need help with inlaws to be
I love my fiance very much! He is sweet, gentle and caring. Unfortunately his family is the comlpete opposite. They are materialistic, gossip hungary, always have something smart to say(in a way you can't quite call them on it) and it's to the point that I hate them. They make things so difficult for us. And I forgot to mention we live with his mom. We have a little apartment downstairs, and his mom is so disrepectful of our privacy. So is the rest of his family. Because my fiance and his brother and sister grew up in the house they think they can come and go as they please. His sister walked right in one day when I was just getting up and I was on the toilet! I wanted to flip but instead said with a chuckle " you might want to knock next time because you don't know what you'll see, sometimes i walk around naked!" She THEN said she was sorry and later I heard her bad mouthing me to my fiance's mom, so I walked upstairs in the middle of the conversation and the sister said "there she is!" as sweet as pie. I swear I could write a book there has been so much stuff. Also A couple years ago I had some problems with depression so I went to his mother and aunt for advice and help. Wrong thing to do. Now they ALL know this problem and what triggers me and they use it. I finally got myself back on track after about 6 months, went to beauty school and got a job, and about halfway thru my schooling his sister was asking everyone at Christmas dinner "what color she should paint her new salon and spa she is opening". It was like she had no interest until I went for it. I haven't been lucky in life. Things don't fall in to my lap like some people, I'm sure someone can relate. The sister, mom, brother and the brother's new wife have a way of making me feel like a loser because I'm 28, still haven't found a steady carrer(the beauty thing I can fall back on but not sure i want to do it full time, doesn't pay the bills starting out) and I don't make 100,000 a year. They always look me up and down to see "who" I am wearing, and because it's Walmart I'm not good enough. But I'm not a slob, I'm neat and clean cut. Now it's to the point where his mom and I are not talking. I made an HONEST effort countless times and it doesn't help. Now that I lost weight and look a lot better his sister is snottier than ever also. We are unable to move out right now because I don't make enough money to help out, and we can't do it on his income alone right now. I try so hard and nothing seems to work out for me. If we talk to his mother I'm afraid she'll throw a hissy fit because she did the other day when my fiance spoke up and she said she's "sick of trying to please everyone, she's getting an apartment!" I'm not completely innocent, but I always appologize and try to work things out. How do you make things work with people that don't think they are doing anything wrong? I'm very sorry about my "NOVEL LENGTH" entry, I tried to condense things, can someone please offer some good advice? Thank You!
Hi Maggie,
I am so sorry about your situation. Don't be so hard on yourself. You need to talk to your fiance and tell him how you feel. Then you need to talk to his family but I suggest your fiance being there when you do. Don't feel bad about them knowing about your depression. I am sure they all have some kind of secret hidden under the rug. I wish you the best.
Karen
In-laws
I'm Replyng To The First Post. I Would Like To Start By Saying That I Am Going Through A Similar Situation. I Am 20 Years Old And Have Been With My Fiance For 4 Years. We Got In Engaged In August And My In Laws Loved Me I Was The Princess In The Family. They Gave Me Evrything I Wanted And More. When They Found Out We Were Engaged It All Went Downhill From There They Now Hate Me And Call Me Names And No Longer Talk To Their Son ( My Fiance) Because We Decided To Marry This January Coming Up. We Have Been Going Through Alot As Well I've Cried Many Tears, But I Am Always Glad That I Have My Fiance Backing Me Up 100%. What I Ahve To Say To You Is That As Long As You Have Your Fiance By Your Side Always And He Supports You It's All That Matters, Because In The End It's Your Fiance That Will Be With You For The Rest Of Your Life You Two Will Live For Eachother And Nobody Else. He Will Be The Father Of Your Children (if You Coose To Have Any) Not Your In-laws. And At The End Of The Night To Climb Into Bed And You Have Your Husband By Your Side And Not Them. These Are The Things That I Am Always Thinking About Now Because We Have Not One Person In His Family That Agrees With Our Commitment Because Of Our Age And We Cry Alot Together And It's Soooooo Hard But As Long As You Have Eachother Is All You Need In Life. Everyone Can Go F$%k Themselves.
Sorry About The Last Part
Been There...
Maggie; you are the perfect victim. You are someone who
can be triggered into depression and who takes criticism
to heart.
Mellisa; you're in the infamous civil war...
In short, your lives are being defined and judged by
other people, people you wouldn't on, but who
happen to be his relatives.
Firstly, don't let his relatives define you, or in any way
have control over your self image.
Secondly, your relationship with your man can't be
'orphans against the storm', because once the pressure
is off, you could fall apart.
I went through the situation with my ex---
His mother was so hands on that when I had our
first child, she went to take him from the hospital
saying,(I'm not making this up)
"You can't take care of a baby! You're in the hospital,
you just had a baby!"
She would come to my flat, when we finally moved out
at like six am...
our relationship became dealing with his family, not
our relationship, so that when we were alone...
it didn't jel.
You have to make sure you aren't together because
you're been pushed together by a mutual 'enemy'...
Thank you so much for the mature advice, you made me realize I need to take a look at myself. I really appreciate your insight and view on my situation. Thank you so much for taking time to respond, you seem like a very cool and wise person to bounce things off of
Maybe they are threatened by you, that you are taking their "baby". That is still no reason for them to be hateful to you. They should be happy that their son found that "special someone". Put people (in-laws) unfortunately can't just be happy for other people (you and your fiance). You gave me some very good advice and I thank you very much. Keep your head up and I wish you both the best! Everyone CAN go F$%K themselves!!!
Thank you for your kind words and thoughtful response. Things are (knock on wood
the wierd thing
The strange thing about all this, is that my marriage broke up
and I think I got custody of the in laws.
Up until my ex-mother in law died, she told people I was
her daughter, (although I had married again) and took
my daughter (from my second marriage) as her 'granddaughter'
and shunned the children from her son's second marriage.
I know it doesn't make sense because for the early
part of our relationship she was the Great Satan as
far I was concerned, but I think his ambivalent attitude
where he never stood up to her, where she would
virtually break in at 6 am, and he went on as if he
invited her, must have had some effect on her, because
she knew she was one step from burgler.
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