I am in almost the same situation. My mother despises my husband, and tried to make me choose between the two of them. I refused to play that game and have been trying to negotiate the minefield between them for 3 years. Today she called me to say after my grandmother dies, I am no longer welcome anywhere near her home and I should not expect to receive anything belonging to my grandmother when she goes. This pattern began more than 20 years ago when I stayed in Boston after graduation (when she sold my car before I came out to drive it to Boston). I can't just cut her out of my life. She and I were all we had when my father was drunk and abusive. I can't bear the thought of giving up on her. Her actions aren't those of a loving and healthy mother. My husband despises her now for the way she treats me, and he can't understand why I don't just walk away. What if something were to happen to either one of us? I love her. I don't know what to do. It may seem obvious to others that the solution is to walk away, but it's different in our shoes. Please let me know what you try. I am almost ready to ask my very kind stepfather to get involved, though I don't know that he will and I would hate to make problems for him. I can't believe my mother is using my sweet 96 yr old grandmother as a weapon. I was always an honor student, hard worker, responsible daughter. My 2 sins are leaving Chicago and staying married to my husband. I don't understand how she could do this and I just can't walk away.

Since you 'can't walk away' from your mother,
that means you walk away from your husband
to 'please' her.

She's going to 'win' in the end because she's
written the rules, and you 'have to' play her
game.

I know of one case that after the wife left
the husband, the mother still refused to
accept her.

So you can pretty much map out the rest of
your life. Eventually, you'll lose your husband.
But you won't regain your mother.