My sister and I used to be close.

**diare** · 12-23-2008 06:05 PM

My sister and I were close as children, teenagers and even in our 20's. I moved to another part of the state after I married my husband and I have lived in the same area for almost 32 years. We always wrote letters to one another and I would visit her and my other family members often. Our relationship has been closer again with the invention of the e-mail, cheaper phone service. She has never come to my home very often over the almost 32 years and I don't go to her home much. Instead when I do go home we see each other at my other sisters house.

I have 3 children and she has one child. All of our children are grown now. We have had a few special occasions here at our home and she has come but she has missed quite a few just as I have missed a few of hers.

Last summer she was invited to our home for my 60th birthday party. It was a shared party with me and my brother. She told me yes she was coming for sure and was so happy to be coming. Then last minute her son called her from MN because he was moving back to IN and she decided to go out there to help him. I was really disappointed. I voiced my disappointment and hurt to her and she just got angry with me. She didn't even call me on the phone to tell me of the change in plans she just sent me a hurried e-mail telling me her son came first and he needs her and she hopped a train to MN. I called her since she didn't call me and I asked her if she was really going to MN because frankly I couldn't believe it. She told me "Well you don't know me very well (if I thought she wasn't going)." She had told me the kids were going to handle this move alone because her husband could not get off work. Like how dare I question her. I hung up. They were not moving for two weeks. I was crying when I hung up the phone. We didn't talk for a long while and then I saw her at the family reunion. I was still kind of cool to her but we talked. I e-mailed her after I got back home and we have had some fairly good e-mails since. I have always been the one she could confide in and I would give her moral support, etc.

This month there was a family Christmas party... always held second week in Dec. Again she said she would be there. Her son was buying a house but they couldn't get the key until after Christmas. Then their move in date was moved up and she said they got the key the same day as the party. Great for them. He had a friend that was going to help move them. She would still be at the party. Got to the party and she wasn't there. surprise. Her son just couldn't handle it without her. She had said in the e-mail that they would go down to their place the next day because it would be late when they got there and they couldn't do much then anyway. I didn't get so angry about this and I didn't express it to her. But there was a sad occurance at the party. She had taken an exchange gift for my five year old grandson to my brother's house. It must be she didn't talk to him long because she said they only spoke for a minute. She either failed to tell him the gift was in the car or he didn't hear her. When it came time for the young children to open their gifts (they were each supposed to have one) he didn't get a gift. We asked my brother about it and he must have said six times that he had no gift.
The gift was found an hour later. I told my sister of the mixup and how unfortunate it was that my brother was not aware he had the gift. She took offense that I told her about it said her granddaughter would not be in next years gift exchange and that even if she had brought the gift they could not have been there on time for him to open it with the other children.

After a couple of other e-mails one of which was very nasty on her part I apologized for telling her about it. and everything else that she blamed on me. She is this nice little lady but don't put her on the defensive because she will get you.

But looking back I think I am done trying to be a sister and friend to her. To tell people they have only a son when she also has brothers and sisters tells me the only one that matters is her son. I have children that are dear to me but I can love more than one person. I still get joy in seeing what my nieces and nephews and their children. My grandchildren have gotten close to some of there first cousins one removed so I have lots to be happy about. I have always thought she is my sister I care about her but I have to back away. I apologized to her and she sent me a nice e-mail but I just have my guard up with her and I am tired of the rejection.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-24-2008 03:11 PM

Her son is her all.. She had one child..

She dotes on him, he is her world, comes before anyone.

If you can accept this, then there will be no more hurt, you can't change the way she is, this is the way she feels, sees things and always has..

We accept our family for who they are.

Sure, we can be disappointed, wanting to see a family member but it doesn't happen, she may not be that way, wanting to be close nit, like that, she may be more of a loner these days.

People also change and get very set in their ways as they get older in life.

You have phone/email, be close to her in that regard and never take the non attendances as personal, because I am betting that they are not personal, just her way, now, in her life.

