I have been a child of a divorced family since I was 2, and both my parents have since remarried, so of course, there are members of each family that were not there during my parents' marriage and whom one or the other has not met. This was never a problem really, as I would have two separate parties for all the occasions I've gone through, including holidays, birthdays, and graduation.
I'm coming up on a rough spot though, because I have found the love of my life and am starting college. In two years I will be graduating with an Associates, and I will hopefully by then be engaged to my lover and on our way to a long and prosperous relationship.
The question here pertains to any get togethers as a result of these two occasions. When I graduate, I would like (all four of) my parents to hold a graduation party for me, as both sides have already expressed a willingness to have a party for me just for their sides. While my mom only has one sibling who lives in SC and is not always there for get-togethers, my stepfather has 2 siblings, my father 3, and my stepmother has 8 (good golly, I know! :P). this does not include grandparents, cousins, and the "greats" of the family, to include great aunts and uncles I am really close to.
I am thoroughly sick and tired of the fighting, bickering, and constant demoralizing that each side of the family turns towards each other (It's my mom and dad more than my stepparents), and want each and every person to be able to say "truce" and move on, now that my brother and I are grown up and there's no need for contracts, legal papers, and lawyers.
The plan is to have my graduation someplace with room enough for everyone, to ask all four of my parents to be willing to work together and sort things out, and to have all four sides of the family invited. This gives me as few (but big) problems...
One. how to I go about telling my family that I am selfish enough to want them to put aside all the torment they put themselves through out of greediness for wanting my brother and I more than the other, and start working together like best friends? I am unsure as to whether they will be quite happy about it. I am sure that knowing that it makes me happy they will do it, but there will be side effects, which brings out problem number two.
Two. My mom has always been one to make fun of my dad and step-mom. My stepmother has always been a little chubby, and my mom always makes fun of her and has even called her a . My dad is, to put it simply, a hick, and whenever we go out and my mom sees someone Amish, she says "Hey look there's your dad" or "Hey look there's your cousin!" and laughs heartily. It used to be funny but now that I've matured a little I see that she doesn't need to be doing this, and if she's going to be working alongside of my father and step-mother at my graduation party (and hopefully engagement party and wedding), I am sure something is going to come up that is no longer funny to me. How do I politely tell her not to continue this habit without sounding rude? I want to bit it in the butt before it happens again, instead of waiting for her to laugh about an important side of my family again.
Three. When I have these parties, there will be a lot of people who don't know each other. Should I have to introduce people to each other? And what is the proper conversation when someone asks who another person is? I don't want to have to introduce "Aunt Molly" on dad's side to "Uncle Keith" on step-dad's side, but I don't want everyone to feel like they're in a place full of strangers, and I am sure if there is food, that each of the two sides will form small cliques together to enjoy their meals and not converse among each other at all. What would be the proper "thing" to do here, and what should I expect? I am looking to have all four sides at all future occasions I pull together, including my wedding, children and their occasions, and anything job-related that requires celebration.
This is a handful, and you can see why I need a little help and advice!
Kinda the same situation here in years past, so I feel your pain.
Let them know right up front how this nonsense bothers you. Either they agree to keep the nonsense out of this, or you will just have to have a small party that includes your boyfriend and a few other friends, and leaves them out.
Remind them, it's supposed to be about a joyous event for you, not a sparring match for them.
The only person you can control is you. You can't Make them see it your way, you can't make them change their behavior. In a way you are doing what they have been doing - only seeing what you want!
You are just out of HS and starting at Community College and in a new relationship, you are going to be experiencing a lot change and a lot of growing up. One part of maturing is realising that you have to accept people as they are. That doesn't mean you have to like it, doesn't mean you can't make some effort to get them to see your perspective, but you can't force them. Laying down ultimatums won't get you what you want. You certainly can, when the time comes, tell them you are having A party and they are all invited but you can't control their behavior and you certainly aren't going to get them to act like "best freinds".
People can change at any age but they have to want to. You can start with, for example, your mother, by making a pot of tea, picking up some nice pastery and asking her to sit down for a chat. In a calm, caring way explain to her that you love and care for ALL the members of your family, that there is good you have gotten from each and that when she belittles or makes rude comments about them, she is also insulting you. Let her know that at least when you are present this behavior needs to stop. What ever she thinks about your dad now - she married him once and had kids with him. You might gently point out that in a way she is insulting herself when she insults him or his taste in women. You will need to repeat this scene with other family members as well. Some may respond positively and some may not. But all you can do is set your limits lovingly and stick to them. When they start in, you have the option of first reminding them with a statement, I'm sorry but if this is starting again, I'll have to leave. Then if you have to, quietly, with dignity say good bye, I need to go now.
Yes, as a hostess you will introduce people. There are a number of books on this subject. You make an introduction, there is no need to detail family relationship unless the person is particularly special, such as a grandparent. Then provide some brief info that will give them a starting point for conversation. You generally introduce the older person first, unless the younger is the guest of honor. You say each name as you make the introduction. For example formally you could say:
"John may I introduce my grandmother, Mrs. Smith?", "Grandma, this is John Doe", "John is my friend Susan's husband and a golfer". "John, my grandmother, Mrs. Smith, won the Women's Open twice".
Now you can step away to continue your hostess duties and they have a starting point to chat if they wish and you've repeated their names a couple of times which should assist them in remembering. Of course you can be a bit more casual in some situations. But introductions are part of being a hostess. So is creating a comfortable, relaxed environment for your guests. That can mean heading trouble off by distracting, " Mom, could you give me a hand here?" when she looks like she's warming up on the topic of your dad or his wife. "Joe, maybe my Dad would know what would solve that funny noise you were mentioning your car was making". It's an art, start working on it now, it sounds like you are planning a busy social life in the future!
Multiple Problems with 4 Families
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