starvingforsex

My daughter(14yo) came home Friday, sick with the flu. Later that day she received text messages from so-called friends that there was a rumor that she went home because she was pregnant. Now, I did get to the bottom of who started the rumor and why. My daughter had a friend who were very close until a BOY came into the picture. This boy was playing one against the other ...assuming that whomever pants he could get into first. Clearly, this has caused a huge problem between them. This is the girl who started the rumor. Saturday I took my daughter's cell phone away from her and began reading all the texts coming and going to her friends. Needless to say, I was shocked and dismayed. This boy had sent a picture of his penis to her. There were other messages too vulgar to mention to and from various other middle-schoolers. It's clear to me that this boy is the root of most of this and the girl who started the rumor, probably out of revenge or jealousy. How do I handle this in the most delicate and appropriate way?

rcoreyus

Wow, a difficult problem. A few weeks back some middle-school girls were arrested on charges of child pornography for sending friends text-pictures of themselves naked. The authorities take this sort of thing very seriously - maybe too seriously.

I agree that it needs to stop, but I don't know what to suggest. Maybe contacting the boy's parents? Maybe they can explain to him just how much he can screw up his own life by doing this?

Little

The problem with contacting parents is that his parents might not care (or equally bad, they might be the type to overreact in an abusive manner. After all, this child obviously has problems interacting with others and understanding his sexuality and that has to come from somewhere.) Telling them in either of these situations would be less than delicate, despite the fact that it is conventionally "appropriate."
How culpable do you feel your daughter is in these actions? Could you call his texts sexual harassment, or was she "comfortable?" Knowing how she feels about it has a lot of bearing on how you can proceed. If she feels harassed or pressured, you can help her help herself. If she was a willing participant, then you really need to have a sit-down talk about how she should conduct herself with her peers.
I am certain that middle schoolers are put in these situations much more often than adults would like to believe, but just because it's common doesn't mean it's right or necessary. Good on you for wanting to correct it before it gets into your daughter's head.

caterpillar79

This is clearly sexual harrassment. You haveto talk to your daughter, ask how she feels about it. Does she feel uncomfortable seeing the boy at the hallway/street (wherever)?

Report this to the school principal, and they will deal with it swiftly. Don't take it slow. Middle schoolers are in a stage where they just cannot control their raging hormones, but they are being taught in schools on how to deal with it appropriately. They know the repercussions should they behave inappropriately. So discuss the matter with the principal and give that boy a lesson he wouldn't forget. Nip it in the bud while you can, who knows, you might just save him from being a rapist or nympho later in life.

caterpillar79

PS.

If your daughter is a willing participant in this "sexting", you might have to deal with it differently. She might need some counseling too. Keep us posted.

starvingforsex

I did contact the boy's mother and the school and the police. First, I talked to the mom and she was mortified ans very sorry for what her son had done. He had used his grandmother's cellphone to send this "porn", and his was a single mother w/ a baby also. When I went to he police, they took the evidence. I asked that the boy's mother not be charged or her mom. I expressed that I was more concerned w/ getting all those involved together and have there phones confiscated. I wanted these kids to know that what they did was a felony, and implicated their parents, being the phones are in their names. All the parents were notified and the matter was brought to their attention, and a few other students were in trouble for sexting as well. It all worked out well. The principal and vice principal were kinda vague on the matter. It's been several weeks since the incident. Yesterday I received a letter from the school informing parents of the possibility of sexting among their own children. This letter infuriated me because there was one statement made that said: "There have been no reported incidents of sexting within our school district." Now, I know of at least 2 separate incidents, 1 involving Elementary school kids and my own incident. Why are they covering this up?

CHANDLERS WISH

Their letter is purely to cover their butt so to speak. They feel that they have done their bit, nipped it in the bud, and by making such statements saving grace, but that's false, hense you feeling the way you are feeling.

Here in Australia something so strong becomes a "Today Tonight" TV programme, but then your daughter gets involved.

You have done your bit and have made sure that people concerned are aware, unfortunately you may not be able to make the world aware, ie) all parents within the area that you live, other than by way of gossip but again your daughter gets involved.

It's tough because she will cop the flak irrespective...

CW

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kathyc

I found out last night that my daughter was harassed into sending a picture of herself to a 14 year old boy..

She is 13 and was away at volleyball camp. A boy who I repeatedly had told her was bad news because of the types of texts he sent her started sending her inappropriate texts. He kept asking what she wanted to do with him, and she kept saying, nothing, I am too young and not interested. He finally convinced her to tell him what she would want if she was 20. He then told her he would forward the message to his entire contact list if she didn't send him a picture.

She was quite upset and didn't know what to do. Her roomate told her to send one to him of the both of them in their bras, from the chest up.

Now he is telling people that she willingly sexted him. Unsure of what to do I confronted him through texting first. He hasn't replied to her or me.

I am unsure how to proceed with the situation. I would like to call his parents and tell them what he is doing, because I am sure she is not the only girl he is doing it to. I am going to see if I can get a reply from him, I have a feeling I have scared him off.

I appreciate that you shared you story. We talked a lot last night about what she should do in a situation like this.

It just makes me sick because I am considered by her and my other mom's as an overprotective mother because I monitor her texting and on-line activities, and the one time I am not there to monitor the situation things get out of hand.

WildChild

You do not confront people of any age by texting. Contact his parents, not him and deal with this face to face. Chances are they are part of the problem though, this kid didn't come out of the womb a master manipulator and intimidator.

A pic in her bra isn't any different really than in a bathing suit. If that's all she sent, it won't exactly haunt her but at this age they are so sensitive and are good at ripping each other to shreds. Your reaction will have a lot to do with whether this becomes a trauma or just a learning experience. Your daughter needs to learn how to set boundries with others and keep them. She needs to learn to identify people who are maniplative and unhealthy to be around. This young man needs the behavior shut down or will get likely get worse.

dr.mansview

good advice WC, but there is a big difference to a boy who views a pic of a girl in a bathing suit and viewing one in a bra..visually they may be similar, but mentally it sends a different message..a bra represents that an article of clothing has been removed

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