CW

**diare** · 12-25-2008 06:34 PM

Thank you for your spin on it. I know that I don't want to expect anything from her anymore. I think you are right she doesn't want a close nit family with her siblings, nieces and nephews. I think the problem is mine not hers. I talked with my husband and he said just be involved with the brothers and sisters that do care and let her go. Problem is when we e-mail or talk on the phone we are fairly close. She is a big complainer and she always has been. I have always been the one that cheers her up when she is in a husband bashing mood. I held her hand by phone calls and e-mails when she stayed with her daughter-in-law for two months before she had her baby. The daughter in law didn't even speak to her during the week because she worked. She taught school and was so tired that she went to bed when she got home. So basically she stayed with her to "help" and she could not even drive a car to take her to the hospital. I dropped everything when her son was in an accident and needed surgery. I even spent the night with her in the hospital so she wouldn't be alone. Her husband didn't stay all night.

I think when I see her I will be nice and kind but I don't want to be wrapped up in her life by e-mail and phone calls when it is so one sided. I think there are many things about her that I just do not like. I have overlooked alot with her. The way they sue at the drop of a hat, the way they out waiters and then get a free meal (they brag about it to us later), they buy warranties and then magically always use them before the expiration date to get a new whatever, I listened about her son's high paying job and how he tells this one and that one a thing or two. Just lots of differences in outlook on life. I am not going to be that involved with her anymore. I am going to be the one that is just too busy because I have three precious children and four grandchildren that mean the world to me.

I'm tired of just accepting her for what she is because honestly if she were not my sister I probably would not be e-mailing her and calling her and worried if she is down this week.

I forgave her for dumping me on my birthday. Her husband gave her a 50th birthday dinner that was very last minute and we dropped everything and went to it. Her birthday is in Jan. The roads for us are always bad in Jan. but we went. My birthday is in July. She knew about it for 6 six weeks. Her son and daughter-in-law were not even working. She is legally blind so she can't help very much. She has to have help from people on the planes and trains because she can't see.

As you can tell there is a lot of pent up anger at her. I am tired of being the understanding one. Like I said I will be kind but just a little bit more reserved just like she is. I know this means I will lose what little bit of a relationsihp that we have but I think I am going to use my time in a more positive way. I think it might be better for both of us. It is fun to be the one that is having your ego stroked all the time by caring people and I am done being the one that does this for her.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-25-2008 06:53 PM

Sounds like you have a good heart, and soul.

Sounds like she is self obsorbed, a user of sorts, and will always do what she wants to do.

Still think she values her son over everyone else, including her husband.

I am sorry she is blind, was this all the way through her life? It may play a part in the way that she is.

You can not be a giver in life, and give, and give, and give and not receive back, at some point you have to walk away.

Surround yourself with love, and those whom give it back..

Unfortuantely, you are right, she is draining you, has drained you and you are at a point in life where you have done it consistently for too long and now have had enough.

Do things for yourself and what makes you happy because we only live once.

CW

**diare** · 12-25-2008 07:48 PM

You are right. When she wrote her nasty letter to me she said her son, dauther-in-law, grand daughter and husband came first.

After she had cateract surgery she could see well. The clinic where she worked required a certain level of sight to do the job. She was below their level. She got some money from them for a while because she lost her job over it. We heard about that for a long time. After she lost the job she said her sight just got poorer and poorer until she was legally blind and she could draw disability. She also has wet macula degeneration. Her sight is bad but sometimes she can see crumbs on the floor, brilliant color, and various other observations. So we don't really know to what extent she is blind. When she was at my house two years ago and they were leaving I mentioned the house across the street and she could not see it but then she turned her head and said my husband had a beautiful garden. Her sight is bad and we just pray and hope it might be better than she says it is. She is getting a SSI disability for it and she is on medicaid because of it. They have all kinds of money so I don't understand it.
I just cannot keep going down the same road with her. My only choice, as I see it is to back off.

Thank you for your response.

