Hurt my Mum and don't know what to do

deebee · 02-25-2009, 11:48 PM

Hi here is my story...
My Mum came over yesterday and told me she had walked out of her job (not quit for good just come home because she was too upset to cope). This is the sixth job in about as many years and it's always because someone has been mean, treated her badly, not respected her or is lazy and doesn't do their job properly.
I showed sympathy for her when she was here and gave her a hug and sided with her (even though I've been getting tired of hearing about her work problems)
Later I wrote this SMS to my sister "Mum dropped around this morning. She'd just walked out of her job again. There goes another job. It's definitely her." except I accidently sent it to my Mum....
I am so worried and upset about this but I can't bring myself to talk to my Mum. I think she has tried to call but I just haven't been answering the phone. I feel like the worst person in the world. We normally have a pretty good relationship but my Mum has suffered from depression for years and I have always been around for her but can't help getting tired of dealing with her problems. Besides I have my own problems (autistic son, my own unhappiness/depression and on this particular day two sick kids the autistic one with pneumonia) still I would never say those things to my Mum because I wouldn't deliberately hurt her feelings like that. What do I do feeling paralysed by sadness and anxiety.
Maybe I need to deal with my own problems too

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-26-2009, 12:01 AM

Deebee, Your mom loves you and will understand your frustration as she likely is aware of how many jobs she can't seem to cope with. Having it said to her, sure its going to sting her and she may wonder what else you two say about her etc. Time for that heart to heart, just let her know you were feeling so much stress and pressure in your own household, that you just vented, about the first thing that came into discussion.

Let her talk to you about what is causing her frustrations at work and try to be understanding about it, but you needn't worry, as a mom you should know that there is nothing you as a child can do that she wont come to understand and forgive.

Just give her that call now, let her know that you love her, and that you are sorry for saying it was her fault, you were just having a bad day and in wanting to relay the message about her stopping by and having work issues, you came off cross and laying blame because you were just tired and stressed.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-26-2009, 12:48 AM

Couldn't have said it better..HD

You know being depressed, is a hard thing to overcome, real hard so every little thing can get you down, it is hard.

But you have your own problems and I agree with HD, you yourself felt depressed, another stress on you at that time, and you weren't coping yourself.

Tell her when you said, " it's definately her" , you meant she's still down, depressed, but didn't have long to type the message.

And, yes, then talk with her more on it, but share your own as well, so you both vent.

CW

Kez · 03-19-2009, 02:50 AM

deebee you are human too. So is your mum. I agree with the wise Hopeless Dork. It's time for a heart to heart. Listen to her with your heart open. And talk with her with your heart open. Let the silences just "be". Spend time together - just the two of you if possible. Perhaps she can help you put the kids to bed and then have a late supper with you. That "open hearted" time is so precious. And sometimes life happens and our best intentions don't eventuate. It seems that you are open with your sister, and closed with your mother. She might prefer you to be straight with her - with an open heart. Good luck!

**WildChild** · 03-19-2009, 08:25 AM

Wonder how this has played out? The OP hasn't been back...

**mewhenim** · 04-05-2009, 07:21 PM

I try to avoid constantly agreeing, as if your family can't be honest with you, no one will. I generally with very close friends and my family, try to help them see what the other people are seeing. You don't have to be mean and make her feel like everyone is ganging up on her, but subtlely try to work on what she can improve. I like to point out to them, that even if other people are wrong, we can't change what they do, but we can always try to make ourselves better. This needs to be a VERY calm and non confrontational talk.

02-25-2009, 11:48 PM	#1
deebee Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 1	Hurt my Mum and don't know what to do Hi here is my story... My Mum came over yesterday and told me she had walked out of her job (not quit for good just come home because she was too upset to cope). This is the sixth job in about as many years and it's always because someone has been mean, treated her badly, not respected her or is lazy and doesn't do their job properly. I showed sympathy for her when she was here and gave her a hug and sided with her (even though I've been getting tired of hearing about her work problems) Later I wrote this SMS to my sister "Mum dropped around this morning. She'd just walked out of her job again. There goes another job. It's definitely her." except I accidently sent it to my Mum.... I am so worried and upset about this but I can't bring myself to talk to my Mum. I think she has tried to call but I just haven't been answering the phone. I feel like the worst person in the world. We normally have a pretty good relationship but my Mum has suffered from depression for years and I have always been around for her but can't help getting tired of dealing with her problems. Besides I have my own problems (autistic son, my own unhappiness/depression and on this particular day two sick kids the autistic one with pneumonia) still I would never say those things to my Mum because I wouldn't deliberately hurt her feelings like that. What do I do feeling paralysed by sadness and anxiety. Maybe I need to deal with my own problems too

02-26-2009, 12:48 AM	#3
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,910 Blog Entries: 7	Couldn't have said it better..HD You know being depressed, is a hard thing to overcome, real hard so every little thing can get you down, it is hard. But you have your own problems and I agree with HD, you yourself felt depressed, another stress on you at that time, and you weren't coping yourself. Tell her when you said, " it's definately her" , you meant she's still down, depressed, but didn't have long to type the message. And, yes, then talk with her more on it, but share your own as well, so you both vent. CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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02-26-2009, 12:01 AM	#2
Hopeless Dork Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: United States Posts: 1,235	Deebee, Your mom loves you and will understand your frustration as she likely is aware of how many jobs she can't seem to cope with. Having it said to her, sure its going to sting her and she may wonder what else you two say about her etc. Time for that heart to heart, just let her know you were feeling so much stress and pressure in your own household, that you just vented, about the first thing that came into discussion. Let her talk to you about what is causing her frustrations at work and try to be understanding about it, but you needn't worry, as a mom you should know that there is nothing you as a child can do that she wont come to understand and forgive. Just give her that call now, let her know that you love her, and that you are sorry for saying it was her fault, you were just having a bad day and in wanting to relay the message about her stopping by and having work issues, you came off cross and laying blame because you were just tired and stressed.

03-19-2009, 02:50 AM	#4
Kez Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 8	deebee you are human too. So is your mum. I agree with the wise Hopeless Dork. It's time for a heart to heart. Listen to her with your heart open. And talk with her with your heart open. Let the silences just "be". Spend time together - just the two of you if possible. Perhaps she can help you put the kids to bed and then have a late supper with you. That "open hearted" time is so precious. And sometimes life happens and our best intentions don't eventuate. It seems that you are open with your sister, and closed with your mother. She might prefer you to be straight with her - with an open heart. Good luck!

03-19-2009, 08:25 AM	#5
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,223 Blog Entries: 5	Wonder how this has played out? The OP hasn't been back...

04-05-2009, 07:21 PM	#6
mewhenim Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 159	I try to avoid constantly agreeing, as if your family can't be honest with you, no one will. I generally with very close friends and my family, try to help them see what the other people are seeing. You don't have to be mean and make her feel like everyone is ganging up on her, but subtlely try to work on what she can improve. I like to point out to them, that even if other people are wrong, we can't change what they do, but we can always try to make ourselves better. This needs to be a VERY calm and non confrontational talk.