place to live....she said something to that I don't recall....so I went out on the porch and cooled off, came back in and told her we needed to talk...she said she did not want to talk to me now.....I followed her outside anyway....and told her, You really need to find a place to live, and I will give you till Friday.....then it kept getting worse and we said a few things, her yelling and cussing and crying.....and I told her.....We are not listening to each other if we are yelling.....then she started telling me < as she has done before> that I think I am goody toshoes! I ask her why....and she said That I acted one way around her and another in front of people.....so I said....because If I ask you to clean up after yourself in front of < myparent> or anyone....You get mad and start this kind of argument....and that If she didn't move what little bit of relationship we have is going to be distroyed....and by then I'm crying and I told her....I don't for the life of me understand why we are not close, she looked at me and told me SHE WOULD NEVER BE CLOSE TO ME, well that is still tearing my heart out today....

I understand that she has a ton of pressure and that her life is hard now, I really want to help her, I want her to be succesful in life....I want her to be happy.....I've tried showing her, different things, different ways of living...by example....but she just resents me for them I honestly believe....

I've thought about finding a pastor or someone to help us, learn to talk to each other.....I am at my wits end.....I'm hurt, and I know she is too....because we all know deep in our hearts that our children are gifts from God.....

She and I have never been real close, she is my taker child.....and it wears me out.....

Has anyone delt with this with their child or dealing now?

What could I do to help build respect, with our relationship.....

What would you do?

BELIEVE ME, I HAVE NOT BEEN THE PERFECT MOTHER! IF I HAD, WE WOULD HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP I DO HONESTLY BELIEVE! But there is NOTHING I would not do for her......NOTHING!

**WildChild** · 10-02-2008 08:31 AM

When you allow anyone to live with you, you have to set some clear boundries. You and your daughter need to sit down quietly and you need to tell her the rules. You don't say what led to her living with you but she needs to have goals that she is accountable for.
Those should include:
a self sufficient income and proper management of her finances.
Getting her own place by a certain date
Caring for her children
Assisting with household chores and meal preparation
Contributing to household expenses

You need to get off the guilt trip. We all make mistakes, no one is a perfect parent, no one has a perfect childhood. All you can deal with is where you are now, being the best person you can be now and having the best relationship you can have now as adults with your daughter.

The situation with your husband's health is difficult. You need to get some information and create a team for yourself. Find someone, (not a freind) you need people who really KNOW, who understands how medicade/medicare works, also find an attorney who is knowledgeable about this as well. The sooner you take steps to protect your assets and develop a care plan for him the better. Get your husband's power of attorney, a living will and any other legal documents you may need taken care of as soon as possible, this could save you a lot of trouble later. Make certain you understand what will happen when he requires assisted care, the gov plan will make you spend down your and his assets to a certain level before they will step in. You need to have your future and your retirement as protected as possible or you'll spend your golden years living with your daughter!

**staceyboo0629** · 10-04-2008 12:28 AM

Your so right, and thank you for the reply's....I had to chuckle at the end when you said " I'd Be Living With My Daughter" LORD HELP US ALL!

Again your so right, that is the biggest problem with us though is the setting and talking....She and I have not been able to do that for years....We can if it is small talk, but not serious adult talking...I'm not real good with this, I've never been one to talk out face to face with someone about what really bothers me....I've always been the caregiver in our family....make things work, make sure everyone is happy and their life is going well.....I have pretty much always put my feelings on the back burner! I guess this is a why I found this site....Who knows....It will work out, It always does!

I do wish she and I had a better relationship....I really do.....I do not know how to get that, As long as I'm giving everything is great.....but when I stop is when things get sour!

It's Friday and this is the date that I had told her she had to move by....Well guess what...She has not moved out! As much as I do want her too, I can't bring myself to upset her, and push her out....She is my child and I can't bring myself to do that....

When I re-read my post I think..." GOSH I"M ONE MESSED UP PERSON" laughing at myself....Lord Help Me....

I love life, I love people...I like to think that everyone is happy and loves to laugh and enjoy their life!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-04-2008 03:28 AM

I would guess that she is a "non-communative person" full stop... She is divorced and the little ones are young. She probably argued heeps with her ex-husband as well.

WildChild is right, you can't beat yourself up because you struggled as a Mother when she was a child, she is struggling now. It's life.

But, what is important is you. You are only young, you have a wicked sense of humor and acknowledgement of peace, understanding and trying.

But, you won't be dead, rather heading for a breakdown.

Having to deal with what you are dealing with is a "blow" to your life, "your husband's condition". That in itself is a hard thing to imagine, here you are only 42.

Instead of discussing with her what is happening that you don't like and what she is doing that is wrong, as she will not listen at all.

Tell her about YOUR LIFE and how YOUR NOT COPING with the cards dealt TO YOU.

For once in your life, you need support and someeone to lean on, let her know your reaching out to her for her support...

Make her realise that she's not the only one in this World with problems and difficulties, I imagine your heart is breaking over finding out about your husband, this is your life too.

If she is selfish enough not to realise your heartache, nothing to do with hers, then you have one selfish daughter and legalities are an excellent point raised by WildChild but more importantly, for your soul.. You need to know WHO is there now FOR YOU.

CW

**Diva0467** · 10-08-2008 08:25 AM

Oh Boo, I am so sorry you're having a tough time of it. I don't think I can add anymore than what's already been said other than to tell you I love you and I hope it gets better with Shelly. I had no idea that your hubby has early onset alzhiemers! My poor friend. Yet you remain so strong and so sweet.

You're the greatest person I know!!!!

**diare** · 12-24-2008 02:03 PM

Our daughter lived with us. She has a daughter and never married the father. She was in an emotional termoil for a couple of years. She lived with her sister and then she lived with us for 3 1/2 years. It was ok most of the time but it does create extra work, the cost of everything goes up (electric, gas, food). She did pay some money for staying but she resented it and I usually had to ask her for it and then we would argue. She moved to her own apartment, has a boyfriend, good job and seems to be doing well. I sure do not want to go back to living with her again. She lost her independance, home and self esteem when she broke up with her daughter's father. She blamed some of it on me. We had just moved int oa new house and she got angry with me because I wanted things to look nice. That was our biggest fight. She took care of her daughter unless I babysat at night while she went out and I watched when she was at work so I had a big hand in raising her. I worked 10 years for free watching grandchildren so my kids could work and have a better lifestyle. Now my husband is retiring and I am wishing that I could get a larger social security check. I am not sorry we helped her but I sure was relieved when she moved out and my son moved out. There is a lot to be said for having your own home. I don't know if the anger comes from guilt, sorrow that they can't live the way they want. But my daughter many times would wait for me to get upset before she would do much.

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