**Luckyfeather** · 01-11-2009 09:24 PM

I know where you are coming from. My sister has left me down so many times. Just hang in there...we can't let the selfish people bring us down. I know my older sister has issues and many ppl have brought that to my attention. After many years of trying to be close to my sister, I know now that is not possible. I realize that it is hurtful, bc they are our blood, but sometimes family members just do not get along.
I wish it were easier bc I want to be close to my sister and she puts up the wall. Just live your life everyday as best you can...I wake up in the morning and thank God for a new day. Does it hurt that my sister has done mean things to me? Absolutely!!, but I am not going to let her destroy another day in my life or take away the happiness I have. At the end of the day, they are the ones that have to deal w/ what they have done. And I know that I can sleep well at night bc I have tried to be a good sister, friend etc to her...
I dont know you, but I know exactly where you are coming from~
take care!

**diare** · 01-11-2009 11:07 PM

Thank you for sharing your similar circumstance. I know I should forgive my sister and I will but I don't want to put so much energy in writing, calling and caring about her to get slapped down again. I have my own children and grandchildren and so much to be happy about. My husband is retired now. I just want to put my energy and love somewhere that I feel love. And that is with my husband, children and grandchildren. I am not a young woman anymore and I want to enjoy my years left. I don't take rejection very well. And when I put the energy in trying to have a relationship with her and then she let's me know just how unimportant I am compared to her relationship with her son I feel rejected.

So your words just confirm my thoughts and I thank you for them.

**Alesana_Bunny** · 01-12-2009 07:25 AM

Well ever since the internet my siblings and I have spent lss time with one another. My sister (she's a year younger so we were always closest) wasn't even there for my 17th. She was gone before I woke up and was at a sleepover. At least your sister is putting her on first and not friends is all I can say.

It hurts, but I guess we have to accept it. We must also try not to let it spoil events like christmas and birthdays - at least everyone else you love is there

I like to think I value my family, but I can't force my sister to do things with the family.
I try to appreciate the time she does spend with me.

I do miss 'the-old-days' with her...

**diare** · 01-12-2009 09:05 AM

I think you are wise. I think I have expected too much from her. That is my problem. I haven't felt the need to contact her since our disagreement other than to apoligize for to her for telling her about the gift mix up involving my grandson. She can never just apologize. She has to put a but in it. She was sorry about the mix so her little granddaughter won't participate in the gift exchange ever again and they could not be on time for a gift exchange anyway. We did the exchange at 5:00 p.m. She was on her way to her son's house way before that time. She shouldn't be the one to decide if her granddaughter participates in a gift exchange or not. The parents should decide. Part of the fun for the little kids is to go and pick out the gift for the cousin. But that is how she is.

Her son had an accident when he was a teenager. He was doing something he should not have done. He recovered. They sued the boy's friend and he got a settlement for it. But she will not hand out candy to little children on Halloween because that is the night her son was hurt! She got angry because little children were knocking on her door for a treat. But her son will hand out candy to the children if he is at her house for Halloween. I think she is too tight to buy the treat.

I am trying to focus on something other than her and her "problems". I will be nice to her when I see her at family functions but I am not going to go out of my way for her. I am not the only one in the family that feels this way about her. No one else makes a big point of doing things first for their children except her. We all have kids and grandkids we think the world of but we can make time for aunts, uncles and cousins too. We only get together maybe 2 to 4 times a year now. She can be miserable all by herself. She doesn't like her husband. The only person she thinks the world of is her son and grandchild. That is her choice and I am leaving her with it.

I think you have already come to this conclusion with your sister and you will be wise to do it. When things are so one sided it makes it impossible to relate and care. Been there done that.

Thanks you for your thoughts. As you can tell even with my words of letting go I am still angry at her. I want to forgive and let go and make myself happy.

**Alesana_Bunny** · 01-12-2009 10:23 AM

I wish you the best of luck.

As with my family, they all think the same way too.
I don't think it is as bad as your situation, but it is nevertheless similiar.

You're right, she shouldn't make decisions for her grandchildren... I wouldn't like my parent's deciding what my children could or couldn't do... maybe advise but never to be done for me.

Just as long as you spend time with your family, enjying your time with them, that's all that matters.
And at special events, try not to think of it

You wouldn't want it to be a downer on the occasion.