Please help with my relationship with my mother

**ArleneNicole** · 12-28-2008 08:04 PM

I have no idea where to turn, everyone thinks she is crazy and I need help. I am 29 and engaged to a wonderful man who I love. Yes he can be an idiot at times as all men are but he tries his butt off to get my mother to like him. Before last year all was fine, I lived at home full time and my family made the decision to move to another city and all of us were to live together - this was after we were engaged. The house was packed, the movers on the way and my mother backed out at the last moment. This caused tension between her and my fiance. My mother then did this four other times within a year. During that time I had to move so that I could work as I needed a job, I had nothing in my home town no job, nothing even my university work was cut back. I moved and my mother yelled at me every night for the first 4 months, during that time I did drive back every weekend 6 hours there and back to be with her (she is married to my father) even though the weekends were the only time I could see my fiance who has given up a lot, his relationship with his family and jobs to be with my mother when she wanted it. Now she has gotten worse, constantly she yells at me, she treats me as though I know nothing in life and like I am an idiot. I try so hard with her but she yells constantly. Yes sometimes I yell back or tell her what she wants to hear, but all she wants is for me to leave him and move back home with her. To be honest I have not slept in months, I have actually started smoking after never doing it, I have chest pains, I sob, there are days I never even leave my bed. I cannot do this I need some help I need advice please someone tell me how to make this better.

**WildChild** · 12-28-2008 09:01 PM

Wow, this might be better in family and relationships but your mom is really controlling. Speaking as a mother of two and having watched my neice and nephews leave the nest, our goal as parents is to bring our children in adulthood as competent, confident, young adults, ready to make well considered decisions and live on their own.

What your mother is doing is head tripping you and hard as it may be you were right to move, now you need to continue claiming your life for yourself. Quit going back every week end, make it maybe once a month. I assume you have caller ID and a voice messaging system? Give Mom and Dad's cells, house line and work numbers a special ring tone a quit answering when she calls. Set what you feel are reasonable times and numbers of times to return her calls. Not more than once a day unless there is a real reason. Turn off your phone at night or block her calls. Be prepared for her reaction, she may pitch a fit, she may cut you off for a while, she may show up at your door. (You'll be happy to call and find her a hotel room -no putting her up at your place). You are growing up, now it's time for her to.

Understand that this isn't about you. It's about her trying to control you. You have every right to live your own life. If you allow this to continue she will consume you. It will destroy this relationship and any other you get into, affect your studying and working and basically could ruin your life. She doesn't have the right to do this to you and she can't if you don't let her. Try not to react, this may be difficult but you have to do it. She sounds pretty unstable, you might quietly encourage your father directly or through a trusted family member, to get her into counseling. It may not hurt fir you to some too, just to help you cope and stay strong!
Good luck with this, it' going to take some backbone but you can do it!

**WildChild** · 12-28-2008 09:02 PM

Actually if and when you do visit, it may be best to stay some place else like a freind's house. Tell her you want to see her but aren't comfortable with her behavior.

**N01** · 12-30-2008 05:53 AM

Stop trying so hard. She is messing with you as WildChild says, doing everything she can to "get a rise" out of you, and you are letting her do it.

People are treated the way they allow others to treat them.

This is gonna sound rough, but you need to draw your line in the sand with her and stick to it. if she's hurting you so much that you are losing sleep over it, it's time to do something drastic:

Don't yell back at her, calmly tell her you love her but that you are no longer going to stand for being treated in an abusive manner, and then either hang up or leave and not talk with her until at least the next day. Do the same thing every time it happens again.

**JWB_pof** · 12-30-2008 08:41 AM

it is time you live your life for you and not anyone else.
you are an adult near 30, not 18 and making yong mistakes and need more guidance.
your mom is doing what so many parents do, trying to keep you.
its alos the calssic mother, son-in-law thing going on. your fiance took you away from her, she is feeling alone, neglected no matter if she is married or not.
i wouldnt be surprised if more problems come in time untill a few years after you are married and she can accept it more.
oh when my sister got ingaged when she was 26, i felt so bad for my brother-in-law. i have no idea how he put up with it but he is a great guy and i am so happy for my sister to find a feal gentleman who loves her the way he does. and my mom & sister had a huge problem similar to what you say you are going through now.
from what i see, your mom needs to see you happy with your own life and let you live it your way with who you want. she needs to calm down and see how it might have been when she got married and started her life. but she is just being a parent.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-05-2009 06:15 PM

I hope you come back and read and give us a bit more insight, I moved this thread to family, in-case others have experienced simular for you.

Keep smiling,

CW